ranting vent

Things are progressively getting worse for me.

I am dealing with life long depression , social anxiety disorder, PTSD, and probably a few other things.

These issues are treatable , in my opinion for someone either not dealing with more than one problem at once, and are fresh into the problem. Meds, coping skills, CBT,DBT, Exposure Therapy, all great things, for those who have just learned  what their problem is, and have not given up on life, and have people in their life to help them achieve their goals.

Now take me for example, I am 45, been dealing with depression, since I was a child, then progressed into anxiety and social anxiety disorder, then progressed into PTSD,  been on meds off n on most of my life, still on meds now, to just keep me from not setting houses on fire or worse.

no job, no solid work history, no social network i can rely on daily, no car, 

and i read how exposure therapy can work, and I am like, well ya, for someone who still has the fight in them to want to have a life, to want to recover, and has a few good people in their life on a daily basis, and the person has a goal that they are excited about and wants to achieve.

I have none of that, I have one place I honestly enjoy in town and that is my local comic book shop, it took me a solid year, to just converse with staff and get acquainted with them, another year to talk to a regular customer I had seen there an wanted to chat with, and to ask about employment.

and that was how long " Exposure " took me.

and now i have honestly given up on life.

I am just existing.

at some point, when society is a bit more stable, and i guess the economy is right, Ill sell my home and try something. what, i have no real clue, in terms of using that money to be some what financially stable. but i will find a cheap piece of land, and get a single wide and hook it to solar power at a minimum, and a water well if possible.

if i can cross of two big utilities, that just leaves paying for removal of garbage, sewage, and property taxes and food.

already had a gastric bypass so that is helping cut down on food expenses. 

but my drive for life is gone, my hope is gone,  my mom passed 2 years ago and i still hurt from her passing, i miss her every single day, i catch myself often verbally telling her i love her, or just calling out to her, pretending she is going to respond.

my pop is getting up there too.

i could write a book on the dreams i did pursue, and how they bit me in the rear, and left me out in the cold with zero support afterward, left literally with no idea of how to readjust to life, no one to check up on me and see how i was doing. just poof gone, like i never existed.

life for me has become so exhausting, i am out of hope, and all i know is that every time i try, i fail.

so what good are meds, therapists, coping skills and etc,

when your gas tank is empty, your engine is broken, ya got 3 flat tires, you are out in the middle of no where on the side of the road, and to boot, ya got only one leg to walk on, and someone passes by and smiles and says, DONT GIVE UP! HANG IN THERE! IM SENDING POSITIVE VIBES YOUR WAY, and they wave at ya and keep on going. To be followed by a doctor who tosses ya pills and suggestions and says good luck, to then be passed by a mechanic who says hey go get a new car.

an maybe somebody with half a brain, tosses me a bottle of water, maybe even a cold bottle of water, before saying well that is all i can do, good luck.

Now toss in organized religion, that is exactly what they do, but they also top it off with a gentle smile and a, I will pray for you, as they walk away and wish you the best.

And it isn't like i want people to do everything for me, it would just be nice to be loved and have people in my life that want to be in my life daily and can walk with me. and sadly my depression and anxiety has hindered that. an still does. or i try to reach out and meet someone and it goes no where. so i stop trying.

and i am left with one leg, being told, just keep climbing that mountain, and when ya get to the top get ready for a butt kicking contest.

And what is somewhat funny, is , my life could actually be worse than it is. I do all this complaining and i get resentful, because I know my life could be worse than it is.