Screen77 Member Profile

Intense urges and how to resist them

Self-Harm Recovery / by Screen77

May 19th, 2023

...See more I've had a rough patch recently and can't really place why. I'm a natural cynic and pessimist and sometimes I get incredibly frustrated that there are so many things that happen that make my life hard and I can't do anything about them. I feel helpless, and sometimes a small thing can happen that sets me off and I end up feeling angry. I get an intense tightness in my chest, an agitation that I struggle to resist and a severe urge to hit something to SH or to SH in some other way. I've seen various pieces of advice to help resist urges, which sometimes work if I get tipped over in a sad way rather than an angry way, since it seems to be one of the two. In those cases distractions often work, because it's a lower-energy reaction and my brain is wandering slow-time. But when it's an angry urge, my brain kicks into overdrive and I can't focus on anything other than the thing that tipped me over which only winds me up more, and I have to do something about it. Problem is this often happens at work where I have very limited options. I often can't leave the room I work in, so separating myself is out of the question. I can't draw on my arms or have a hairband around my wrist due to uniform policy, I can't distract myself because I have a job to do, I can't exercise because I can't leave work, or go for a walk, or something like that. No access to ice cubes to hold, no taps to run hands under sometimes, no ability to listen to music, anything like that. Essentially I need a solution that I can enact without leaving the room or being 'distracted' for more than a couple of minutes. If anyone has any ideas what I could use for this, I would be grateful. I've heard breathing exercises are supposed to be good but often I can't switch my brain off still amongst them and end up leaning more to hyperventilation than relaxed breathing because I'm trying so hard to chill out.

Road Rage management

General Support / by Screen77

March 18th, 2023

...See more More a curiosity post to see if anyone else has dealt with it, but I struggle with road rage. I know I'm the one in the wrong. I live in an area with a lot of old people, and it's rare any of them ever get close to driving the speed limit and it drives me up the wall. It's hard to overtake in places but I find that even on the 10min trip between me and the nearest town I can get close to blowing my lid, more for the fact that I can't drive for even 10 minutes without getting slowed down for absolutely no reason. I'm not someone who'll get out the car and yell at someone directly or threaten anyone, and I get ragged off day to day sometimes but never to the degree I do in the car. I'll swear at people freely in my car, flip people off at worst and whilst I don't speed excessively a few mph over is usually where I sit, so to me it's not much to ask. I enjoy driving when I'm not interrupted, which is selfish I know but maybe it's the reason it gets to me so much. I'm a little concerned though that it's gonna result in something bad one day, but in the moment it's like I get tunnel vision and whilst I feel guilty when I calm down I struggle to stop myself whilst it's happening. I live about 400 miles away from family and sometimes I get to a point where I'm not even sure I'm gonna make it to the other end in one piece when I drive the 7hr trip to see them. I've also seen stuff saying to think about making it back safe to your family but we aren't really that close so I don't care that much. Looking online it says stuff like 'road ragers are usually angry in life in general' but I'm really not, I keep my emotions to myself so maybe they just come out in that environment? Has anyone else had this problem and how did you deal with it?

Hello from Screen

Depression Support / by Screen77

August 17th, 2022

...See more I've been on this site a while but never came to the Depression sub before. I'll be honest; I'm biased against it. I know it's stupid to be in denial. I don't have a diagnosis because I don't want one. I don't like the connotations the label "depressed" has and despite the fight for reduced stigma, in the circles I operate in IRL, I know I'll be judged and I don't want that. But that's my personal grudge to bear. I have no bias against people with Depression. But I can't keep running away. I've been having emotional issues for 8 years and managed to ignore it long enough for it to grow into emotional outbursts (both angry and sad), and struggles with SH and ideation. I don't know what I'm allowed to talk about here, some sites are picky on what you can and can't say so I'll avoid too much detail. Basically I'd say I'm near rock bottom. It wouldn't look that way to others; I have a job, food, a roof over my head, no financial trouble, no issues socialising, friends. I make my shifts on time and I remember everything I need to. But life is a bore, and I don't know what I get up for anymore. My friends are miles away from me and too poor with not enough holidays for me to see them regularly. My other friends are my work colleagues and I can't confide in them because they're both gossipy and I don't want them to spill stuff into the workplace. I hate being at home with my family even for a few days and avoid them at all costs, but I also have to not let them know anything is wrong at the same time, and pretend like I love them as much as they love me. I don't, can't, feel love. I'll never have a relationship, never have kids because I don't want anyone to have to live in the world we live in now, and I feel like everything I do is just a distraction until I die. But I can't be honest about it to anyone because I don't want them to react badly. Only people who've experienced it can truly understand what it is to feel like this, empty and hollow in a world full of experiences and opportunities. So yeah, sad and miserable but that's me. I've spent a long time avoiding labels and trying to fix what's wrong, but 3 counsellors down I feel like I've only got worse the more I picked apart my life and realised how empty it is. Even the stuff they recommend like exercise, healthy eating, activities, new hobbies, none of that makes a difference anymore no matter how many times I do it. I'll hope some stuff in here helps, even if it's just to vent to stop me exploding. Thanks for having me.

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