(Un) happiness
Will I ever be happy? Does anyone in this world need me? Happiness is not my friend, so I often don't have it, I wonder - why so after all? I feel like a rag that bothers everyone, like dust disappearing with a gust of wind, they all disappeared, I was left alone, my day passes in the room next to the music beats...I don't want bad thoughts, but I think that way, my head is excruciating, my soul is sopping, I wonder why I live, where are my people, why I wake up, why I even try at all, like I'm alone on a planet - that's how I feel, never screwed up others but screwed up so many times, so I wonder if I know who I am anyway, or my life is just a lie and an illusion ... Music is my only real salvation when there is no one beside me to hear his voice, thoughts wander to the other side at least for a moment, I describe believing people as a flaw, there are very few people who stand by me sincerely, that's why my life is constantly changing colors, tears wet my face more and more often, so I wake up at night and I can't sleep...
Where are you happiness? Can you see me? Come back sometimes, don't be ashamed, I will wait for you to come into my life, stop by sometime if you pass nearby...Cover this sorrow that never leaves me, give me back hope that tomorrow will be better! This way my heart won't be beating for much longer, WHERE ARE THOSE RIGHT PEOPLE NOW WHEN I'M BREAKING DOWN?!
@FicaR94
Hey! It is so nice to see you gather the courage to write about your concerns. I wish to tell you this: YOU need yourself. Definitely. When you start taking care of yourself and fully accepting the current situation, you would see that other people become secondary. I am not saying we do not need other people. That, too, we definitely do but you need yourself the most. And as cliched as it sounds, you have the power to make yourself happy. Very happy. Think of the last time you did something nice for yourself or complimented yourself?
Happiness is very subjective. What makes you happy? If you have the answer to this, it would enable you to simplify some of your concerns.
A lot of people in this world need you but are those the ones by whom you wish to be accepted. What I mean to say is that a lot of people might be suffering from monetary issues or were orphaned at birth or may have physical disabilities or mental health issues. You have an opportunity to comfort or even help some of them just by being there for them. But is this something that you would like to consider? Ask yourself the reason for which you wish to be accepted by certain people. And then ask yourself if they are really worth your time, energy or worries.
Do not be so harsh on yourself. Why do you feel like you're bothering everyone? How did this notion become so strongly imbibed in you. Each person is different, and you being yourself should not be an issue to anyone (since you're not harming anyone). It was today itself that I did something and felt like I looked so foolish. I asked my family member (who was present there) if it seemed like it. And they had no idea what I was talking about. What I am saying is that at times, even I am harsh on myself and I have my own insecurities but I realised today that others do not necessarily perceive me the way I view myself. We are our worst critics. But know this: it is okay to be a bit vulnerable. And it is definitely very okay to be yourself. It must be difficult for you to believe this but take it bit by bit, and allow yourself to realise the same (Don't force yourself to be positive. Let good thoughts come to you. But when they do, do not shy away. Embrace them.)
Chart down all that you like to do, and take baby steps towards executing the same. Appreciate yourself when you complete even the smallest of things from this list. Also, please keep away from sad or hurting songs.
You have a lot on your mind. Make the best use of 7cups or even hobby forums to let some of that energy out. It will also be a good distraction. Incase if you are forcing yourself to not think negatively, those thoughts will get stronger. Whatever thoughts come to you, acknowledge them and gently allow them to pass. Do not run from them, do not dwell from them, and remind yourself that you're only human. It is okay to be yourself. You cannot keep on pleasing people nor is that ever going to be possible. Stop expecting yourself to be perfect - saying and doing the right things at all times. That is never possible for any human being. Be the amazing human that you are.
This is a good time to list down all that you like about yourself, all good that you see in you, and all your achievements (stepping out of the bed on a rough day also counts as an achievement.)
You mentioned that there are a few people who would stand by you. Are you grateful for them? What makes you want more to be sincerely there for you? Is there something you are afraid of? I am only asking to gain more clarity since I do not know you or your story.
Turn to a creative outlet if you may and describe happiness - your definition of it. If you are into writing, write about it, if you're into drawing, draw it, and this I believe might interest you, sing about it (since music comforts you at the moment).
I sincerely hope that you feel better. Let me know if I could help you for the same. And know this, numerous wonderful listeners of 7cups look forward to talking with you. They're just a message away.
Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future. Hope resides within you. Discover it. 