Will I ever feel better?

I understand.

I thought you should see those two words first before anything else. I can relate to the point that my heart physically hurt as I read your post because I know how much you're hurting.

It sounds like you have an amazing support system just from your husband and therapist alone. I know it feels hopeless at times, that we aren't worth the support and that we don't deserve it, but I remember one day when my therapist leveled with me and said, "Okay, you don't think highly of yourself. I get that. Do you trust your friends?" And when I answered yes, she smiled and said, "Then trust their judgment of you. There is a reason why they are willing to help you and walk beside you during this dark time. If you weren't worth it, they wouldn't be there. Trust them until you can trust yourself." Trust your husband and your therapist and the rest of your support system until you can trust yourself, again. You are worth it in their eyes. Trust them that they see you for who you really are. Remind yourself you're looking through depression's lenses, and those lenses are skewed and cannot be trusted. It's like a carnival mirror. What you see when you look at them does not reflect the real thing.

When things start crashing down all around you, remind yourself that time will never fail you. Soon today becomes yesterday. Present becomes the past. This too shall pass. It always does. Even our worst days only have 24 hours. Just hold on, and when you feel yourself slipping, allow your support system to hold on with you. You're going through some stormy waters right now, but it won't last forever. And you'll come out of this a strong warrior. A fighter who refused to give up.

I understand.

@reservedBunny6508 I felt every emotion whilst reading your post, and I feel deeply upset because of your pain. You are stronger than you think, you came here today to share your journey with others and that my friend takes a whole lot of courage. I can't pretend to know what you are going through right now, but I do understand difficult times and how hard they are to overcome, having to dig so deep to find the strength you never knew you had, it's there, you may not of found it yet, but you will, with the love and support from your husband and the valued advice from your therapist, you will find you way. One of the hardest lessons in life, is to let go, whether that is love, loss, guilt, anger or betrayal, change is never easy, we fight to hold on, we fight to let go. Please do not feel alone here, there is a community of people here and waiting to support your emotional needs. Allow yourself the love and respect you deserve to reach a place in your recovery. I wish you well, and if you ever want to talk, I am certainly more than happy to listen and support you, as are many other wonderful listener's here. Take care x

@reservedBunny6508

"Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light." - Madeleine L'Engle

Sometimes it's not about focusing on how you're getting better at that moment. It's about forgiveness, and being able to say "I'm not okay right now, and that's okay." Maybe giving yourself permission to be depressed will let some of this nervousness wash away.

I needed to hear this. I haven't been giving myself permission to feel at all. Maybe that would give me some where to start. Thank you.

Update: I have decided to go back to the hospital. I'm not eating and not caring for myself. I need to be in a place where I can be given some solid ground to stand on to fight for myself. I'm terrified of having to go back, but I'm more terrified if I don't. Thank you all for your support. Take care all.

I'm back from the hospital! They played around with my meds and I got lots of good group therapy. I also managed to get some food in me. I feel sooooo much better than I did a week ago. I feel like a completely different person. I'm still going to therapy twice a week and they have me on three different meds. As scary as it was, I'm so glad I went back. It was well worth it, and my therapist is proud of me and pleased with the progress I made. So, onward towards recovery!!

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I appreciate it.:)