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itgetsbetterrae
1,046 M Little Steps 2
PathStep 23 Compassion hearts37 Forum posts23 Forum upvotes30 Current upvotes30 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2021 Member sinceJanuary 29, 2015
Recent forum posts
lost and in need of help *****Trigger Warning******
Trauma Support / by itgetsbetterrae
Last post
 April 5th, 2017
...See more So, I've never gotten help for this and I'm not even really sure what to call it, as if it needs a name. In 5th grade (I am now at the end of my freshmen year in college) i was home alone with my best friend and her older brother, who at the time was in 7th grade. He showed us these videos of naked people, I obviosuly know now that it was porn, but before I had never seen anything like it. I just sat there and watched, with my best friend and her older brother, not sure what to think. The next thing I know we leave to go upstairs and he follows. He wants us both to take our pants off and we do it. He wants me to lay on the bed and I do it. He then says hes going to put his thing in my butt that way I don't get pregnant (no, i hadnt had my period yet but i didnt know the difference). That was that. Years later I told my sister and we cried and then it was "forgotten" again. Until recently, it had never come into my mind but a couple times and everytime it did I would get disgusted with myself and push it to the back of my mind again. A few months ago I talked to a girl who had been raped twice. It opened this door for my memory and I can't seem to push it away anymore. The other night in a drunken state I told my best friend about it and had a breakdown. I have no idea how it even came up but it did. I don't understand why it is bothering me all these years later and way I can't get rid of it. Was this rape? Is there a name for it? I dont even know. It makes me feel so alone even when I reached out. I am going to talk to my therpaist once I am home from school but until then, can anyone help me?
Calling all college students (others are welcome)
Depression Support / by itgetsbetterrae
Last post
 March 27th, 2017
...See more It has now been 4 years since my depression sank in, nearly 3 since I started talking to a therapist, and almost 1 year since my last therapy session. A little background on my depression: It began after I had an uncle pass away and continued from there on out. I was at the beginning of my teenage years and it was my first year in high school, everything was a blob- a bubble around my head filled with confusion, sadness and everything that I am sure you are already aware of that comes with depression. Eventually, I had a break down trying to find my blades to cut and the truth came out when I started screaming. A couple weeks later I was in therapy; it seemed like it would be the longest jounery of my life, but, since then, it seems like it was over in a blink of an eye. I always felt pure sadness and hatred towards the world- for putting me on earth when I know its only going to end, for not giving me a perfect body like the rest of my friends, for taking someone away that I loved so dearly and the list could go on; things that most teenagers are confused about and get upset when there are no answers. After 2 years of speaking with my therpaist, a great woman, I felt good- I was not having any thoughts of suicide, I had been self harm free for over a year, and I just generally did not have the same heavy heart that I did was I was lost in my depressed state. Now... 19 years old and in my first year of college, I look back and think of how easy it was. Not to knock anyone feeling the way that I had before (because those feelings are valid), but it all seems so simple now. Before I had simply hated my life and that was it. I had no coping skills, no awareness outside of my state of mind and no idea what it was like to be anything other than sad. Now I know when I am getting to be in a depressive state and it makes everything so much more complicated. I can't just let it take over me because now I know how to cope and to talk myself down and to let myself know "this isnt you, this is the depression trying to take you captive again.". And it makes it so much harder because I have to be the bigger person and tell it "NO" instead of just letting myself fall back into the hole, because we all know it is much easier being sad than happy. Also, now throwing anxiety into the mix, half of the time I can't breathe. The other day I was in my schools library and as I began to think of all the work I still need to get done my throat forms a lump and start to have a panic attack... while I'm doing my work... trying to get shit done... doing what I am supposed to be doing! And my bodies decides nope, time to freak out. So my point here is, even though I got better, it is still so hard. I am not in the dark anymore but I still see the shadow from time to time and everytime I do I want to give in so bad and just shut down, but I don't. It's just lately, I have had to motivation- I have been skipping classes, putting off work that needs to be done, sleeping for 12 hours (which I never used to do) and I am not really sure what is happening. I feel like I am in this constant war with anxiety and depression and while I'm fighting one the other sneaks up behind my back and stabs me. I don't know how to get back to myself from my first semester; I have so much desire to do school the right way and pass all my classes and get my degree on time but then when it is actually time for me to do the work to get there I just can't. I can't get out of bed, I can't focus, I can't get A's on my exams; I feel like a failure. I want to succeed but I am lazy and I try to do work but then I procrastinate and I just feel lost because I never used to be like this and I am afraid. I am afraid and lost and I feel like I am going to lose my shit any second. Can any other college students relate? Anyone in general? Words of adivce?
