Drifting.
I feel like I'm stuck in a never ending cycle of happiness, content, and depression. Something good will happen and I'll feel great. I'll feel excited, giggly, I'll do out of character things like help someone out or give someone a gift for no real reason other than just wanting to. Then I'll start to feel content with life. I'll Smile when I want to, laugh when others laugh, I'll do what I want to and I won't care. Then I'll start to get these nagging thoughts.. "maybe I should care?" "What if they're just pretending?" "What if I die tomorrow?" and these thoughts start ivading and taking over and I draw and I write, but my thoughts never seem to fit into one word or one page or one drawing, and everything I do leaves me unsatisfied with the way life is. I forget what happiness is. I feel like nobody cares, and that is proven by the hundreds of people I walk by at school.
How, how in the world do these people not see these leeches latching onto me sucking the energy out of my smiles and my movements and my personality? How can they talk to me every day and not notice?
So I'm just drifting through this stage of depression with no idea of when or if it will end, and my girlfriend is worried because she thinks maybe she's making me unhappy or that maybe I don't love her. it's not true. I can't focus. I get easily irritated. I want to sleep. I want to cry. I want affection.
If I had all of these things, would I be so depressed?
Until it repeats.
@MewThirdWheel
I wish I could fiqure out how to tell someone how I feel so that they would understand my depression. Actually hate using that term becasue each time I am told I am fighting depression or I tell someone that I have very negative emotions. My wife worries that she makes me unhappy and questions if I love her becasue of my depression. If I can not describe it, how can I get over it. The symptoms and triggers for everone are different. I like you am seeking affection. My wife tells me it is hard to give someone affection when they are depressed, but I need it to help me feel better. Not sure what to do any more myself and like you the cycle just keeps repeating from happiness, to content, to depression. It is killing me inside as I feel i am hurting way to many people.
Hi there
That sounds incredibly difficult for you as your mood patterns seem to really go from one end of the continuum to the next. Have you ever made any mood journals? You could start by listing your moods from happy, content to sadness and depression, record dates and times and possible triggers and then you may be able to make more sense of the cycle of your moods.
As for explaning to relatives - it is difficult for them to understand as much as it is difficult for you to explain. Perhaps you could write down how you're feeling and have a chat with your wife?
Lisa
