celaeno
@celaeno. today is bad. last night i was close. its too hard to keep fighting. i dont know how to keep going anymore.
Hi Shadow,
I've seen you in the chatroom trying to hang in there. Please keep fighting. Stay safe. Get emergency help if you need it. You are more than your pain; you can outlast it.
@Solitaryshadow, I'm so happy that you wrote to me - I was just in a middle of doing the same ❤️
You have so much to overcome every day, and I want to help you, to ease this darkness and pain, because you are lovely and strong and brave. You may not feel that way, but that's how I perceive you. I love talking to you, finding new messages from you, even if they are full of anguish and sorrow, I feel connected to you. Your struggle is breaking my heart and at the same time filling me with energy to take a better care of myself, so I can be there for you when you need me.
Wonderful, we are all strangers on the Internet, but we care for you. We are here to support to you. The fight seems impossible, but it is enough. Breathing is enough. Sleeping is enough. Lying in bed is enough. Your effort is valuable and precious, no matter how small, no matter how weak it may feel to you. You are doing as best as you can and it's enough.
Surviving is noble. And the quest of banishing demons is courageous. I am proud of every day that passed, because you are a living example of endurance. You are the reason to keep holding on. You are enough.
I hope this Monday was kind to you. All my love!
@celaeno today is really bad. i cant keep doing it. i want it to end.
@Solitaryshadow, my sweet and lovely, you are inhumanly strong and I'm proud of you. This is scary, but you survived for so long. You are in so much pain, and you just want to find a solution to stop being hurt. It's not your fault.
Would you like to tell me about your night?
How are you feeling now?
*hugging so tightly and lovingly for the hours to come*
@celaeno i hate days like this. today was really stressful. i barely slept. it feels like im just barely holding on. im getting swings. i find a reason to stay then it all disappears. slips from my hands and then i can only find reasons to die.
im trying hard. i have appt with therapist tomorrow
i miss talking with you
@Solitaryshadow, I miss talking to you too, lovely. But this form of passing letters, this is enough for the time being. Every time I see notification from you, it brings me a little smile in the corner of my mouth. And it is enough. We are enough.
May I ask are you thinking about killing yourself? Do you have a plan?
It is great to hear that you have an appointment tomorrow. You are doing as best as you can, lovely. And I know passive waiting is awful and this feeling of submission seems like a defeat, but it is a survival skill. In a few hours you will talk with your doctor and it will bring you a relief, because you are not giving in. You are still here, and there is a whole universe in it.
You noticed that you have swings, so that means your feelings are coming and going like oceans' waves. That makes it a fair chance that this despair will eventually pass. Maybe not in this hour, but it will. Like moon phases.
I often feel so stressed when talking with doctors, just mumbling short answers and often forgetting the most vital things to tell. So I make a list of all of my symptoms and reactions to meds, and also things to ask and request, adn I just read it during the appointment. That way I don't have to try to sustain an eye contact, and I feel more comfortable. Do you have a similar hack, @Solitaryshadow?
Sending you thousands of hugs with bow ties on top of them, and a mug of hot chocolate. And your favourite Bon Iver's song.
I am here for you.
*hugs*
Hi dear, trust be that you are strong enough. You may not believe in that but you really are and you matter so much. Keep staying strong and trying hun, these bad days will end, it won't last forever. You're worth it and you're not a waste of space, not at all! Things get better, I promise. You can do this, I believe you. After all the things happened, you're here! You stayed, you didn't manage to give up! That is SO amazing and I am proud of you. Please hang in there, everything will be okay. You'll be okay. God bless you, my friend. And remember that I care and love u.
@Solitaryshadow, I was thinking of you. How did your appointment go?
All my love, lovely ♥
@celaeno. I'm sorry I didn't answer yesterday. Appt didn't go good. Overslept. And thought it was at 930. It was at 9. So was extra late. I clammed up and barely talked. I feel like an idiot.
I have thoughts ending it. Seems like the only way sometimes. To make all this stop.
TW: suicide
@Solitaryshadow, it happens, wonderful. Being late can make our day more stressful, but it is not the mistake. It happens. May I ask did you receive any information regarding your meds and your suicidal thoughts?
