Idk
I know I act like it doesn’t bother me, but it does and I’ve been fighting this battle on my own for far too long. Im so alone and I try and try to think of ways to make this all better for me.. but still at the end of the day there is no one and all around me I am misunderstood and unloved.
Things with my family have always been strained but even more so now, they avert their eyes when I come around and the conversations feel forced. I know that I may be the reason for this, always looking angry, never really engaging with them a lot of times anymore, but it’s because for so long they have made me feel so bad. Drained the love in me, with their bad habits, their constant judgments, unresolved situations and gaslighting. I’m just now figuring out what that means. They are the reason for me too. It hurt too much to keep giving and trying to people who could never really see or receive me.. never allowed me to feel safe, free, seen or heard. I bottled it all up inside and I guess I’ve grown angry, bitter. I have no choice but to stay here, it hurts because I have all this love to give but no one to give it to. No one who wants it. I wish to be that beautiful person I am, who loves to sing and clean around the house, playing music and lighting candles. That’s who I am. And I tried for a while but I’d clean the entire house and wake up the next day with it all messed up again. Every time. This is just one example.
At school it is no better. I have no friends and I’ve been left with a lot of scars from how I live/how I grew up that’s created a difficulty for me to express myself to other people in order to let my guard down and connect with them. I began to realize that the same issues and bad habits I developed at home, followed me out into the real world and now I’m alone out here too. No one wants to be friends with the sad girl. The lonely girl. Who is scared to open up, be vulnerable, With a resting face that tells it all. I smile and pretend but they can see through me. No one wants a project. A work in progress. How can they not, this heaviness in my chest, this hole I feel makes it so difficult to show up any other way. Knowing I have no one to ever laugh with or go to when I need to or just want to.. makes it grow and once again I am bitter because no one loves me. I’ve tried to put myself out there. But I’m broken and it’s not easy. And when I sit in the classroom, when I go anywhere this is what follows me. Thoughts of no one loving me, no one having my back if I fall it. It is hard for me to concentrate. I have always been my own soldier, getting a good job, getting into a good university all in my own. But my strong heart is growing weak. I don’t want to be strong anymore.
@lovingCup504
Umm are you me? Because i relate to almost everything you said😭
I get how tiring it is to always do everything on you own because you have no one. Constantly relying on myself because other people and my family are not willing to help. I also went through childhood trauma so it adds a layer of difficulty on its own. Me too i'm becoming bitter and also resentful towards practically everyone. I just wanna feel loved and cared for, i wanna feel important for someone. I also have a lot of love to give but didn't receive anything back. I know that you shouldn't love someone just to except love in return, because that's not how unconditional love works, but if the other person is always taking and you're the only one giving then what's the point. I distanced myself as much as i could from my toxic family and cut off ties with my toxic friends which resulted in me being completely alone. I have some great online friends but it's nowhere near enough. I would like to have genuine friends, who really care about me, but also friends who have about the same values as me in life because otherwise it wouldn't work, speaking from experience. I've always been a loner since i can remember and had some friends but t wasn't really genuine friendships. I am feeling a bit tired of trying to find my people, the people i relate to. I mean i found them online but i need someone in real life too, to give me some real life hugs😭
And the family problems i get it so much. I too was gaslighted by some members of my family but me it was more about emotional neglect. My dad couldn't comprehend that i was a human of my own and not an extension of him. He would never let me talk or express my true opinion and thoughts and he was this type of parents who thought that children were meant to be seen but not heard. Due to this parenting i turned out very insecure and with a low self esteem, afraid of telling anyone how i truly felt or what i truly thought about something. Even now when i call him from time to time, he's still the same. I do all the talking and it feels more like an interview than anything else. He doesn't have any skills to have a proper conversation and i feel drained every time after we talk even tho i do it rarely.
I don't even talk to my family apart from my family and spent this christmas and new year alone with my cat.
It feels so weird that i can relate to you so much. Only reading your text i felt so understood and less alone.
I hope it will get better for both of us and we will find real and trustworthy people who genuinely care about us.
@schrodingerscattt
hey, I’m so happy even tho it sucks lol that someone out there understands what I mean. I think we might be the same person too! lol word for word. I’m kind of at a standstill too, tired of putting myself out there, it was starting to feel like no one actually wanted those genuine connections like I did. I hate how hard something so necessary is to find and receive. I feel like we all deserve it but I’m still not sure why it’s this hard. To be able to give and receive love I feel like is something that we need and I’m sorry you don’t have that either, I’m sure you’d be a great friend.
And yeah, I hate the feeling of bitterness, I sometimes wake up and my heart is tight. Like physically heavy. I’ve been tapping into pleasure, only doing things that make me feel soft and happy. Netflix movies, soft and slow music, and sometimes even gratitude or like 3 positive things or people of the day before or week. These little things help a little with the bitterness, just so it doesn’t feel as heavy, it still hurts tho and I’m still trying to figure it out, but if you feel like it try it out and see what makes you feel soft, less heavy, less angry and bitter. I was tired of operating like that. It feels better to be soft. To laugh.
im working on letting go of my family too. I feel like they are a big part of the reason I feel like this but I currently live with them so PLEASE enjoy the solitude of your own place for me!!! 😂 I hate it here.
And my holidays sucked too, on the bright side at least you got to spend it with your cat, my cat doesn’t even like me he is so mean 😭 only nice when I feed him. He’s so greedy. lol thanks for replying!
@schrodingerscattt 😞 hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you ❤ and always will ❤ you are also a beautiful soul, please keep fighting strong, your doing soooo well. Don't give up on people. There are lots of good people. It's gonna be ok ❤
@lovingCup504 😞 it's so sad, how people can break down a innocent girl like you😢 my heart goes out to you ❤ I wish I could take away all your pain, and see you smiling, singing and happy. You are doing amazing, with university and a job, please don't let the haters win. Don't let them break your beautiful soul, cause them they won. Be the light that shines through. I know it's so hard, when there's no one standing beside you, but I strongly believe there are more good people than bad, and I hope oneday soon, you will find a person like that in your life. Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤ remember this is your safe place, you don't have to wear a fake smile here, cause we love you just the way you are ❤❤ I hope you'll be ok
