Well...Here I Am Again

Things have been very strange for me lately.

I have had depression for about a yearnow. When I first started experiencingit, I had extremely low self esteem; I believed I wasn't worth anyone's time, that they would think I was weird or, even worse, annoying. I feltlike I wasforcing my way into people's lives and conversations, and they were, in turn, forced to tolerate me because they had to be polite. So for the majority of thatdark year, Iremained alone. Alone with my thoughts...

Since then I've done my best to get better by going out and trying new things and making friends (which definitely threw me out of my comfort zone). Up until a few days ago, I thought I was getting better. I felt much better aboutmyself and no longer had an inferiority complex and was coping with my crippling social anxiety. But...I've fallen back again. Yesterday, I came home from a good day at school, and was just about to go bowling with friends when I broke down. I crumbled and I don't even know why.

It feels like I've done everything I can! And after all that work I'm still falling back, like I'm trying to climb an endless mountain with a weight wrapped around me and with every movement forward the weight gets heavier until I finally succumb to the inevitable and unchangeable force of gravity. Like a starving force of nature, my depression won't let me be and I don't know what else to do...

I feel so alone in my own mind.Inside my head, I feel like the small pieces left of who I am arestuck inside a room there, where all the doors are lock and the walls move progressively inwards, and I scratch the walls and throw myself against them but I know I can't escape my mind; it's where I live alone and it's where I'll die alone.

The worst part is talking to my loved ones. They all want me to get better and I feel like I have to pretend to be happy otherwise they'll pity me, and that is the last thing I want, that is the thing I am afraid of. That everyone I know will suddenly realize how pathetic and weak I am and only speak to me out of pity, tolerating my existence. So I pretend to be happy when I'm not. I wear a smiling mask and operate my body like a living thing even though I already feel dead.

In the past, I have thought of suicide many times, but I never go through with it. I don't want to die, I want to give my life meaning and figure out how everyone else can be happy, why I can't let myself be happy...

I just needed it write everything down, so I can try and understand why I fell so hard back into this state of mind. I need to think less and try tocommunicate more, otherwise I'll let these thoughts wander around forever until I die unhappy and alone again...

Thank you for reading...