Dearest, you want to end it all, because you are in unbearable amount of pain. You think death is the only choice to escape from this dreadful, dreadful life. It's not your fault that you feel that way. It is depression's. It brings you excruciating despair, and burning tears, and absolute hopelessness. You feel cornered and lonely - oh, so, so lonely, as if the void devour all of your relationships and ties with others. Nobody can understand this pain and you feel abandoned.
You want to be dead, in order to stop the waves of this overwhelming pain. But if you die, you won't enjoy this state of relief, because your body will cease to feel any sensations at all. You won't experience the peace. No calm, no quietness, no serene mornings and nights. As Emil Cioran said:
Therapist knows about the thoughts. She says to journal. Find music. Talk to dr about changing meds. Today Friday. Making cupcakes for coworker bday. Feel disappointed in myself about yesterday. Makes me feel like I screw everything up. I listened to music a lot last night. It helped a bit. Today I'm hoping work will distract me. It helped a bit yesterday. One of the kids came up and said I like you. So sincere and honest. The kids help me keep going. I don't want to hurt them. I think of the people who would be left behind. I don't want anyone else to hurt like I am.
@Solitaryshadow, do you book app with your doctor to talk about changing meds? It would be great if you received a better treatment as soon as possible, because it is just too exhausting and risky. You are worth so much more than this abyss.
It's alright, darling. You don't screw everything up, you just feel that way, and that's a difference. Making cupcakes is a lovely gestures - do you like to bake/cook?
Music is a wonderful distraction. Today I am constantly listening to only 2 tracks (x,x) and somehow I survived this day. It is enough.
These kids sound like bright and wonderful minds ^^ I reckon you have many more anecdotes like that. Are you an art teacher?
Have an appt in a few weeks for meds. I want things to get better. I don't like this darkness. I used to bake a lot. I liked it. Today. It's surprisingly calming. I work at a daycare center. We have about 7 kindergarteners. They are brutally honest but that's kinda what's nice about them. They say what's on their minds. Spontaneous. And yup. Got some really funny stories. I can tell you some when you get back from your trip. Listened to one song in repeat last night. Amazing grace( my chains are gone) worship music helps me a lot. Helped me sleep.
And @celaeno. Thank you for being here for me. You don't know how much it means to me.
@Solitaryshadow, it's okay. I'm glad to be able talking with you. We are both struggling, but we will make it. We won't give in. I will wait with you for these weeks to past. It will be okay.
If you have a bit of better day, use it to rest and take a proper care of yourself. You need love and kindness from yourself now. Make everything easier for yourself. More music, more drawing, more contacting with people, more pampering ^^
today wasnt as bad as yesterday. still hard. thoughts. kids i work with made me smile. headache now. want to sleep but really wired. been sitting and watching tv. trying to relax some.
@celaeno I'm going to try to do some self care tonight. Going to try to draw some maybe.
That's great, @Solitaryshadow. I feel priviliiged when you are showing us your works. Art is very personal and intertwined with our own characters, so inviting strangers to see these pieces can be scary. But you have a great, clear line, and so much bravery to outlet your despair though the paper. It is good, and fun, and responsible, and can bring some relief for the given time. And that's what recovery is all about. To just survive this minute, and this minute, and this minute, until the arrival of new dawn.
I hope you slept well, and no headache bothers you today.
*hugs*
@celaeno. Today. Less of a headache. Long day. Birthday dinner for mom. Was good. At dinner. Laughed. Smiled. This morning. Dark. Now it's night. Getting dark again. Trying my best. I keep saying trying my best. But I'm still right where I am. My best isn't enough anymore. To get me out of the darkness. Will keep trying. Don't want to let the darkness take me.Trying hard.
@Solitaryshadow, I am super glad that headaches lessen a bit, and that you spend such lovely time with your family. And to know that you laughed is a wonderful news for me. Tears and laughter can co-exist. I am so proud of you that you are trying brave and hard, and grateful for every second you can breathe a bit deeper anc calmer.
Given night is really hard for you and I'm sorry that the mountains on your path are so high and there's so many of them to overcome. But it is possible. It is possible to live with this depression.
Your best is the best form you, but your lowest is still enough . You don't have to pretend to feel fine, it's okay to just get unnoticeable through the day between the thin layers of hours. You can cope with this despair, you can make a room in your heart for this overwhelming pain and still go on. It is not exclusive. You have my support, dearest.
