Living with Depression
I can't take living like this anymore, there's not one passing second where I either feel empty, guilty, betrayed, tired, dejected or inflicted with a self-hatred so severe that I ruin absolutely every chance I have at improving my present condition. Those who have lost everything are given the expectation that they should automatically recover from their mistakes, but I can't seem to get any better. I'm all too used to being bullied, beaten up, insulted and every other despicable action disguised as a reasonable action to force me to a state of bitter defeat, reduced to the point of tears and begging to be put down for the good of all. It's like my entire life was a joke, like everything was pointless, no matter what illusion I fell for. My friends, old and new, have left me. My family, I'm too afraid to even talk to them about it out of fear of being punished. It still hurts to have to be forced to remember all of the things that have happened to me, trying to make friends as time passed. Even as time passes, I still remember how damaged I felt back then and how damaged I feel now. I don't know whether it's my past that's making me feel like this. Whether I feel obligated to accept the torture that comes from mere being or resist it, I'm still alive. I have to continue until my time naturally comes, or else my absence would bring even more sadness into the world and I don't want anyone else to feel the way that I did. As of now, living in pure hermetic solitude, I have found a temporary peace from the chaos of life. All I can really do about it now is write and in that, I might be able to find the right path to recovery.
Sorry youre going through all of this! Hugs!
@RobespierreINTJ
Hey man, it's been a while since you wrote this so I hope you're feeling a little better today.
Admittedly I can't speak with any authority (very sorry if you don't find this helpful), but while reading this it sorta reminded me of some of the issues I'm facing (albeit to a lesser extent myself) - especially regarding that 'self-hatred'. I always believed in being better than my old self but all too often it just causes more damage in building a resentment for your past actions and things you'd never do a second time around. I know how that feels and find myself in that train of though a lot. It's useful to remember that without mistakes, we'd never be able to make good decisions. The human mind learns though experimentation, which applies to all aspects of life. Anyone who you consider to be 'flawless' has probably also done hundreds of embarassing things in their life.
That being said, 'learning from mistakes' isn't an immediate change like people say, which you alluded to. The reality is things - people - do take time to adapt and evolve, and in our current culture it's perceived as unacceptable to not improve at the rate of others. If you think that's a silly idea (which a lot do): just don't subscribe to it. Remember that only you control your choices and nobody has the right to expect anything from you. I promise you one day you will find some friends who propely respect you, who you can share your interests with and have a meaningful relationship with. Unfortunately like a lot of things it takes time to find these true friends, but that's a part of what makes them so valuable. You will find them. (perhaps even in old friends, if you still have the potential to strike up a random conversation with them. maybe worth a shot)
Just remember that even now there's always somebody you can talk to if you feel alone, on here or in your physical life. I understand why you'd be afraid about revealing things to your family, but that could perhaps be a good option at this point. It's easy for us to overthink reactions from people but ultimately I believe your family would want you to be happy, even if you think they aren't doing a great job of showing it. By talking on here it looks like you're looking for communication, so perhaps opening up a little to them could be helpful too? (that being said, if you're suggesting a more serious domestic issue then that might need to be raised higher up. just a thought)
Anyway, I really hope things start looking up for you sometime and remember, you're not bound to this frame of mind for life. Keep pushing through.
Peace :)
(also sorry if I did something wrong, I'm very new here :o)