Hello, im new here. looking for some help maybe.

Hello, im new to this place. For years i been feeling like ***, lonely and lots of bad things too. i been talking with Meta AI and it told me to look for help here.

im a mess right now, i cant sleep more than 12 hours a week, i drink around 4 to 5 liters or even more of coffee but it doesnt help in any sort of way. i've reached a point where no matter how many cigarettes i smoke it wont calm me down. i feel lonely even in the presence of those who i call friends. No matter what i do i cant get distracted of what's stressing me... i feel trapped, i feel unreal, and nothing really matters anymore. i lost faith and hope that everything may change for good. I dont know why i didnt gave up, i have nothing to lose anyways. but something deep inside doesnt allows me to... it screams to me "keep on moving" even if it hurts lots to. I been trying to discover new things to see if something helps but i find the same answer and same result in everything. i been going to meets with my psychologist and he told me to go to a psychiatrist to get medicated... but two things holds me back. first of all, my medical insurance doesnt cover such things and two, i dont trust the medication since i know pretty well that it doesnt help. its like i been in a hole for as long as i can remember and no matter how many times did i try to climb out, nothing helps. the medication doesnt help you to climb out of the hole, is like it gives you decorations to decorate the hole until it becomes like home, and you forget about climbing out of it... you generate addiction to the pills because of what you see inside the hole and you get desperate when you dont take the pills because you see what you been calling "home" vanishing, right face to face to the truth, that you didnt advanced a thing ro climb out. so yeah, i been feeling like *** with these feelings and i dont want to quit yet... no matter how much sometimes it urges...