Anhedonia/Emptiness
Hello fellow travelers. Thank you for being here, and for listening. I am someone who has struggled with depression since I was 19. I began taking medication at the age of 27 and am now 40. I participate in therapy and am also in recovery. I have family support and two beautiful children. I am blessed in many ways. However, despite the medications and therapy, I feel *numb* and *empty* a lot. We've tried reducing my meds which always creates more issues. I've tried different meds. But nothing really takes away the empty, disconnected feeling I have. I don't feel excited when my kids want to show me something. I don't feel connected to friends. I pretend to be engaged but often am just play-acting, which I am quite good at. At this point, I'm switching therapists, as the one I have hasn't been able to help me on this particular issue. My worst fear is that it can't be fixed, and I'll be numb and disconnected forever ‐ through all the beautiful moments of my kids growing up, through everything...I'll just keep having to pretend. I could use some insights and encouragement as sometimes, I don't know what to do or where to turn.
Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry to hear all that you have been dealing with. I don't know if this will resonate with you or not, but... Sometimes when I feel scared my numbness will never go away, I try to remember that being scared IS a feeling. Even if that's all I can feel, even if it's only "concern" about the numbness, its proof of some feeling.
I can see that. It's just my emotions are so dialed down. Like, I can barely perceive them. It makes me want to blame my meds, but I can't remember if this existed before them....
I see that you are facing difficulties with the emotional numbness that you are experiencing. With that emotional numbness, you have that disconnected feeling as well. I have a feeling that at one time, you were a person with deep feelings and connection. And then after you got put on the medicine you became emotionally numb and disconnected. As of right now, you are struggling to get your emotions back. You want to have the feelings that your lacking. Part of the reason, is that the emotional numbness and disconnection takes away the feelings of love too. You want to feel the connection and engagement with your friends and kids. I understand how you are afraid that this will last forever. You have made attempts to reduce your medications but it creates more issues. And you want to be fully present and engaged for the best moments of you and your kids lives. Chances are is the medication is causing this numbness and hopefully the new therapist can help you out with making the life changes so that you are at your happiest. Medication is really hard to reduce. I commend you for making these attempts to get on the track that you desire to be.
You are a great listener and get what I am saying. Thank you. It is tricky because numbness can also be depression. It can be medication. It can be PTSD. Last time, I tried to reduce meds I struggled so much we had to put me right back on them. I feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place. Thankfully, it's the numbness I battle most and not extreme depression. My self-care is good, I am level, calm, and generally positive. The meds take away the suffering, but the numbness remains.....
You're welcome. It is tricky because numbness can come from different sources such as depression and PTSD. Just as you mention. It's tricky because it can be hard to tell if the numbness is coming from the medications or from the other sources. If you reduce or go off of a medicine and you get feeling back, then you know it was the medication. I understand how hard the medication withdrawal can be. The way that your medications work, is the work as an entire collective. They have certain reactions with each other and create a balance. When you reduce one medication, that changes the entire balance of the other medications as well. And if the medications aren't balanced correctly, you will feel that. Just imagine having a structure of anything and removing a part of it. For example, if you think about a dollhouse that has had one wall removed from a room in it. That is going to put more pressure on that ceiling because the support was taken out. That ceiling bends and it stresses. It's the same with medication. In this example of a dollhouse, if it could be re-arranged in a way more suitable for a happy life, that would be ideal. That takes a bit of remodeling. It's so important to find a psychiatrist that will work with you on this and explain these things to you. I agree that medications do take away most of the suffering and painful feelings. But once the long term side effects happen, you may have no choice but to go off them and then it is back to dealing with those painful feelings plus the pain from the side effects. I know what you are going through. I hope for you that things work out in your favor. Keep trying at this. You can do it!!! If you would like to talk to me more about this, you can message me as well.
