@Aubrynn
thank you for the thread. I really need to vent to be honest.
So in september of this year I'm going to move close to my university. However until then I'm stuck in this home. Now I love my family with all my heart, yet my dad is VERY negative and my sister is just a hot mess. I only have my mum and my mum only has me (and this if we're having an ok day).
My dad complains about everything so when I get home exahusted after classes, waiting in the cold for my train for about an hour, starving and with work to do, I have to see him angry and complain about the tinniest little thing. I get venting is good but in his case is just enjoying being negative and makes me really angry!! I end up absorving his fricking negativity and even my boyfriend notices that happens when I'm at home. If I text my boyfriend while in class he see's I'm better.
My sister? Even worst. She's a sweet girl when she wants to, extremly creative, very beautiful and even smart. However she's the most lazy person I EVER met. Not because of mental illness, not because of something going on with her life (in fact we were so worried we payed for a therapist to make sure she was ok). She's just lazy.
She never enjoys the help she's offered like my parents paying 70 euros for a geometry teacher (where I live this is rich kids stuff and we're actually poor), she NEVER does her homework, NEVER studies, yet complains how she has bad grades and that her teachers don't help her while in fact her teachers constantly send e-mails very worried, ask her in a sweet whay what is wrong and she refuses to do shit!
Now I'm the first daughter and I have massive pressure to be successfull. SO much pressure my dad was emotionally abusive for me to have A+ since I was little and never fail. Now not saying this is healthy, would never wish this to my sister. But as someone who to this day works very hard, and not because of my dad but because you only get far in life by working, I have to put up with this crap. I work my a** off and I have to hear to these arguments all the time because my sister is beyond addicted to internet and to her online friends. Is good to have friends online who you can trust and have fun, but life isn't JUST games and fun.
I come from a poor family and my ancestors were even worst. People never had the opportunity to go to university, and women were actually phorbbiden to go to school. We have that opportunity. And she actually wants that but doesn't do anything for it and thinks life will greet her randomly just because she wants to.
In summary: tired of lazy people who want everything given to them and negativity. I can't wait to get the hell out of this house . I'll be in a place where I can study properly, I don't have to ask to sleep because my sister screams in calls with her american friends at 4 am and refuses to hang up, I don't have to listen to arguments... I can't wait :(
@Booklover95
Hey there, thanks for replying to this thread! I'm so sorry for the late reply love. 
I'm pretty sorry to hear that's going on in your family and it's impossible to not love your family with all your heart - they seem like a wacky lot! However, that does sound like a sticky situation that could make you feel scared and possibly negative due to the situation. It's important to always remember that you'll be getting out soon and you should focus on your academics whilst reminding them not to forget you whilst you're gone! I'm glad you have your mom though, having your mom as general peer support probably helps a lot.
It definitely makes sense that after your dad rants about small details, you might feel off and possibly really mad - I mean, I definitely would. It's just really frustrating to hear someone keep venting and venting and venting about something that you can't possibly fix and him just trying to tick people off seemingly, or being negative, completely makes sense.
Sibling rivalry and hate happens in every single family, except yours sounds pretty frustrating too. Although I'm a lazy person myself, some things do tick me and I wake up and I do go, oh shoot I better try harder - and I do try harder. It's hard to deal with lazy people, it's as if they're sometimes they're just bothering everyone else. I see why you're that frustrated though, she's got lots of resources money can buy and she's just not that understanding and not accomadative at all. She isn't taking advantage of the situation, which makes sense why you're so mad.
I think being the first daughter really does get that pressure cooker going. Your parents believe that you're going to trace out the future for your younger siblings, thus they add pressure on you. It does sound like they prioritise your academics and just being succesful in general. I'm so, SO glad that you're able to look past that and realise that working will give you a better future, possibly, and thanks for walking towards it and getting better. Given the circumstances, I'd be pretty pissed myself as I couldn't fix the other problems even though you've been doing so well and having been such a perfect daughter to everyone. And yes I completely agree. Life isn't all about enjoyment, it's more like a balance between the two - problems and enjoyment. Although online friends are good, she needs to step out of her comfort zone too.
I'm so proud of you for being able to understand the rules of life and that you're pretty lucky to even be able to go to university and study in order to broaden your education and actually get a good job. That's something really hard to understand, and you're very, very wise for able to understand that.