May I ask which time of the day is the hardest for you? Is it night hours?
Lots of love!
@Celaeno
I'll be here too. I'm sorry I hadn't gotten a chance to respond to your message. I understand how work can be so draining but you are strong to be fighting for better times even when some times are hard. Like some hours are hard. But there will be better hours. And soon there will be better days and better weeks and eventually better months and better years. I'll work on posting on my feed. I have a few pictures I drew that I'm going to post. I'll tag you in them so you can see them. Is it ok if I keep talking with you in here? In the forums? Take care. Hope to hear from you soon. <3
@Solitaryshadow, yes, lovely, that is more than okay to post in here. I'd love to keep on writing to you. Thank you for your support. Sometimes even writing this short posts are draining, but I feel they are my rope to climb up from the pit my brain wants to trow me in. But that's okay, I'm okay, because I've already been here and I know how to survive. I'm not hopeless, just exhausted. Still I won't give in. It will be okay.
I'd love to see more of your artworks. Your rope is far more beautiful than mine, and I'm glad that you are still carry it on with yourself.
Sending you lots of hugs!
@Celaeno
i hope you are doing ok. Things have been ok for me the last few days but yesterday some bad memories got triggered. Last night and yesterday was hard.
@Solitaryshadow, lovely, I'm sorry to hear about your triggers. I was a while for some time and feel bad I couldn't support you at the time. How are you doing today, wonderful? Tell me everything about your past days. And I'm super glad that you are doing ok, that's huge.
All my love,
*hugs*
@Solitaryshadow, how are you feeling? I'm thinking about you, I miss our chats. I'd love to hear from you. Sending you all of my biggest, warmest, powerful hugs!
@Celaeno
hi. thanks for the hugs. things were ok for a while. im on a new med. but i feel like im slipping again. the last week has been hard. feel like im in a fog. cant get out
how are you doing? hugs back to you
@Celaeno
i miss our chats alot too. im sorry that i havent been able to be on the last couple weeks. so much stuff going on in my head.
@Solitaryshadow
I'm glad that you wrote back! Don't worry about the radio silence - we both have a life outside this community, but what's most important is that hearing from you is heart-warming ^^
I'm sorry you feel lost in the mist. Coincidentally, I have also experienced some setback this past 2 weeks, so I can imagine how disappointed one can feel. Still, I really want you to know that your awful days doesn't cross out all of the progress you've already made. It may seem like it to you, but it is not. Your brain is taught to immerse all at once in any misery appearing in sight, so it's easy to forget about this perspective. Still it is true.
Enduring is always tricky, but it doesn't mean it's impossible. It is all an ongoing progress, but you can get through it. And one day, maybe even tomorrow, you will wake up and notice it is easier to breathe. I firmly believe in that.
I hope your new meds are working. For me, I also received new additional prescription, so now I feel like a walking pharmacy from swallowing so many tablets (ok, I exaggerate, it's not so bad ^^;). And I think my moods are manageable. It is far from prefect and I still experience sadness and misery every day, especially in the afternoon which is new, but I live. And this leap from "existence" to "living" is huge and I will take it, even with every downsides.
My doctor is also suspecting that I have BD II, which was terrifying at first, but now I get accustomed to this new label. I am still under examination, but maybe this is something which makes my treatment easier. We'll see.
Again, it's wonderful to hear from you, love. Load of hugs and love and chocolate!
It's good to hear from you. I hope your new med helps you. What's BD II?
I think I need to tell my dr that things are starting to drop again. I want to believe that it's just because of the holidays and the stress from school and work. But part of me knows it isn't.
With all the different meds I've been on I know how it feels to be a walking pharmacy. Not so fun. But sometimes I guess necessary.
Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement. You don't know how much it helps me. Thank you.
Thank you for the hugs and love and chocolate! Massive hugs back to you.
And maybe this will make you smile. Maybe not. I went and bought and chocolate turkey. And then I ate it's head...kinda weird and silly but hey Chocolate is awesome. And chocolate in the shape of things is even more awesome.
Love and hugs to you <3
@Solitaryshadow, it did make me smile! The image of the headless chocolate turkey is hard to be removed from the visual store in my brain ^^ I'm glad that you treat yourself though, you deserve it.
