constant regrets, guilt, i dont know
tbh, i don’t even know how to start. I just turned 19 but i’m already feeling at a total loss and i’m really really tired of living. I have social anxiety, i have all sorts of stupid thoughts i have inside my head every day, i second guess my decisions everything, i feel guilty about things that i have no control of doing, i really just want to stop thinking. Now it’s just my semester break but i just want to run away from my college life that just started this year. I just want to quit living. i’m sick and tired of how I’m living, and sick and tired of thinking how I would survive in the adult world in the future. It’s tiring to keep thinking and believing that there would be eventually one day when i’ll start looking forward to living but as days goes by, the more unhappy i become when i’m not distracting myself. I have family issues since i was young so I got used to it but it sure changed my perspective on love and marriage, and just a year back , i experienced a friendship break and it really sucked the life out of me. I was having trouble sleeping, I relied on playing music so that I don’t hear my thoughts but the loud music i was playing. And just this year, my life is just really falling apart and going downhill. The occurrence of my depression episodes increases but i relied on my distractions but i just can’t get everything out of my head and my chest feels so so heavy I just hate to continue suffering like this. And I keep doing stuffs that I knew I would regret doing, It wasn’t my intention to but i was mean to my friends on impulse and then apologized hours later. I just wish i could stop myself from losing control I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me I don’t even know if there’s anything that can unease the heaviness i feel everyday. I just feel so embarrassed that I’m me like i don’t want to exist. I want to stop i want all these to stop. 😪 I just wish theres a legal way of dying without pain and it wouldn’t be tragic because i would then be able to rest in peace right ? What’s the point of living while expecting or wishing for something great to happen in the future when the cost of it is to suffer now. At this point i just want to quit being social and all so i wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone. but as of now, theres really nothing i can do about all these, my family isn’t really that accepting of the idea of depression so no one in my family knows how i have these kind of thoughts everyday and they wouldn’t be comfortable talking about this so here i am releasing my thoughts on this forum… i just really wished i wasn’t born as me you know? i just really hate my personality somehow… i hate how my mind works.. everything about me. I feel so sorry about myself because it’s literally so pathetic that I’m living like this despite living a privileged life. I’m not sure i want to live this life till the very end. anyways, if you happen to read this, i’m really grateful that you did and i hope you have a really nice day :) i’m sorry if it sounds confusing my thoughts are just everywhere.
@FrozenRob0t. Thanks for posting and for sharing what is going on for you right now.
It sounds like things are really tough for you and have been that way for quite a while.
Seems that it would be really difficult to have all those thoughts in your head every day. You say that you're sick of living the way you are, what way would you like to be living right now?
Sounds like that when you are not distracting things are unhappy and feel heavy, and I'm just wondering whether you are holding on to stuff that needs to come out, or am I wrong?
I am sorry that you are going through this, and just to let you know that I am here if it helps.
take care
paul
Hi, First I want to address the topic of death because of a recent experience I had. When you are faced with even a remote possibility of death, you realize that life is the greatest blessing you’ll ever have. This adult life you fear is not a bad thing, it too is a blessing. You build your environment as you please. Whether it’s family, friends, or solitude that you want, there is an infinite number of ways to enjoy either. I can’t give advice on how to get over depression as I have never had it. All I can say is keep trying to find new ways to help your depression. Keep trying and never stop trying. Once you succeed, you can build and rebuild relationships. It may be hard to see life as a blessing right now, but it is the objective truth and you will see it, whether that happens when you beat your depression or even further down the line. Also, don’t feel pathetic. Mental health conditions, despite how common and normal they are, can get such a tight grip on you, and influence your thinking so much. That’s not your fault. I wish you the best of luck, know that there are people who do/will understand you.
Hey there! I could really relate...I'm also 19 turning 20 next year. I also wanted to just run away from college life. On the semestral break before college, I spent most of my time lying around just dreading everything. I felt like I was incompetent...I also questioned what life would be like for me...I wasn't so thrilled with the course I was planning on even if it was my decision as it is the most practical and not far from what I wanted. My family wasn't "peaceful" when I was younger.
I felt so lost in life... I still feel lost until now and our classes have already started. I'm not as engaged as I wanted to be but I'm managing to get through...I can't afford therapy but what has helped for the moment was listening to lectures by a clinical psychologist, Jordan Peterson, on youtube. It helped me reflect on what I went through before and gave me a sense of direction.
I hope hearing this helps...I guess it's to say that "you are not alone" in feeling lost at this point in life. I hope you are doing well now. :)
