hopeless
everything’s going wrong. i have a girlfriend but we’re on a break and it’s all my fault. i’ve been in a such a bad spot, i fell deep back into my depression and i’m hurting. i was lashing out on her sometimes, i wasn’t treating her right and we were both pulling away. it didn’t feel like she loved me, cared about me or that i was important to her. i feel horrible for how i treated her and i want to do so much better not for her but for me too. i lost the person i could truly talk to to and felt so safe with and i don’t know what’s going to happen. we’re just currently on a break and i told them to talk to me when they’re ready so it’s a waiting game. but im terrifed. but i don’t know if i can get better. i don’t know how to explain it. i feel so hopeless, i never want to get up and i force myself to do things. not even things that are life essentials. i force myself to do schoolwork and get up. school has always been the biggest thing to me, i’m being raised in an asian household and grades mean everything to me. im filled with so much anxiety with my relationship, school and life. i was okay in december but everything went so down hill for no reason. it just happened and i hate myself for being like this. everything was so good and now it’s all falling apart. i’m having so much ideation about… yknow. i ruined everything good in my life. i have this stockpile of pills. everythibg doesn’t feel okay, it feels hopeless. but tonight isn’t the night. im going to do my best to hold out till i see my therapist. we aren’t scheduled until next week but im pushing for closer. i just, feel so hopeless.
@blackbird1026
Hello there!!
I hear you, it sounds like everything seems to be falling out of place and going wrong. Starting with your girlfriend it seems like you aren’t feeling to great about the break and you’re blaming yourself for it, which isn’t good to hear ): I can’t imagine how much pain you must be in, falling back into depression, hurting, not doing well, then also not treating your girlfriend right. That’s a lot to deal with. It seems like you’re feeling that you lost her, that because of falling into this state it caused you to push the limits and hurt her. Being in such a vulnerable state and not having the person you trust most can be so so difficult. Sometimes it can be so hard to find the exact words to express what’s bothering us most. It seems like there really is so much on your mind, that’s all leaving you in a state of hopelessness. Being in a state of depression can make the simplest tasks really really hard to get done. It sounds like you’re trying your very best to get them done though. Grades meaning so much to you, taking into consideration you’re living in an Asian household can totally up the pressure when it comes to doing your best and getting the best grades, even when you’re in a rough position mentally. I hear you, everything you’re dealing with is so so much for one person to bare. It must seem like everything is just caving in. It sounds like you’ve been having some super heavy thoughts and your mind isn’t really in the right place right now ): Having a plan to hurt yourself when everything just isn’t going well, means you’re really really hurting inside. I really want you to get the best help you deserve, going through so much and dealing with it so strongly, I totally understand those super ugly thoughts can sometimes come up, but when they do it’s best to get the support we deserve, right? Here are some really amazing resources I think could help you some https://help.7cups.com/hc/en-us/articles/360026238093-Crisis You really sound like you’re in so much pain, and that is so not good to hear. I really hope you’re doing okay now and that’s you get the true help you deserve. “The sun always rises after a dark night” even though everything may seem dark and downhill right now, keep your head high, okay? It’ll fade, it always does. How do you feel you can pull yourself out of this slump? Do you think seeing your therapist and talking about it will help you some? When you’re in a bad situation like this again do you feel taking a look at those resources may be beneficial? It’s been a few hours, how are you feeling now? Deep slow breaths, okay? You absolutely got this! I really hope you feel better soon! The very best of luck to you. Please keep in mind we are always here for you. If you need some live support feel free to connect with a listener. ( do keep in mind that we are not trained to help during a crisis, so if you are having any suicidal thoughts, please refer to the link of resources provided) Thank you so very much for sharing tonight. We are always here for you and you aren’t alone! *sends hugs and healing sparkles* Take care of yourself, okay?
xx
Dahlia 💕
@blackbird1026, could you at least take your stockpile of pills, and package them up like 5 ways, and put them into the freezer? Could you give them to a parent? Drop them off at a pharmacy? Please tell your counselor about this.
You said you were doing better in December, so there is hope. For many people, right now is the most difficult time of year. Do you find that your depression is worse, seasonally? Ideas: take vitamin D, go outside for 10 mins per day even if it is super cold, Take a nice warm shower, use a SAD lamp, do 1 nice little thing for someone else, or for an animal. I know it can be difficult to do these things when you're super-down, but could you try even one of them?
Hang in there. It sounds like you are young, and have much life ahead of you. The years ahead are likely to be much better for you, as you get the help you need, and as you learn to manage your depression. There is hope!