By BDII I meant bipolar disorder type II. And I don't know why I'm so hesitant to be open about it. It's still an uncomfortable thought at some level for me, because I'm not sure this is a right diagnosis for me. I'm pretty confused on this subject after living years with a label of depression disorder.
How was your weekend, love? I know you manage it beautifully, because you are beautiful yourself <3
Best of the best!
Hi! I'm glad to hear back from you :)
im glad the image of a headless chocolate turkey made you smile :)
im bipolar type 2 as well. It's hard trying to figure out what things are and what's going on. What diagnoses matches what we're feeling. I know from lots of experience. It sucks. If you ever want to ask me anything about it or talk about it I've gotten to where I'm comfortable talking about it. It took time though to be comfortable talking about it. Don't feel pressured or anything. But I'm here regardless of diagnosises. Cause I care about you.
Yesterday got bad toward the afternoon and evening. I hate night. I feel alone already and then when it's dark and everyone is asleep it's torture cause there's no where to go. I'm completely alone.
Habing you here helps me so much. To be able to talk to you and be understood. Do thank you for being here for me.
Today is going better. I slept well last night and I'm able to focus a lot better today. I'm swamped with homework and studying for a test. I'm really stressed. The last week I've been low and on the verge of tears a lot. Crying for no reason and every reason.
Today is going better though.
Thank you for saying I'm beautiful. Your kind words and support mean so much to me.
How are you doing? How is school? I'm proud of you for making strong decisions this week. You are so amazing and inspiring.
Lots of love and hugs (and headless chocolate turkeys ;) lol) coming your way.
Hi! I'm glad to hear back from you :)
im glad the image of a headless chocolate turkey made you smile :)
im bipolar type 2 as well. It's hard trying to figure out what things are and what's going on. What diagnoses matches what we're feeling. I know from lots of experience. It sucks. If you ever want to ask me anything about it or talk about it I've gotten to where I'm comfortable talking about it. It took time though to be comfortable talking about it. Don't feel pressured or anything. But I'm here regardless of diagnosises. Cause I care about you.
Yesterday got bad toward the afternoon and evening. I hate night. I feel alone already and then when it's dark and everyone is asleep it's torture cause there's no where to go. I'm completely alone.
Habing you here helps me so much. To be able to talk to you and be understood. Do thank you for being here for me.
@Solitaryshadow
I'm sorry for such a brisk reply, but it is near midnight in my place, and I'm really trying to be more mindful about my sleep schedule. Hope you'd understand.
Very quickly I just want you to say that your offer of friendship and support is greatly appreciated. I'd love to talk with you about bipolarity, and I will soon make another reply about it. I think I'm just a bit scared and overwhelmed with it, so talking on this subject will make things easier for me. I've already started doing some research on this subject, but, as I've previously stated, I'm not 100% on board with this diagnosis. Sadly, my next appt. is in the middle of December, so there's a lot of days for me to be get through patiently, until I can talk with my doctor.
I'm so sorry that you feel overwhelmed. School is such a stressing thing, and I can relate how hopeless it can make you feel. Still, I firmly believe that you will get through it. You've already get through some devilishly painful situations and you will get through this term, too. I believe in your strength and I'm here for you.
I want just to remind you that self-care is more than vital on such occasion. This is something which can make a big difference in your mood. When you feel you don't have a time for it, it is the biggest signal that you need to take some time off ^^; There is this wonderful post by ZaraSmiles which I recommend you to read it - it brought a wide smile on my face ^^
I'll write more tomorrow and for now wishing you lots of great self-care and bathing in my positive vibes ^^ Lots of love!
(I said "very quickly", but this is almost an epistole - sorry about that ^^;)
Hi @celaeno
im sorry I haven't gotten back to you on here till now. I'm glad that you're trying to keep to a sleep schedule. That is really important.
I did my test for my business law class I think I did ok. I studied 10 hours a day for 2 days straight. I was exhausted. I still am from everything else that's going on besides school.
This past Thursday was thanksgiving and on Wednesday my mom dad and I went to my sisters apartment and had thanksgiving dinner with her and her roommate. It was a really nice evening. Lots of smiles and laughing.
