losing hope

Before the country shut down, I was trying to get my driver's license. Some friends had offered to help me, and I'd been counting on that, so I didn't get my permit right away (where I'm at it's legal for adults to take the permit test and the driving test on the same day). But my friends stopped teaching me after a few lessons, so when the shutdown happened I still didn't have my permit or my license. And there's still no word as to when my job will open back up (they keep pushing back the date and now it's "indefinately"). While the dps is supposed to open soon, it could be six months before I can get an appointment.

Both the people I've been forced to shelter with, my mother and sister, are narcissists , are manipulative, and emotionally abusive. Getting my license and having a job were the keys to escaping them, and that escape is now cut off. I'm starting to wonder if anything will ever reopen again, especially when I see memes going around saying things like, "Only one or two months...5 years later..." I don't want to just give up, but I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can hold out.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective, and I know part of this situation is my own fault, but I'm angry at my friends for just dropping their promise. When I try to stay in touch with them, it can take days to get a response, and they have only contacted me first once or twice. I'm just starting to wonder if there's anyone who really cares about me. I don't think so. If they cared about me, they wouldn't have broken their promise, especially since they both knew how bad it is between me and my mom and sister. I'm tired of being angry at everyone, but I'm also tired of feeling unimportant.

And then, just today, mom announced that she'd be unable to make my student loan payments for an indefinate amount of time, right as I was about to go buy some things I needed to fix up a used trailer I bought (with the intention of moving in). She also told me that she never made the last payment, so it would be late. So, that's a major expense I wasn't counting on this month, while I'm down to nothing but government handouts. Needless to say, I didn't get the supplies I need. I don't know if I'll ever be able to, if I'll ever have a job again. With so many people looking for work, it feels impossible. I'm beginning to wonder if I've ever had what it takes to succeed, especially in a world like this. More and more, it just feels like life and me just aren't meant to be.