recovery
Depression Support / by itgetsbetterrae
Last post
 October 9th, 2015
...See more i think it is important to step back and look at where you are. in times when you begin to feel anxious or even in times when you are feeling great. it is important to know where you stand, how you got there, and not to forget how much you have accomplished. everyday there is a thought that pops up somewhere throughout the day, "you were depressed, you are in recovery, you are doing better." and then, not everyday but sometimes, you have a day where you hear about depression or see something depressing or read something depressing and you get anxious. take a step back. breathe. in and out. in and out. look at yourself physically or mentally or both. remember how much you have accomplished. remember you are still on a journey. you are not off track, you are still stumbling along the same path. AND SMILE.
It Takes Time
Depression Support / by itgetsbetterrae
Last post
 September 6th, 2015
...See more It's been a while since I have posted a thread. Since my last post, Depression = Confusion, many things have changed. I feel lighter, happier.. more like myself (whoever that is). There is no way to explain how I have ended up here sadly. All I want is an answer, for me and for everyone else who is/has struggled with depression. I logged on not really sure of what I wanted to say; but, I guess this is it. Don't give up, even if that's the last thing you want to hear. Just don't do it. It takes time and patience and mistakes and highs and lows and all of these things that make it one huge struggle. Depression does not want you to win. But you have the POWER to say NO to it. I AM going to keep fighting and I AM going to get to the place that I want to be. If I were reading this in the dark place that I used to be I would be thinking "Just another person who is telling me not to give up. It doesn't matter what they say. I'm not them, they do not know what I am going through. Our situations are not the same." You are correct old me. Even if we didn't encounter the same battles, we are still in the same war. We are all working towards happiness, hell maybe just okayness. It won't make sense, any of it. It will just happen with time. I am still not completely there ("there" as in thoughts of depression are out of my life). I still have days where I think, "How the hell did I even get here and why? Why am I not the person I was a year ago?" But then I remember it does not matter why. Because I am here and I am breathing and all signs are there that I am living. My point here is, it doesn't matter if you don't want to listen and if you don't want to keep fighting.. do it anyway! The result will be beautiful. Please excuse this big blob of words.
Depression = Confusion
Depression Support / by itgetsbetterrae
Last post
 February 2nd, 2015
...See more I'm Rae. My life is a big bowl of confusion. I am 17 years old and have depression. I suffered alone for 2 years before last June when I had a break down and my parent found out. I have gone to therapy once a week for it. My therapist, Kelly, asked me to go on a website like this because I don't have anyone close by that understands what I am going through. I thought it was a good idea too so here I am. It is so hard to even think of what to say or where to start. Depression seems like an endless cycle to me. It pops up in some way, shape, or form and messes with my head. I think I figure it out but then it plays tricks on me. I am happy one second and its gone the next. I then feel alone, sad, suicidal, I want to self harm; but then, I somehow pull it together (or at least recently I have). As of today I am 3 weeks clean from self harming but I think of it every day. I have medication that  i haven't been taking for the last month and was first prescribed at the beginning of November. When I go to therapy I don't know what to say, it's hard to explain the emotions and thoughts going on inside my head. This results in me feeling stupid and crazy. I understand that this post is a big blob of a bunch of things but I cant seem to sort my thoughts. Can anyone relate?
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