depression continues to gnaw on my mind

tw // hw, swearing, wards, dysfunctional families

also general cringe warning for dramatic, flowery writing fdj;slkafjda;lk

looking at my school email and only seeing "due tomorrow" listed over and over in my inbox does a number on my mind.

i don't care, i've never cared about my schoolwork. i know that i can do really well and that i'm extremely gifted when it comes to my intelligence, but fuck all of this man.

of course i say that, and the idea of failing school is terrifying to me. i can feel the existential fear bubbling beyond my mind's attempts to numb it. maybe it's the medicine? idk lol

these past few months have been fucking awful on my mind. i'm knee deep in this shit again and i remember 1st-trimester-me touting about how i was gonna get a schedule ready for the 2nd trimester over break and get myself together for online learning!! i can do it!!

and i fucking didn't

school seemed so far away until it seemed so close. i'm sliding through my days just as i did then, and adulthood is breathing down my neck. i'm so overwhelmed and paralyzed by fear that it's so fucking hard. i had christmas break to do it but i got hospitalized.

excuses excuses excuses, it's all excuses, but i know my depression is causing this. why do i have to deal with depression on top of being in a limbo of guardianship and having to deal with a definitively unsure future, severely mentally ill parents, constant parental spats, and loads of missing assignments on top of that? plus i just got out of the ward too about two weeks ago hehe

i fucking hate online schooling, it's the worst thing that's have happened for my school career and maybe life in general aside from giving me many opportunities to introspect. of course, i'm very happy for those who are literally thriving in this environment, i can't help but envy them.

there's lead in my bones, and the fact that i have to deal with this shit all of my life on top of having to work and have a family and maintain a social life for my own good... i genuinely don't get it.

sleeping is more pleasurable.

only thing that i can think of is the possibility of applying for disability which i understand will also severely fuck my life up... but it's tempting.

ughrkjl;akjeklajr;lea

all i hope for is that school doesn't block this site from my computer too.