The world is a cruel place and there's no escaping it

I'm not sure whether this should belong in the anxiety forum or stay here, but the world is a cruel place to be and nothing will change my perception that easily.

Feel free not to read the entire thing if its too long. There is a lot here. And I know how frustrating these kind of posts can be.

I've been very depressed over this for a while now... it makes me feel like I don't belong in this world... and I'm becoming scared to leave the house because of it...

I don't know what it is that makes the universe react this way, but whenever I'm in the general public its very rare I'm treated like a person. Well, maybe I am treated like a person, but someone who deserves to be spat on and walked on and pushed out of the way...

Strangers treat me with disrespect. I'm not asking for people to respect me as in I demand respect, but I at least ask to be accepted in a way...

For example, I get easily pushed in front of in queues. It doesn't matter, they will happily overtake me. I've been overtaken on stairs! In school students used to roughly shove me out of their way and one case sent me falling down. Luckily I was on the last set of steps to the floor, and all I got was "WATCH IT!!!"

Nobody else in the queue would get overtaken because they will overtake me.

When I'm in public I become hyper-aware of everyone around me. I don't know why this keeps happening, but strangers always think I'm staring at them and I find myself recoiling internally. I then quickly look away because when we do make eye-contact its always a glare or a "what are you looking at!?!?!" sort of look.

I see others around me simply existing like normal, everyday people. They are free to stare in any direction they want, yet I can't, because when I do others are glaring back at me.

In school I was always told off by other kids for STARING and asked if I had a STARING problem. I remember looking out of the window, enjoying the view and a bunch of kids coming back from PE just happened to walk past. Window open "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT? STOP STARING AT ME. LOOK AT THEM, THEY'RE STARING" followed by mocking wide-eyed looks.

I think something is wrong with me. I try my best not to make others uncomfortable, and use manners if someone opens the door for me. Today I was out and about, this woman I noticed was trying to reach for something and I was in her way, so I stepped out of the way as I didn't want to make it hard to get what she needed.

What I got was an ugly glare from both her and the person next to her. Which makes sense, I was wearing heavy shoes so when I did step to the side it got the attention of her friend too.

I feel like everyone has a perceptiom of me. That I'm either being deliberately rude or that I'm a quiet person who is great at crushing at the ground. I had strangers delight in teasing me on the streets, even as young as a kid I was laughed at by a group of adults for having sh*t looking shoes.

And I remember accidentally bumping into another group of adults by accident and in their own words "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE F**KING GOING!"

Oh, and this one time I was in the pool and water went into my eyes. I blindly bumped into two teenage girls (16/17 maybe?) and was screeched at for being a "p*rvert*. I was as young as 7.

I was in a museum over the holidays and this lady saw me trying to read the sign so she smirked and stood in front of it.

In restraunts I'm ignored. Whereas my family or friends get acknowledged, I'm treated with little respect.

On buses when I thank the driver (most people do this when leaving and they get one in return) I get blanked. It's a line of people going "thanks!", bus driver saying "thanks!", and then me? "____"

Online I get accused or ridiculed by others. On one forum I had a 30+ year old lady giving me a telling off for being a lazy, horrible person who only lives with their parents because I'm trying to get money off them and can't be bothered doing anything. Same form someone accused me of manipulating my therapist (no idea what that was about... I was going on about my anxiety problems and was looking for advice online...) Had another give me advice, and then throw it back in my face after following suit and calling me lazy and saying he shouldn't have bothered giving me advice. And the reason they thought of me as horrible was because I tried to defend myself... yet they saw me as the bad person.

On 7Cups I had a few taking the p*** out of me for not going to college on a teacher review day (someone comes in, joins the class and ticks off boxes for that year) when I promised to be in. My anxiety about college is severe, somedays I freak out and find it hard to leave the house. Yet these people were saying "aww poor teacher!" and generally patronizing me.

Over the phone on mental health support lines I have been ridiculed for my behaviour. One of them started mentioning how I'm only acting this way because I want to make others lives miserable and that I'm making excuses to be unwell which is unfair on others. Basically shoving the blame on me.

I try so hard to make others not uncomfortable. I apologise for bumping in the way. I try not to look at them. I feel terrible when I do. I feel like no matter what I do... I'm treated horribly.

Last year I was on a family outing and got ill. I was going to vomit whether I liked it or not, because whatever I ate at that restrurant (can't spell, oops) didn't agree. TMI... I had a mouth full of vomit and didn't want to make others uncomfortable by throwing up in the toilet block so I opted for the disabled. Silly me, before this a woman went in with her child because I didn't feel THAT urgent yet and kindly let her go first. 10 seconds later, vomit in mouth, this person was taking a while so cautiously I tapped on the door (I don't usually disturb or rush others but I was in a panic) hoping she'd hurry up for me. No use.

By the time she came out another pushed ahead of me, and so I stopped her and apologised before running in and puking. I was embarrassed, they likely heard me, so I cleaned up afterwards so it wasn't foul for them. First thing I'm met with? DISGUSTED LOOKS FROM BOTH THE MOTHER AND HER PARTNER. I apologised, walked away and sobbed.

I'm just tired... it is making me ill... going outside makes me ill... I just want things to be different but now I see how the world truly is... and it hurts... because no matter what I will always be treated like this... always...