I do hope that by the time university rolls, you'll feel less stressed, loaf.
Lots of love and more and more and more hugs!
- Aubrynn
I really hate it when my counsellor/therapist looks at me with so much pity. I've spoken to two different counellors and they both have that look and it just makes me feel that much worse. And then when I had to go to my general doctor about my mental health she seemed so indifferent towards me and now I don't really have anywhere else to go for help as all the 'permitted' sessions I could get from the university is over. It took me years for me to get help in the first place. And now no one is telling me what to do next... one of my therapist suggested i go back to the doctor for an alternative such as medication, but I'm too scared to do that, and my parents have such a negative view on antidepressants as my grandma used to work in a mental health ward so they believe I will never come of medication. But really I'm just tired and willing to try anything at this point to make it stop.
@Bloom97
sorry you're not feeling ok with your therapist
(to long for me to read it all)
@Bloom97
Why such a bad negative view on anti-depressants? They exist for a reason. It shouldn't be a first choise obviously, but if you feel that only that will help you than no one should have a saying in that. We are all different even in mental illness. For example I chose to not take my anti-depressants because therapy is working well. If in your case you think meds will help then go for it. We only have one life so we might aswell live it the best and peacefully as we can.
Now in therapists, it might not be pity. It might be compassion. Two totally different things. She might feel surprised and even sad that a human being is going through so much, after all a person is only human and no matter how much someone tries to be indiferent is hard. I really doubt that person is looking at you with pity.
@Booklover95 yeah you're right, I shouldn't let my parents decide what I need. I guess I just find it hard to disobey what they want because I've always been someone that does as I'm told... but thanks for the reminder that it's my life and I should do what I think is best :)
@Bloom97
Oh wow, it's common that counsellors/therapists seem pitiful instead of understanding. I completely understand what you mean. I've also had friends have similar experiences and it honestly just sucks because instead of seeing them as someone who could understand your situation, they end up doing the opposite.
It's hard to completely click with counsellors so I'm glad you did take time to try 2 different counsellors - but have you tried to find listeners here and expressing this issue to them? Although listeners here aren't professionally trained, they are genuinely understanding and lovely (at least some of them), and you've got a huge range here. I can't say that they can completely be as helpful as a therapist could, but I swear, it will help!
You can also try antidepressants as one of your therapists' suggested, or express towards your therapists that they should just cut the crap and do what they're supposed to do instead of driving you away! Okay, maybe not say that - but being open and honest and tell them how you feel would definitely encourage me, as a therapist, to change my ways and better myself so I can be a better therapist to other people. Of course, there's no guarantee it would work but I completely understand what you mean. You can also try to find a psychiatrist as you listed, who will give you antidepressants.
I would personally raise the pros and cons of each and evaluate before choosing yourself on what decision you want to make, loaf.
Take care,
Aubrynn
@Aubrynn thanks for the advice. I'll try them out :) I guess I'm just nervous to go back to the doctor but I'll try
@Aubrynn
Thanks for the thread... :::sits down soap box and climbs on -- clears throat::: I apologize it's long, it's compounded, and if you'd rather skip it ... go ahead - I wouldn't blame you.
Last night was an emotional meltdown night - it's continuing into day - which isn't making anything any easier. What's really sad - I tried reaching out to over 8 (lost count at 8) so-called 24/7 Crisis online chats ... and they were closed. Yep -- CLOSED. Which added much unneeded fuel to an already faltering emotional situation. Don't use the phrase 24/7 if you aren't there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!!!! 2 hours of crying, chest pains, and downright exhaustion later - I passed out to restless sleep and a crappy morning.
No, I didn't come to 7cups because I didn't feel like it would help at the level of emotional meltdown I was at. Sometimes, 7cups compounds the emotional conflicts and uproar and I sought a different - and failed to universal proportions - avenue of coping.
