My life is a tragedy.

Hey guys.

Just joined here and decided to just post, because who else am I going to talk to, other than a bunch of random people on the internet who don't give a *** about my life or my problems? My family, who needs me to be the one who dosn't have problems? My friends, who are concerned about me, but I don't want to weigh them down the way I was once weighed down when a friend, who I no longer see, told me she was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, showed me on her arms where she had cut herself with a steak knife, and said, "Don't tell, or I'll never speak to you again." I never did, even when she told me how she broke her wrist in an attempt of suicide. This is the same toxic friend that, whenever we had a fight, she would ignore me and not speak to me until I apologized, even when it was her fault. I broke away from that toxic relationship last year, but it was really hard, because she was really the only friend I had, something I'm sure that she planned, keeping me away from people, saying about one of my now best friends, "Oh yeah, don't ever give her your number, she texts all the time with cuss words." WTF?!?! Not even true.

I'm so tired all of the time. I can never sleep, and whenever I try, it takes me hours to. I got 12 hours of sleep last night, and I'm still exhausted. I try to focus on my schoolwork, but I can't focus and I get distracted by games and other things, so I never finish hardly anything.

Yesterday, I went to the first play practice that I've been too since I got in and got sick with COVID. I was originally Chorus Member #2, which has 9 lines. I was naturally extremely upset, since 9 lines in a 1 1/2 hour play is not a lot, but I came to terms with it, thinking, you know what, I could've gotten something much worse. Then, I came to the musical practice. I was already in a extremely depressed mood, as I usually am at the end of most school days. Then, the unthinkable happened: I was told that I was moved to Guard #1, the smallest role in the entire play. The part has 2 lines, one of which is spoken with the other guard. I was, naturally, devastated, especially since we are doing Alice In Wonderland, with the card guards - a.k.a, the worst costume since my last play, Frozen, where my rock troll costume was a cheer-leading candy-cane gingerbread costume. I spent the next 10 minutes while we were practicing the "down the rabbit hole" scene staring up at the ceiling, blinking back tears. When we finally got to go to the sidelines, I sat down by myself, burying my face in my legs, feeling a few tears slip down my face, then trying to hide my face behind my script while I was wiping my tears away. I managed to make it through the almost full two hours without bawling, though I have no clue how.

When we were packing up, one of my best friends came up to me, saying, "Hey, you should have come sat with us!" I mumbled a weak. "Sorry." She could tell something was wrong, and said, "Hey, are you okay?" I said, "Yeah, I'm fine." mustering a weak smile. She didn't seem convinced, saying, "Are you sure? Do you need a hug?" I replied with a, "I always need a hug." and she gave me one, telling me I could talk to her if I needed too. I said a weak, "thanks." and grabbed all my stuff. One of my other friends, (who, by the way, is one of the two people playing the Chesire cat) got all in my face, which made me uncomfortable, as I'd just had COVID and she had a cough, and wasn't eager to get something else. She realized I wasn't good, and asked if I was okay. Again, I mustered a weak smile, and said, yeah, I'm fine. She said, "okay" and went off to talk to someone else.

Finally, we could leave, and I all but sprinted down to the parking lot, where I put on yet another happy mask. I didn't tell my mom that I'd been downgraded, she still doesn't know, and I'd like to keep it that way. I got to my room with a snack, turned on my radio, so no one could hear me, and cried, big, ugly sobs. I cried that I'd gotten pushed down to the worst role in the whole play. I cried that I couldn't talk to anyone. I cried listening to all of the songs about love I'd never have. (I'm aroace.) I cried that I was depressed and no one knew. I cried all the big ugly feelings out, crying and crying, while eating my emotional support food, pickles. I cried for probably about hour, restarting a couple of times throughout the evening.

When I took a shower, I turned the lights out and brought a night-light in so it'd be dark, and just laid down in the bottom of the tub, in the dark, not crying, just laying in the dark with my eyes closed, wishing that I would fall asleep and the water would flow up and I'd slip into the water and drown, and none of this pain would exist anymore. Of course, that didn't happen. I don't know I how long I lay there, in the bottom of the tub, water sprinkling my skin. It might have been a half hour, it might have been 5 minutes. I don't know. 

Later, I had dinner. I was pizza, which is one of my favorite meals. Not even that could get rid of my depressed mood though. 

Later than that, I lay in bed, tears in my eyes, trying to sleep, clutching a small rhino stuffed animal. I don't remember when I fell asleep. I don't even remember if I had any dreams. I just wish I could have slept longer. (I woke up at 10:30 AM.) Later, while trying to do homework, I got distracted, and stumbled upon some of the new laws against Trans people, trying not to cry or scream in anger. 

While writing this, I've almost cried multiple times. I think I feel better after writing this. It's hard to tell though, since I really just feel numb. And, just to put this all into perpspective, I'm 13. Adults, this is your fault. It's your fault that there are kids like me, not even living in a war zone, not even having social media, has terrible mental health issues and can't talk to anyone. It's the adults job to make sure kids have an amazing world to grow up in, but it looks like you all are doing a *** job. I wish that adults actually cared that kids and teens are struggling, instead of heaping expectations and stigmatism onto them. I know some adults care, and thank you for that. But there are more that don't. 

I'm sorry for writing so much, I don't know why I did, but if you read the whole thing, thank you. I should probably end this now, before I start ranting about something else (beauty expectations, LGBTQIA+ rights, eldest sibling expectations) but thank you if you read every word. It means a lot, I think.