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RobespierreINTJ
14,122 M Pacing Forward 10
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts576 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2018 Member sinceOctober 1, 2015
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Living with Depression
Depression Support / by RobespierreINTJ
Last post
May 28th, 2018
...See more I can't take living like this anymore, there's not one passing second where I either feel empty, guilty, betrayed, tired, dejected or inflicted with a self-hatred so severe that I ruin absolutely every chance I have at improving my present condition. Those who have lost everything are given the expectation that they should automatically recover from their mistakes, but I can't seem to get any better. I'm all too used to being bullied, beaten up, insulted and every other despicable action disguised as a reasonable action to force me to a state of bitter defeat, reduced to the point of tears and begging to be put down for the good of all. It's like my entire life was a joke, like everything was pointless, no matter what illusion I fell for. My friends, old and new, have left me. My family, I'm too afraid to even talk to them about it out of fear of being punished. It still hurts to have to be forced to remember all of the things that have happened to me, trying to make friends as time passed. Even as time passes, I still remember how damaged I felt back then and how damaged I feel now. I don't know whether it's my past that's making me feel like this. Whether I feel obligated to accept the torture that comes from mere being or resist it, I'm still alive. I have to continue until my time naturally comes, or else my absence would bring even more sadness into the world and I don't want anyone else to feel the way that I did. As of now, living in pure hermetic solitude, I have found a temporary peace from the chaos of life. All I can really do about it now is write and in that, I might be able to find the right path to recovery.
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