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Sdnf4Iawu
719 M Little Steps
PathStep 11 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts83 Forum upvotes105 Current upvotes105 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2020 Member sinceJuly 28, 2016
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All Faith is Lost
Depression Support / by Sdnf4Iawu
Last post
 October 1st, 2017
...See more Recently I took on a job that is commission-based. The past couple of weeks were not that successful, but in this market a good week can turn a frown upside down. I needed this past week to be a good week, and it wasn't. Now I'm behind in bills and haven't been this financially depleted since college. I had another job for some time but had to quit due to my carpal tunnel becoming severe and not being able to pick up anything with my left hand. I'm a Christian. Have been for most of my life. My faith has gotten me through tough times before. However, not only did I not work my tail off (in and out of the field) but I truly trusted God to make a way and I did a lot to make my life more pleasing to Him, including tithing for the last year while employed. I was upset about last week's poor numbers but this week I'm just disappointed in Him. I've completely lost faith and started to take God out of my daily life. Stopped reading scripture, deleted Christian stations, uninstalled bible apps, etc. I still hear Gospel songs in my head, but I guess with time they will fade away. I'm in a low place and I really feel like God left me twisting in the wind. I seriously prayed for my death. I don't think about committing suicide becuase I have a family that depends on me and I don't want them to think I gave up on them, but death would stop the pain. This depression episode has me still in bed at 11AM when I'm usually a morning person. Maybe I'll get out of this financial funk next week. I just can't see how at the moment.
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Self Sabotage
Depression Support / by Sdnf4Iawu
Last post
 July 17th, 2017
...See more Relationships come relatively easy for me. I'm a great, genuine guy who's a great listener and knows how to love. I met a wonderful woman a few months ago and we hit it off. She loves me so much and I love her as well. However, I do have trust issues. I know this and I've admitted such to her. She's currently in a vacation with a couple of friends of our the country for a week and the couple of times we've talked have led to arguments. I feel like I'm jealous because I'm not there with her (this was booked before we met) and I'm still dealing with real life while she's enjoying herself. So my major depressive disorder makes me want to make her as miserable as I am, which is sad. But I know this is who I am. My mom did the same to me (and probably any man she dated) and now I'm doing the same thing to a woman that doesn't deserve it. I'm seriously thinking about breaking things off when she gets back. I know it would break her heart but I don't want to keep putting her through this every time she goes somewhere without me for a few days. But importantly, I think I'm destined to be alone. Now I'm beginning to understand why my mom's relationships suffered. I know she pushed guys away who may have been good for her. These episodes of depression is not only a drag to the victim, but also their loved ones and I don't want my depression to drag anybody else down.
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