I need help fast
Found out my wife had cervical cancer about six months ago while she was injured and out of work for a few months. She went out of town from where we live or from where I live by myself now back to our home town for her treatments. I thought everything was going fine until last week out of nowhere as she was finishing the last of her treatments she sent me a text and said she wasn't in love with me anymore and wasn't coming home. She said she had been planning on leaving me before she got injured. Going through some papers today I found out she has been hiding a lot from me mostly financial stuff for a long time, but I also found out she relapsed back to shooting up because I found needles she must have got high and forgot about. Anyway back to me, I mental illnesses that I have been fighting with my entire life. I have depression, bi polar disorder, and suicidal thoughts. I also have PTSD that I have had for nearly 15 years now. So, even just a tiny little hurt to a normal person hurts me so much worse. Even when things are going great and I should be happy i still think of ending my life daily. I don't want to be alone. I have no friends. I have no family. I have been sober for 5 years which is the longest i have been clean since I was 8 years old. So I can't go to a bar. I don't believe in a god so Im not going yo church. Im not going to any 12 step meetings, Ive made it 5 years clean by staying away from as many addicts as possible. My wife may have only left me last week but I haven't seen her in over 5 months and I haven't slept with her in nearly a year. I need to find a woman to hang out with to help keep my mind off everything.
Hi @crimsonOcean5665! I am glad that you have reached out to us.
I am terribly sorry to hear you are in such a difficult situation. There are clearly a lot of stressful things going on - the breakup on its own is hard enough, not to mention caring for yourself when you have mental illnesses. It is understandable that you feel lonely. I am proud of the past you who decided to reach out to this community. Despite suicide ideation, you are doing your best to help yourself. I know it was not easy. It is never easy.
Everything seems bleak right now. It feels like you are losing everything - your partner, your health, the status quo... There is no hopeful tomorrow... But please trust - not in me, I am only a stranger - but in yourself. Trust in your strength which allowed you to stay sober for so many years. Remember all of the past experiences, all of the struggle that forged you into the hero you are today. And I am not using this word lightly - enduring all of the pain that comes with mental illnesses is a heroic effort.
You deserve better. It is not fair what is happening to you, but you are not hopeless. The loss of your partner does not mean you are unlovable. The struggle of PTSD does not mean you will be hurting forever. The loneliness of today does not mean a lifetime of solitude. You can feel better. You still have the power to fight for yourself.
I would strongly encourage you to reach out to crisis services (for example, here). Suicide thoughts won't come away on their own (they simply don't, they just lurk and burden your already heavy mind). Please give yourself a chance to feel better and reach out to the professionals. There are lots of helpful people who can improve your situation for you - you only have to reach out to them. You do not have to accept the pain. You deserve better, lovely.
I am here fairly regularly and if you ever want to talk, I would be happy to chat with you. Let me know how are you doing today.
Sending all of my strength to you!
*hugs*