::::Takes deep breathe and lets it roll::::
So many straws are piling on the camels back -- a boss that makes fun of me for my health issues and now does it with the new employee and her friends (who are suddenly getting jobs in house when we supposedly don't have any money in the budget for even supplies) PLUS she keeps threatening my job and I"m to the point I just want to walk out and leave it and just give up - the whipping post has broken. I would just like to say PHUKET, an island in Indonesia and walk away but I can't -- too many responsibilites. Health and well-being be crammed. (edited for your consumption)
My Mum's declining health and she's transferring anxiety and stress (yelling alot and hyperfocusing on things I do that apparently I do wrong - load the dishwasher, clean the litterbox, try to do a 1'x1' declutter cleaning of the house in C.H.A.O.S. - can't have anyone over syndrome) and the constant yelling at the cats and me because she's seeing how bad this is all getting and I'm starting to falter under it all as the sole bread winner and she's trying to hide more stuff that has come in to add to fire like her needing eye surgery before the end of the month -- SURPRISE!!! Oh, and the government is talking about cutting her coverage ... gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.
My cats' declining health - 3 trips this month already. One has hyperthyroidism and gets pilled 2 times a day -- bless his heart, I practically choke him but he's getting better about asking for it. He's having litterbox issues and is, I think, picking up on the stress and is himself getting stressed and making stress by peeing where he isn't supposed to - a bad stress cycle there. One has developed skin lesions and dark spots in her eyes (sometimes a sign of cancer in her breed) - and now we have to monitor it, vet is growing concerned and now we have to check her daily for changes. The third cat -- she's grumpy, dehydrated and has dander so bad it's pitiful. She's recovering from nearly starving to death 2-3 years ago before she was rescued... so she's dealing with pica and fears water that has anything floating in it and her vocalization is a loud "EH" or "Mmmmm". She has separation and storm anxiety - we had tornadoes last week here, so she's wound up like a top. The 4th cat -- she's doing the best -- but she likes to whine which is grating nerves. Her back is starting to give her problems... I'm aware and it's just one more straw.
My declining health (allergies, auto immune, stress that is literally killing me, & more), my declining bank account -- contrary to Dr. Carson at HUD, the bank won't take happy thoughts and good intentions in place of my check, I asked, no insurance to see a doctor, bills coming left and right, the mortgage just got jacked up and it already takes 2 paychecks to pay one month, 3 cars needing repairs, and a logistics nightmare to do with property lines is brewing (with neighbor and the municipality). ::: holds stabbing pain in head and continues:::
I'm sucking at finding a job - am I that unemployable??? Where are all these jobs they keep talking about?? I've built so many resumes and CV's - tayloring them to the job and cover letter. I'm just so frustrated - what's wrong with me?? Why can't I rate even an interview? I keep broadening my search a state out at a time -- I've even applied out of country too - and NOTHING.
My malnutrition is mucking with my anxiety and depression and helping trigger this loverly episode. There's a direct correlation between getting glutened/wheated and my depression/anxiety worsening. Long story short - it throws off how I absorb nutriets and minerals - and basically starves me and throws my electrolytes out of balance while my body attacks itself and reacts to the "invaders" wheat and gluten. Then it cascades into a whole system of issues - calcium gets mucked and that depends on mangesium and mucks it up - which makes the body draws from the muscles (aches and pains), brain (migraine and emotional war), and organs (asthma attack, digestive distress, heart racings, etc) PLUS protein shortages lead to additional issues like fatigue, muscle breakdown, breathing problems and such added on top. It took years to figure out how food is playing a roll in my health and emotions but it's harder to manage than most people would think - diet, supplements and minerals and figuring out dosages for recovery phases vs daily doses. I basically have to maintain this myself noe because I lost my insurance this year because of the cost increase - and the stress isn't helping either. :::takes deep breathes as the chest is tightening and I feel like fleeing:::
Anyone who ask how I"m doing and I give the ultra-short version -- "armour up sweetie", "do you deserve what your boss is saying, are you the problem?", "there are people far worse off than you" and my I want to hit them with the chair trigger, "Surely it's not that bad, you're just being sensitive. Put your big girl panties on". ::eye twitches:: This boss sent her husband in to cuss me out and threaten me - he stood there with his fist shaking like he was fighting hitting me -- oh yeah, I deserved that -- everybody gets treated like that at work right?????
Add the modern day crap to the looking back at life's overall crap (abuse cycles, bullying (btw it doesn't stop when you leave school), sacrifices for family over my own needs and how much I did give up, wondering why I keep ending up in the same place in life over and over - am I just a natural failure that's here to be the "at least my life isn't hers") PLUS the brain talk that isn't all that helpful -- and life is just pretty .... _______________. Fill in the blank with your favorite explicative that fits. Hear the creaking?? That's the camels back breaking... I don't think it will last the day.
