Wintertime Sadness

Since it is December 1st and the real countdown to Christmas has begun, I thought I'd make a post for anyone who does not feel in the holiday spirit. It is a hard time for many of us so I think it's important to talk about.

Everyone has this fantasy of it being a wonderful time of year. Even though this is the saddest time of the year for me, I still fantasize about what I would like Christmas to be in the future. I imagine a beautiful tree with twinkly lights and unique ornaments that shine. I imagine a warm fireplace and fuzzy socks. I imagine Christmas movies and songs. But most of all, I imagine a warm, loving family and loads of cuddles and joy. The sad thing about my idea of family is that I do not see my own family in that equation, I see a different family that I have created for myself, a group which I choose to call my family.

Reality isn't like that. Reality feels cold and lonely. And I know I'm not the only one here. I used to think there was something very wrong with me because I could see everyone around me seemingly so warm and comfortable with the holiday season whereas I wanted it to be over. The holiday season feels like a chore to me because I can't find the enjoyment in it.

I have memories of being young and dancing around my room by myself to Christmas soundtracks with tinsel wrapped all around me. We only had a tiny tree at the time so I had plenty of tinsel to play with. I didn't feel lonely because I had an imaginary friend for company. A few years later we finally bought a good sized tree and decorated it together. The years that followed after that were different. My parents didn't see the point in putting the tree up just to take it back down again so I did it all by myself. Some years I didn't put the tree up at all because it started to feel pointless. Then new year would come along and I would have to stop myself from crying when it hit midnight because the thought of the years passing so fast was too much to handle. And I was also plagued by the thought of having to survive another year.

I have no idea what this year will bring. I am no longer living at home so already there is a big change in the way the holiday season is going. I will be going home for the holidays in 14 days and have already made plans to meet up with my friends from school to catch up and celebrate together. Most of all, I'm excited to see my cat.

There are many reasons why people could feel sad this season so for all of you out there who are feeling sad and lonely, it's okay, you're not alone in this, I understand. When happiness is such a huge holiday expectation, it sets us up for feelings of sadness and inadequacy in some shape or form. Some of us may have imperfect holidays, some may be missing someone at the dinner table, some may not be celebrating at all, some may feel unloved and alone. No matter what the reason is, it's okay to feel that way. It's okay to feel like there is no reason to be celebrating.

The best thing you can do for yourself this year is to not let that consume you. Seek out support, watch a silly movie, listen to cheerful songs, whatever you need to get through it, just make sure that you do get through.

Lots of love and cuddles to all of you out there - DA :)