it sucks not having any friends

i have been by myself since about halfway through my junior year of hs, except the occasional conversion with a cousin of mine bc she felt bad for me. but i dont even talk with her anymore. my friends before then werent close, it was just a small group of 4 or so of us who didnt fit in anywhere else, and then it was just me and another girl bc the others refused to associate with her bc she started doing drugs, and then one day she dropped out and i had no friends.

at least in high school people would still talk to me, even if it was just to copy my schoolwork. I didnt always like it and it upset me sometimes because im really bad with social interaction type stuff, as well as the fact that id occasionally get people whod do the whole asking questions but actually laughing with their friends about your answers thing. but as much as i hated it there and was annoyed out of my mind a lot od the time i think the interaction still was good for me in the long run.

but now ive graduated, and through my first year of college i didnt make any friends, and probably weirded out the people i was assigned group work with based on the interactions i had with them. I cant really talk until i know exactly what i need to be saying and even then its really hard to get thr courage when its with strangers, so people would get mad at me because when they asked to check answers i would shrug because i didnt have it or struggle for a full minute to try to start saying what i got. i guess this parts off topic but im just horrible with people but so lonely.

i guess im not really trying. I didnt join clubs and i sat quietly when i couldve struck up a conversation with the people next to me. but thats so genuinely hard for me im not even sure how to convey it with words, and id rather deal with the boredom and loneliness rhan the horrible embarassment that will stick with me for months or years.

but at the same time, i really just want somebody to talk to. i only see my family anymore, and only talking to my mom and my 10 year old brother just isnt that great for my mental health id guess. even if it was just somebody to text. im alone all the time, and bored a lot, i dont use social media either, i just feel so disconnected and sad especially when people on tv or online talk about how humans are social and how friendship is so meaningful. ill watch a tv show or read a book about a group of friends and itll make me me feel hollow in my chest even if its nothing sad because i want that so bsd, i want people to be around and hang out with and talk to. because i dont have anyone and i havent since i was 17, and even before that i never had the kind of friends you invite to sleepovers and stay up texting and know everything about. i dont know how to get that either, and at this point it might just be too late. i hope its not, but im really sick of being alone