feeling really bad (vent)
i've been feeling really bad the last few days. i feel really empty and i don't have any energy to do anything. i stopped replying to messages two days ago and today i haven't turned on my phone at all. i know people are probably worried about me but i can't face having to reply to anyone. or maybe no ones even noticed i haven't replied. i'm scared of turning on my phone and seeing that no one cares. the longer i leave the messages the worse i feel and if my friends stopped caring about me i wouldn't blame them. i'm a burden because i'm sad all the time and i can't help anyone. they would be better without me because at least then they wouldn't have to worry about me.
i can't stand the way i look. my body and face feel so ugly and wrong. i've been avoiding looking in the mirror as much as possible. i don't want to go out because i don't want anyone to look at me. i have to go to work in a few hours and the thought of it is making me feel sick with anxiety because i'll have to make eye contact and people will be looking at me.
everything i make or do is bad. i can't draw or write anything good. even this post is fragmented and probably doesn't make any sense. trying to get my thoughts together is impossible right now. i'm useless and i'm never going to get better and be successful so i don't see the point in trying. i never seem to improve when i try so maybe i'm just stupid.
I mean, I know this isn't really helpful or anything, but at least you are good enough to have a job...that should say something...
And even if certain people don't care...well then they're not worth feeling bad over...I lost all my friends due to them simply forgetting I existed or just I wasn't fun enough for them, and I mean idk you just kind of get used to it after a while...and you make other things important to you instead of their approval...
Also look into the "spotlight effect", it's very likely that people are not staring at you as much as you feel they are. You might think people are spending their time thinking about how "ugly" you might be but really it doesn't matter to them either way. They just move on with their day.
Maybe you'll find someone who actually appreciates you for who you are, but people are usually unreliable so the best way to go about it is to just be like...f it, f them.
Idk like I said I'm not very helpful.
@Phthalo
no you're very helpful, thank you for your messages!
i looked up the spotlight effect thing, it's comforting to know it's quite common.
i've had lots of experiences in the past where 'friends' have left me during hard times because i wasn't fun. it hurt a lot but it in some ways it made me stronger and more determined to stick up for myself. i still get scared of being abandoned though... i guess learning to be strong is a work in progress