On Thursday my mom sister me and my sisters room make did a 5km race/walk called the turkey trot. It was fun. But at the end of the day I ended up walking almost 10 miles. I'm really really sore. It hurts to move. Thursday night we went to my aunts house for dinner. It was going to be just my aunt and one if my cousins but my other cousin showed up early as a surprise and it changed everything. When I saw her car I got so excited! I love her and we get along so well. She's one of my favorite cousins. I wasn't particularly looking forward to dinner on Thursday cause it was just going to be me mom dad and my aunt and cousin. Anticipating the atmosphere with just my aunt and cousin made me not really even want to go. The atmosphere would be awkward and quiet. Just not particularly enjoyable. But with my other cousin there, it changed everything.
Thank you for tagging me in the positivity challenge. I will start that very soon. My mind and body are being pulled in so many different directions and it's hard to keep up with everything.
Im glad that you have another appointment with your doctor. I'm sorry that it is so far off. I know how that is and it's really frustrating. Trying to nail down a diagnosis is hard and I've been uncertain when they've talked about a diagnosis I'm not sure about. You know your body and mind the best so try to explain or describe things the best you can. Cause they make observations from the outside and off of what you tell them. So make sure you tell them if you're unsure about something. You're doing so much and it's amazing. It's hard I know. But you have to be your own advocate.
I don't know if you journal but maybe you could keep track of things happening each day. Emotions moods energy level and stuff. Trying to figure out a new diagnosis and if it fits or not is hard I know. Maybe keeping track of things like that could help make things a little bit easier to look back on and make connections. Also showing it to your doctor could be helpful. A lot of times when I go to the doctor I don't remember how things have been the last few weeks cause it all just blurs together.
A few years ago, I used this tracking app for something that happens monthly(best way to explain it without too much TMI) and after a few months I was looking back and noticed a very clear pattern with my moods and energy level. It was kind of scary even. To make the realization that things were getting so severe each time of the month. I went to my psychiatrist and told them about the connection I made and they said I think you have this and I agreed cause I had done some research before the appointment abd found something that seemed to match. They put me on a new antidepressant to help with it. After getting switched to a different one, we got it seemingly under control. I'm not bothered by mood symptoms from that anymore.
So basically what I'm saying with all that is that it's good to keep some kind of journal or log of things that happen daily cause it's hard to see trends and connections just thinking back on our own. Especially when we are just trying to make it through each day the best we can.
I admire you for keeping positive and being an advocate for yourself with doctors and symptoms you're dealing with. I love reading your posts on your feed. Your strength and positivity are amazing and inspiring.
I've been trying to do more self care. I'm trying to get more sleep and eat everyday. It's really hard but I'm trying. I am supposed to do a babysitting job this afternoon but I'm getting sick and I have 2 projects to finish. One due Sunday online and one due Monday in class. If I do that babysitting job I won't have time for the projects and I will have to stay up late finishing them in time. So I asked my mom do do the babysitting job for me. I'm trying to make steps toward making time for what I need to do.
In the past I would have done the babysitting and then been up really late finishing homework. I decided to stand up and rearrange things so that I have time to do things I need to do and be able to take care of myself.
I slept late this morning. But I had really weird dreams. Some of them were scary. Thursday night I had weird and scary dreams too. I hope tonight I don't dream. My sleep quality has been horrible with the dreams. I'm out cold but I guess my mind is so active in those dreams that I don't really get any rest.
I think I'm going to take something to sleep tonight. Maybe I won't have dreams then.
Stay strong and hold on till your appointment.
Im going to try to start the positivity challenge in the next few days. I gotta take care of my mind and body first though. But I will start it. I promise.
I hope to hear from you soon. I love reading your messages.
Biggest hugs and lots of love heading your way my friend.
@Celaeno
thank you for nominating me for the 7 days of positivity challenge. I keep saying I'll start today but there is so much going on right now and so many things I'm having to deal with. I want to start it tomorrow. I will try my very best. I want to do it. I think it will be good for me.
Tomorrow im going to go to the store and get a cross stitch kit. It's kinda like embroidering. I don't know how to describe it. But it's something I've been wanting to learn. I'm going to take the time for myself to do something for me. Self care. I'm getting sick. Bronchitis I think. I didn't eat much today but I tried. I'm going to bed early and hoping to feel a little better in the morning.
