KF1210 Member Profile

Are these red flags real, or am I being too hyper-vigilant?

Relationship Stress / by KF1210

January 17th, 2021

...See more A friend I've had from Middle School visited today. She took me out for a driving session. We talked, she said she could always tell my mom was controlling. Why then did she blow me off when I first mentioned I thought mom was a narcissist? And today, she told me the same thing (that my mom is a narcissist), as if that were a revelation to me, when I was the one that told her. Further, she said that mortuary school was the best choice for me. But when I first mentioned it, she thought it was stupid, and told me I would be a terrible fit for it. I mentioned it again a few months later, and she said that I'd have to take out more student loans. Now it's what I should do? What? She wants me to leave my current job (where I might have a shot for a promotion soon-ish) for a job I told her would be too stressful. Today she admitted it wouldn't be a good fit for me, after previously trying to push me into it (phlebotomy). While we were talking, she said that her mother "kicked the bucket," (her exact literal words) and she's "never been more happy." She kept on about how she thought she'd be depressed forever, and how happy she feels now. I understand that her mother was a piece of work, but it creeped me out. She said she wanted an apartment with me, but then talked about getting an apartment with several people. I don't know that I'm comfortable with that. Further, the first thing she said after seeing my doll collection, after me being excited to show them to her, was that they were a libido killer and I would have to leave most of them behind. It kind of hurt my feelings, and I definitely balked at the idea. While she is helping me right now, I don't really trust her. I don't trust her to do what's best for me, and I don't trust her to stick around; she's abandoned me before. But I feel like a bad friend for feeling this way, since she's helping me learn how to drive and offering (once again) to let me move into an apartment with her. On the other hand, she literally describes herself as a terrible person. Is this just her depression, or am I seeing genuine red flags?

losing hope

Depression Support / by KF1210

June 10th, 2020

...See more Before the country shut down, I was trying to get my driver's license. Some friends had offered to help me, and I'd been counting on that, so I didn't get my permit right away (where I'm at it's legal for adults to take the permit test and the driving test on the same day). But my friends stopped teaching me after a few lessons, so when the shutdown happened I still didn't have my permit or my license. And there's still no word as to when my job will open back up (they keep pushing back the date and now it's "indefinately"). While the dps is supposed to open soon, it could be six months before I can get an appointment. Both the people I've been forced to shelter with, my mother and sister, are narcissists , are manipulative, and emotionally abusive. Getting my license and having a job were the keys to escaping them, and that escape is now cut off. I'm starting to wonder if anything will ever reopen again, especially when I see memes going around saying things like, "Only one or two months...5 years later..." I don't want to just give up, but I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can hold out. I'm trying to keep things in perspective, and I know part of this situation is my own fault, but I'm angry at my friends for just dropping their promise. When I try to stay in touch with them, it can take days to get a response, and they have only contacted me first once or twice. I'm just starting to wonder if there's anyone who really cares about me. I don't think so. If they cared about me, they wouldn't have broken their promise, especially since they both knew how bad it is between me and my mom and sister. I'm tired of being angry at everyone, but I'm also tired of feeling unimportant. And then, just today, mom announced that she'd be unable to make my student loan payments for an indefinate amount of time, right as I was about to go buy some things I needed to fix up a used trailer I bought (with the intention of moving in). She also told me that she never made the last payment, so it would be late. So, that's a major expense I wasn't counting on this month, while I'm down to nothing but government handouts. Needless to say, I didn't get the supplies I need. I don't know if I'll ever be able to, if I'll ever have a job again. With so many people looking for work, it feels impossible. I'm beginning to wonder if I've ever had what it takes to succeed, especially in a world like this. More and more, it just feels like life and me just aren't meant to be.

Important Descisions and Depression Difficulties

Depression Support / by KF1210

May 17th, 2020

...See more I'm having a really hard time with an important descision and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm currently in a certificate program that will make me eligeable for the master's program I was planning on entering. But I'm not sure if it's still what I want. I still enjoy the subject (Egyptology), but I've been feeling unmotivated and burned out on the subject lately, and this isn't the first time I've been that way. I've also been considering teaching English overseas, but now that I have an interview, I'm losing interest in that too. Looking over the job description, it seems like a very people-dense job, and being an introvert, it just seems overwhelming. I have a wide variety of interests, any one of which could have been a career, but between long-term depression, school costs, and a narcissistic mother, I'm in my 30's with very little to show for my work career wise, and some of the paths I was interested in either are closed or would be a lot more difficult now. On top of that, I really need to move away from my narcissistic relatives, and needing to save for an oversees move would make that almost impossible since I would need to buy a car. I also need a career that would support me, both short term and long term. So now, I just feel stuck in this descision. I'm not sure which interest are genuinely mine and which ones my mother pushed me into. I know for a fact that my interest in ancient Egypt is at least partially a coping mechanism, and I don't know if it'll last past healing. I also don't know how much of this confusion is depression-induced apathy and how much is genuinely changing interests. I don't want to make such an important descision too hastily since I don't feel like I'm in a good place to make it, but I could lose even more opportunities if I put it off too long. My mood's been ok overall, but I've been so anxious and easily frusterated that I haven't been able to start anything home-based, either. I just keep going in circles and I'm not sure how to stop. Any advice?

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