:::Gets down off soap box, breaks it into kindling, and lights it on fire:::: Thank you for joining me in my mini-meltdown Day 2. Exits aren't clearly marked, so make your way out however possible but do it fast.
I feel empty like absolutely nothing brings me joy anymore. I used to be a really happy, joyous, always laughing kind of person and now I just see everything in a pessimistic way. I feel as though I have no one in my life who gives a damn about me and also not having anyone to talk to makes me feel even worse. The feeling itself is scary because its becoming the norm for me I wish I knew how to change this.
@Lavenderrose95 I feel the same way..It sucks.
I'm struggling. I have struggled with depression for years, and reached a breaking point about two weeks ago. During that depressive episode, I tried to hang myself and ended up being threatened with the notion that I might end up in a psych ward. Through all of this, I have started new medication, and have begun to attend counseling regularly. But the thing is, It's making me worse. I'm feeling so awful, and out of control of my emotions. I'm angry, I'm jealous, I'm sad, I'm easily hurt, I cry so much, and I just don't know what to do. And sadly, through this I am driving people away. I am making my boyfriend frustrated, I am losing friends, and my family is at the end of their rope. I just don't know what to do. The feelings are becoming overwhelming. I feel as if someone is blowing a balloon up in my chest, to the point of it almost popping. I can't breathe. And I'm just finding this so hard to handle.
@RisingMoon21 how long have you been on the medication for? It takes 2-4 weeks to start working. That might be the reason you feel worse. Or it may not be the medication for you. For me. I went on antidepressants because it was my very last resort, but I found one that worked for me and Im starting to feel better. A lot of the time, were taking the wrong one. I watched this Joe Rogan podcast on depression and found it to be very helpful https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gKkrJDmzgJI It really explains all the types of antidepressants and what neurotransmitters you may be lacking. Very interesting and informative, I hope it helps you as much as its helped me.
@Aubrynn
It's only the second day of the week and I barely even studied yesterday and yet I'm already burned out. I only accomplished one hard topic today which is one subject only. Okay, not really one because I also finished reading and highlighting another subject but there were only few pages away when I finished so it's like it wasn't really much of a studying. I don't know I'm just not really satisfied with it. Maybe because it's been four days and all I've been focusing is summarizing two subjects. I mean, I'm fine with it somehow, just trying to finish everything I've left behind before jumping to new ones even if it takes days to finish them. What I hate is this feeling of wanting to take the day off early, wasting time for activities that are not studying. It's like giving up so fast. I think it's my mind, it's the traitor. I think it's trying to find something I can be sad for so I wouldn't work my ass off.
Or maybe it's because of this morning when I checked out my sister's Facebook account and I saw these people posting photos of how happy their lives are right now, and thus all of a sudden I had this miserable feeling because I missed posting my thoughts in there too, being all creative and stuff, but more on lonely feeling since I've deleted all my social media accounts so no could contact me and disturb me from studying for the board exam. And then tonight, I also checked my best friend's account and I saw that he posted photos of his farewell party at the company he's currently working, and it's not even a big deal but it made me sad that he didn't texted me and said something about it, or whatever the hell is going on in his life right now. I mean, he used to do that. He used to distract me from my stressful studying. Or no, I'm being unfair because I used to text him too before, just not anymore since he's not doing the same. Or maybe I scared him off when I vented to him the last time he messaged me. Maybe he's sick and annoyed of me or whatever. I don't know. It's just probably my irrational thoughts speaking and I have to remind myself that this is what I want, giving people reasons to let me go.
Shouldn't letting go be painless if you've never learned how to hold on?
@plumField5702
Your last line. Hit me :( i feel you too. The struggle is unbearable.
@julssss18
thank you. i know. why does this have to be this complicated? :(
@Aubrynn
I hate my life, I feel like I have a problem in all of the aspects in my life. This is why I hate my life!
@julssss18
exactly what i feel right now. it's so unfair because i didn't ask for this. :(
@plumField5702
Someday.... just.. someday it will all be okay. :)
@julssss18
holding on to that. :)