How are you doing? Keep fighting ok?
sending you warm hugs and lots of love
@Solitaryshadow, so sorry that I didn't reply to your messages! I'm okay, just have a schedule full of work and traveling, so mainly I keep myself in the feed around here, because it takes me more time to write a forum post (due to the language barrier).
I will reply to you on Sunday or even sooner if I can. Again, terribly sorry for keeping you hanging!
I'm glad that you're caring about yourself - learning new skills and trying to eat are accomplishments that you should be proud of. You do what you can. I hope you will get well soon, because you don't need any additional nasty illness upon you.
*hugs*
Please, keep yourself safe. Lots of love and write to you soon!
@Celaeno I'm really happy to see you in the feed again. I miss talking with you and seeing your messages here and on the feed. I hope you are ok.
I'm done with school for the semester and I'm trying to work on taking care of myself. Things are going a bit better. It seems like things might be leveling out for the time being. Things are hard but I'm fighting through them.
ive been working on drawing some. But mostly I've been coloring in coloring books which is kinda nice actually. The complex designs help to occupy my mind.
I haven't been on here much lately. The chat rooms are hurting me rather than helping me. Unfortunately there are a lot of people that want to see others hurt and who seem to have no problem doing the hurting. That's been what's keeping me away.
I have been just looking through the feed. seeing people's messages and trying to keep myself believing things will be ok.
When I saw you hearted one of my posts I came on the feed and saw some posts from you. It made me smile to see that you are back.
Id really love to hear from you again. I miss getting to talk with you. You are so supportive and inspiring to me. I hope that you are doing ok.
Big hugs and lots of love coming your way.
@Celaeno
I have missed talking to you so much. Every post of yours I see on the feed brings a smile to my face. I love all your encouraging and inspirational posts. I am sorry that I haven't responded on here for a long time. Things have been up and down alot over the last few months. But I'm still fighting.
I have been working on getting better. I have bad days and I have good days. Last week I had a couple of bad days. Randomly out of the blue I started having thoughts. Not strong, just thoughts in the back of my head of dying. Only a few days last week. They're gone now. So that is good. Encouraging that maybe it was just, I don't know...just something random that hasn't stuck around.
My dr. adjusted my meds about a month ago. It seems to have helped a bit. I was having rapid cycling episodes. Never experienced anything like that before. It was scary. But things are seeming to level out. I haven't had very much energy the last few weeks. The first week with the increased meds, I had tons of energy...but I'm pretty sure that it was because the antidepressent increase pushed me to the edge of being hypomanic. When I first started that antidepressant at the lower dose, it did the same thing. The energy the first week or so, was really nice. Hadn't felt like that in a long time. But then the extra energy started going away. Its hard to do anything at the end of the day or even in the middle of the day. No energy, and alot of the time, no motivation. Its hard, feeling almost normal, and then back. Not all the way back down, but still low, not normal. Still not feeling right or feeling good.
I've been trying to take care of myself. I have been going and seeing a personal counselor at my school and she's been helping me with stuff. Things have changed so much in the last 6 months some good some bad. But since I started going to see her, things have changed. Some things are still hard, but she's helped me build and find skills to cope with it. I can see the change in me. And its amazing to know where I was then and where I am now. Things are better. But there is still a long way to go.
I'm missing my uncle so so much. Its hard not having him. He lived in virginia with my aunt and cousin. So I only saw him on holidays. But everyday I feel the loss. Everyday I miss him. It was so sudden so unexpected. I can't believe that he's gone. I worry about my aunt and cousin too. They knew each other for 45 years. Best friends. High school sweethearts. Just made for each other. My cousin too, he doesn't show his emotions to people, same as me, same as alot of people in my family. I know he is having a really hard time too and I don't know what to do to help him. I talk to him almost everyday though. Just about random stuff. But the other day we talked about my uncle. It's really hard for everyone.
I havent done any drawings in a long time. But I'm journaling. I got a little notebook and im writing and drawing a bunch of inspirational things on it. So that everytime I look at it and open it, I get reminded. I will finish it soon and I'll show it to you. I want to start drawing again. I've been doodling though. Mostly during class though. Doodle and focus or not doodle and fall asleep. Everyday, I draw a cute doodle animal and send it to my aunt. Where she works, she doesnt get good cell reception so she doesnt see any text messages until she goes outside-lunch time- so I like to draw her a cute animal and text it to her and surprise her with a cute picture everyday. She likes them which makes me happy. I like to make people smile :)
You said reading the positive things I write at the end of the day, that they help you too. I'm glad for that. I'm proud of you for staying strong. You're still fighting and seeing that helps me to keep fighting. I admire you for your strenght. Through everything you are handing you are staying strong. I miss you so much.
