All Faith is Lost

Recently I took on a job that is commission-based. The past couple of weeks were not that successful, but in this market a good week can turn a frown upside down. I needed this past week to be a good week, and it wasn't. Now I'm behind in bills and haven't been this financially depleted since college. I had another job for some time but had to quit due to my carpal tunnel becoming severe and not being able to pick up anything with my left hand.

I'm a Christian. Have been for most of my life. My faith has gotten me through tough times before. However, not only did I not work my tail off (in and out of the field) but I truly trusted God to make a way and I did a lot to make my life more pleasing to Him, including tithing for the last year while employed.

I was upset about last week's poor numbers but this week I'm just disappointed in Him. I've completely lost faith and started to take God out of my daily life. Stopped reading scripture, deleted Christian stations, uninstalled bible apps, etc. I still hear Gospel songs in my head, but I guess with time they will fade away. I'm in a low place and I really feel like God left me twisting in the wind. I seriously prayed for my death. I don't think about committing suicide becuase I have a family that depends on me and I don't want them to think I gave up on them, but death would stop the pain. This depression episode has me still in bed at 11AM when I'm usually a morning person. Maybe I'll get out of this financial funk next week. I just can't see how at the moment.