Difficult choices

Today has been hard. I had to quit my job in 2020 because of the pandemic and started an Etsy store to sort of cope with the isolation and anxiety. The creative work I’ve done for that purpose has always felt like the most vulnerable part of me expressing itself, even if the pieces I make are pretty silly. For a while in between I was taking a lot of classes and put this aside, but for the last 4 months I’ve been out of school and I have no idea what am I supposed to do now. So I’ve been working again on my creative work, because it usually brings me joy. But this last month or two months I’ve tried to put it on Etsy, and Instagram, and it’s been really hard to see nobody cares about it. I feel it’s silly to take it so seriously, but it feels that is talking directly to me, that the message is that I don’t matter and that my attempts at expressing myself are a joke.

today I put everything I’ve made for the last year on a garbage bag and it’s sitting there and a part of me wants to throw it all away and the other part is torn, like I don’t know who I am without it, without this silly lo hope that I could be some sort of artist. And I’m just really sad today, feeling paralyzed emotionally.