This turned out really long....lots of stuff happening. How are you? What is happening in your life? How is school going? I know school is hard to deal with with depression and with bipolar. I know youve been having a hard time, but I'm proud of you for sticking with it. I'm trying to do the same with my classes. Remember please that you are such an amazing person and you mean so much to me.
I'm giving you so many giant warm hugs. So many so that you feel loved and comforted. I hope to hear from you soon :) So many hugs and so much love coming to you. <3 <3
@Solitaryshadow, I'm so, so sorry that I neglected our conversations. I wanted to write to you for such a long time and I finally have a proper moment to do so. I've been on a hiatus due to self-care period and big academic responsibilities, and now is summer and I still have so much things to stress about. I don't sleep well, but no hypomania, no numb state occur. Mentally I feel not that bad - there were certainly worse times in my life - just anxious about finishing my MA thesis. I fear I won't graduate, because I put myself into procrastination loop and I cannot break out from the vicious cycle of avoiding the work and anxiety attacks. I have support, mostly from 7 Cups, but I've stopped taking care of myself, and I fear I will slide into another dark period. It's easy to loose your balance regarding mental health. I wish I could just get over with it and have some proper rest. Last twelve months I was so caught up with a fight with my own brain and work responsibilities that I long for some real holidays. But it looks like there will be no summer for me.
I sound so much like a downer ^^; Sorry for the self-pity. I think I should take your long time given advice and track my mood every day. I've done it in the past, but during the least major depressive episode I just didn't have energy, so I just give up on it, which of course I regret. Do you recommend some system for it? I've used Optimism (free) for a computer, and I was pretty content with it, but maybe there is a better way.
I miss talking to you, flower. Are you still seeing your counsellor? She sounds like a good person to talk to, but I'm not sure if you can see her during summer. Sorry to hear that support rooms stopped being helpful for you. I don't feel comfortable in there myself, so I tend to stick around there only for the guided discussion. Feed is nice to read through to recharge with positivity, but forums are still my favourite way to express myself. And there are few listeners with whom I feel comfortable to chat about my struggles. Do you think switching more to 1-on-1 chats with a listener instead of support room could work for you?
I'm happy to hear that you continue to drawing. I've been collecting all of your artworks and saving them on my laptop, so I can find them easily. They make me smile ^^ Knowing that there are others who struggle along with me, brave and strong people, is kind of reassuring for me. I'd love to hear from you again. You've overcome so much, made so much progress in these past months and I'm so proud of you, lovely. You're doing mor than fine, flower, and it's enough.
*hugs*
Sending you all my love, as always!
@Celaeno thank you. Your care for me touches my heart. I'm sorry that I've been away for so long. Thank you for not giving up on me. You are such a kind, generous, loving,caring, sweet, sincere, genuine and just flat out amazing person it's an honor to have you as a friend
I can't type much more tonight. It's already 1 am here. Have to be up in 6 hours. I will write more to you tomorrow.
All my love and hugs <3 <3 <3
@Solitaryshadow, hah, it's okay ^^' It's awesome to see you around again! I've missed you, lovely.
Looking forward to your message, but please don't feel pressured. I know that life is hectic and our resources limited. It's wonderful to hear from you again still. Best wishes and sending you lots of hugs!
@Celaeno Hi, i miss talking to you. the last few months have been difficult for me. holidays always are. thanksgiving was at my sister's apartment. with her roommate, her friend and me and my parents. christmas was better. all the family on my mom's side was there. one of my aunts and one of my cousins lives in virginia. they-by some miracle- were able to come. little miracles alligned to make it happen. My uncled passed away last february and my grandma passed away september 2014. not having them for holidays makes it so hard.
depression was getting better. not as debilitating. but still here to the point that its hard to do things. hard to get the motivation. my mom thinks im being lazy because im not working on cleaning the house. she doesn't understand what this feels like. i don't even know how to explain this feeling. Im not being lazy. im not. i know i need to do things, i want to do things but i cant get myself to do them. i know thats the depression.
