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blackbird1026
4 209 M Embraced 2
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts17 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceJuly 19, 2021
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i’m still struggling deeply with my accident
Trauma Support / by blackbird1026
Last post
 Monday
...See more i got in a very severe car crash this past wednesday, it was raining really harshly and i was taking one of those big loops to merge back onto a route. my car hydroplaned horribly, i went in one direction intially, hit the curb before i was able to go in the other direction. i lost control of the car and i hit a pole head on. it fell on top of my car. i can still vividly see the accident, as if im still stuck there. i can still feel the broken glass particles all over me, the cold air coming in from outside due to the back windshield being shattered by the pole falling on it. i’ll be at home and constantly it’ll come back to me randomly, the panic and anxiety will hit me and then i’ll be crying from i don’t even really know what, maybe fear. i can barely sleep, whenever i try my mind goes back to the crash, whenever i close my eyes it’s all i can see. the wrecked car, being alone and disoriented in the minute it took me to get myself snapped out of shock and call my dad. i can’t forget the feeling of pure unadulterated fear and panic coursing through every nerve, bone, vessel and inch of my skin. my parents have been really supportive, they don’t even care that the car is a total loss, they’re just very relieved i’m okay and only came out with a harsh seatbelt rash on my neck. the pictures of my crash are not pretty. it’s honestly a miracle that i came out almost unscathed. but i’ve always struggled talking to my parents, we have a long history of them being emotionally absent which we’ve been trying to rebuild over the past 2-3 years. i just still find it hard to talk to them in fear of being judged or invalidated. so i’ve just been feeling really alone and scared after my accident, even though my parents have been supportive, on friday i brought up what would happen when i needed to drive to class on monday night directly after work. my mom told me that im driving. and i checked the forecasted weather for monday. it’s supposed to rain. i tried saying i was scared to drive so soon, especially in the rain but they told me the sooner i get back behind the wheel the better. i just, i don’t know what to do. i’m deadly terrified to get behind a wheel again. especially not even a week after the accident. and i’m still struggling with coping. i am seeing a therapist, who i have expressed majority of these concerns to (a lot of them started after our session bc that’s when my post traumatic stress symptoms kicked in) and i do plan on talking to her about all of this when i see her again. but i would appreciate any advice, insight or just kind words, thank you <3
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breakup
Relationship Stress / by blackbird1026
Last post
 March 17th, 2022
...See more i broke up with my girlfriend. today literally March 1. we had been together since october of last year so we didn’t last too long but longer than the typical highschool couple. we were good in the beginning we talked about our issues and were open. we communicated great and talked to each other if we were mad at one other. but then january came around and i fell into a pit of depression. long story short i lashed out on her because i couldn’t deal with how i was feeling. you always tend to lash out on the people closest to you which ended up being my case. come beginning of february we take a small break consisted of 3 days. we get back together and i got help. i apologized for lashing out and we worked through it. i’m now on meds and regularly in therapy and i got better. i started being myself again. but then my girlfriend started disappearing. she started ignoring me if i ever said something she didn’t like or just ignored me for another reason. i had also previously brought up to her how she didn’t show she cared or loved me at all so it felt like she didn’t love or care for me. which i expressed to her. and her response was she pinky promised to try harder. which all she did was start saying i love you back. for the past 2 weeks she’s been basically missing. and i brought up how she’s been gone and she got mad at me for mentioning it because i made her feel bad about constantly being gone. and i apologized which everyone tells me i shouldn’t have becyase my feelings are valid becyase i missed her because she was constantly gone. she was never there. i would be lucky if i got a conversation a day. she would disappear for days at a time. and i would still text her and check up on her, good morning and good night. i tried my hardest. i would text her i care about her and that i’m here for her if she needs me. fast forward to this past week i’m getting ready to confront her about how i feel, her being gone and how it still doesn’t feel like she loves me. how it felt like she didn’t care about me or our relationship, that she gave up on us. and i told her this past friday i wanted to talk to her. and since then she’s ignored me up until today. i sent her the message i wanted to of me saying everything about how i feel and she saw it and didn’t say anything for 5 days. today she texts me saying she has something to say to me but i have to wait. but i was done waiting for her constantly so i broke up with her. she told me i ruined it and i don’t deserve the paragraph that she was going to send. i’m hurt over how much i tried in the relationship. how i put in so much effort to talk to her and be there for her and she’s just not fucking there. she did absolutely nothing while i tried my absolute best to show how much i wanted us to last and be okay. to show that she meant everything to me and she slaps me in the face with you don’t deserve what i have to say. like yes i do! i deserve to know if you did love me or not, if you did care, if you did give up. but i’m basically over her because the 5 past days she was ignoring me i was slowly realizing i deserve better. which i do. i do deserve someone who will love me and give me the attention and love i deserve. obviously she isn’t that person. but it still hurts. that i don’t get what she has to say. it would’ve brought me peace and closure most likely. i’m begging her to talk to me so we can at least leave on a good note but she’s now still ignoring me as i type this. she’s refusing to talk about the situation and it’s infuriating. all i want is to talk and then we can be done. one conversation but she won’t do anything and i’m sick of it. all i wanted was answers.
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hopeless
Depression Support / by blackbird1026
Last post
 February 7th, 2022
...See more everything’s going wrong. i have a girlfriend but we’re on a break and it’s all my fault. i’ve been in a such a bad spot, i fell deep back into my depression and i’m hurting. i was lashing out on her sometimes, i wasn’t treating her right and we were both pulling away. it didn’t feel like she loved me, cared about me or that i was important to her. i feel horrible for how i treated her and i want to do so much better not for her but for me too. i lost the person i could truly talk to to and felt so safe with and i don’t know what’s going to happen. we’re just currently on a break and i told them to talk to me when they’re ready so it’s a waiting game. but im terrifed. but i don’t know if i can get better. i don’t know how to explain it. i feel so hopeless, i never want to get up and i force myself to do things. not even things that are life essentials. i force myself to do schoolwork and get up. school has always been the biggest thing to me, i’m being raised in an asian household and grades mean everything to me. im filled with so much anxiety with my relationship, school and life. i was okay in december but everything went so down hill for no reason. it just happened and i hate myself for being like this. everything was so good and now it’s all falling apart. i’m having so much ideation about… yknow. i ruined everything good in my life. i have this stockpile of pills. everythibg doesn’t feel okay, it feels hopeless. but tonight isn’t the night. im going to do my best to hold out till i see my therapist. we aren’t scheduled until next week but im pushing for closer. i just, feel so hopeless.
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