ive been having alot of anxiety. especially over the last month. worrying about money and school and paying for my car. and if im going to be able to manage my classes my anxiety my depression and my job.
night before last night i was reading a book. i finally just broke down. things building up too much. i cried and cried and cried and tried writing but ended up breaking my pen because i was pressing so hard.
i was angry and upset and betrayed and abandoned and lost and so many other feelings i dont have names for. the book is part of what made it happen that night. it has heavy topics. triggering topics. didn't think they'ed be triggering to me thought. cause they arent my triggers. but what i didn't expect is that it would make me realize my devestation that i don't have anyone in my life-besides here- that unconditionally loves me and unconditionally cares about me. noone who i could tell them everything in my head and that be the only thing i talk about for an hour and cry my eyes out and would listen and care and hold me and at least try to understand. anyone ive tried to talk to about it gets tired of it. their body language and facial expressions and tone of voice tells it all. how can i trust anyone anymore.
now in my head all the people who have hurt me or betrayed me or helped then left and all the feelings and emotions and thoughts and events theyre all swirling around in my head and its making it so hard just to think about playing a stupid boardgame with a kid at work. it distracts me and consumes me. i don't know how to make them go back away. took so much energy to build up the walls to hold all of those memories away and now is all back.
anxiety over the last few days has been really high. ive had to use my anti anxiety meds
im afraid to write it all out because itll make it worse. it all brings it back to the surface and i don't know if ill be able to stop crying.
school starts in 2 weeks January 30th. 745 am class. that means up and out of the house by 6 am.
i need to read and i need to escape all this in my head but i cant. i dont have anybooks that are simple and that wont' bring up hard topics or memories.
Im so lost.
@Solitaryshadow, it's nice to hear from you again! Sorry to hear about the holidays - they are difficult for me, too, and honestly I don't if they ever going to be easier. Still, we both survive them, lovely. We are stronger and we can now focus on the days ahead of us.
You're definitely not lazy, lovely. I absolutely believe you - avolition and anhedonia are real, even if they are hard to explain to others. Maybe you can give or send your Mom articles on this subject, so she can learn more about it? And maybe you can talk about the minimal amount of chores you could do, because I think it's also important for you to keep trying and accomplish things? For example, instead of vacuuming the whole house, you can just dust off the shelves in one room? Or something similar, some bare minimal amount of task - the goal is to just do it, not to enjoy it or do everything. Would you consider it?
You sounds overwhelmed with anxious thoughts about your future. And it requires a lot of energy to keep at bay all of this stress and your worries about your own self-worth.. I know that you're doing your best, lovely. I'm proud that you continue to reach out and please know that you are absolutely worth loving. Know that even if you may not have anyone around you which fulfills your needs, doesn't meant that you will never have, that you don't deserve to have one. I also don't have anyone with whom I could talk for hours about my pain and struggles, but to be honest I I don't look for it in people. I am not sure if anyone could handle it in fact, without being trained in the first place. I know that it sounds a bit sad, but that's what I've learned from my own experience. I'm doing my best in being satisfied in having various relationships with people, and each one fulfills a different desire of mine, a different kind of affection. I don't want to put all of my expectations on only one person, because we are only humans.
Everyone has their own weight of problems and maybe some of the people you've mentioned doesn't fill comfortable talking about mental health - unfortunately the stigma around that subject is strong and we as a society are still not equipped well for that discussion in general. People around you doesn't define your worth. You are. And also I do, and I'm saying you are absolutely fabulous and magnificent and brave and lovely and one of the kind in the entire universe ❤︎
Are you still seeing the therapist? It sounds like it would be helpful to you to have someone again with whom you could discuss your worries. And maybe your newly discovered triggers? Of course, I'm always here for you, lovely, too, but sometimes it's not enough. It seems that you are struggling more and more and there is no reason to wait for the breakdown. Upcoming school must only add more stressors to your life... Additional to addressing the issue medically, escapism is sometimes life-saving, so maybe try to re-read your favourite childhood books or re-watch movies? Or draw again? Or play video games?
Everything seems really hard right now, but know I'm here for you. You're not alone, lovely. I'm thinking about you, my flower.
*hugs tightly*
