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Anyone with Selective Mutism?

Anxiety Support / by sparklyseaweed

August 25th, 2019

...See more I've had it since childhood. It's done nothing but sabotage my social life, or my chances of having one. Everyone has this deep-seated perception of me, that I cannot change. Because if I could change it, I wouldn't be mute in the first place. Nobody is kind enough to give me a chance. You might say, "have you thought about writing on a whiteboard?" Well here's the thing. I don't want to spend my life writing on whiteboards and a lot of kids here would find it hilarious. Honestly, they aren't going to want to befriend a person who writes on a whiteboard, just like they don't want to befriend a person who cannot speak. When I open my mouth, it's like my vocal chords have forgotten how to work properly. When I try to make some noise, all that comes out is a harsh whisper or a croaky, squeaky voice. And I know this isn't me as a person, but do the others? No. To them, this is my personality. I'm the quiet kid who "chooses" not to talk. What person would choose not to speak? What person would choose not to speak and make friends? What person would happily sabotage everyone's perception of them? What person would continue to be "shy"? Do you really think if I had a choice, I'd remain the quiet kid who doesn't speak? The worst part is, nobody understands what Selective Mutism is. That goes for professionals around here. Typically, they'll just give you medication and tell you to be on your way. They'll try sticking a bandaid on the side-affects of your issue, but they won't do anything to heal the issue itself. Teachers like to pull me aside in class and ask whether they'd like to help me overcome my "shyness". I've tried telling them it isn't shyness, but a mental illness. They don't listen, and then you get the typical "when I was your age I was shy too until I grew out of it". It doesn't just affect your ability to speak, it also causes the muscles in your body to tense up, so you start moving about the room like a robot. My legs become stiff, I find it hard to turn my head, heck I even find it hard to leave my seat most times. I could be desperate to pick up a pencil from the other side of the room, but I can't physically get out of my seat. I'm stuck there, in a corner, back turned to everyone. And they all pass it off as "shyness". It felt like a real kick in the teeth, when I was a part of this group session where we had to get to know each other. People on the table purposely ignored me, because as usual, I don't speak so they see me as worthless. It was only when they found out how old I was, they started asking me to buy them drinks from the pub. And then we had the task of writing on people's sticky notes a word to describe them, and what did I get? "Shy, shy, quiet, doesn't talk, quiet". These kids assume it's my personality, and it f*cks my head up. I want to scream. I want to be free for once, but I can't break out of it alone. And don't think I haven't tried getting a professional to listen to me, because I have, but the people around my area aren't the most helpful. Usually I'm just told to see a doctor and get my medication increased, or that I shouldn't self-diagnose and that I'm overreacting. Can't I just be assessed for this? It doesn't matter if I'm wrong, at least it makes me feel heard and understood. They say Selective Mutism can be cured, so long as you get help during childhood when it typically occurs, otherwise it bleeds through to adulthood. Guess I'm stuck like this. Anyone else in my situation? You ever managed to recieve therapy for this yourself? If so, could you please share with me some of the tips they gave you? Or just tell me about your struggles, y'know. Maybe we can relate to this whole, "aww you're just shy!" thing.

People don't understand (a pathetic vent)

Depression Support / by sparklyseaweed

April 27th, 2019

...See more My family like to treat my mental illness as a personal attack on them. My depression will always hurt them more than it ever will me, because it brings them down and stresses everyone else. When my depression flares up everone is so quick to roll their eyes, as if this is a game and I'm doing this to be annoying. Whenever my face drops, my eyes water, people look at me and say "just GRW UP. It's common for my parents to come out with "SparklySeaweed is just in a mood again!" because depression is something that hardly takes a break I can be in a low ood for extended periods of time. What you may see as me being grumpy or being immature, it's exactly the same way I felt last week and the week before. So far I have been in a dark place for the last 3 months. And sometimes it doesn't get better and you can't just snap out of it. sure, sometimes my depression isn't that obvious and I may seem to laugh or smile or have moments of happiness where I am genuinely happy, but in the background, it is so easy to fall back into my depressive state again, because even when I'm having a good time, I'm still depressed. And it hurts.but people will blame me for being this way. It's my fault. I'm 20 after all, and like other adults I should stop being so immature and snap it of it. My parents blame me for not getting better. I just wish thy can understand that I'm always depressed and it's not a surprise so they shouldn't keep reacting with shock when they notice my mouth isn't smiling and I just have no energy whatsever... It's in the background. I'm always depressedd. It doesn't stop there. They don't get why it is impossible to speak in public. I avoid eye contact. I forget how to use my vocal chords and all that comes out is a croak. I have selective mutism. I've had it since a kid. You should know this by now. You should kow me. Right now my mum keeps trying toget me to talk in pubic, and I just can't. I wish I could, but the anxiety is so overwhelming, I'm trying not to tear up over this. we are at a restruant. My face has been on the phone, because at least it is a way to hide. when I'm like this in immobilised from fear alone. I freeze up. I'm sorry that I can't respond to you. I wish I could. sorry for the multiple spelling errors. I'm on a phon. The keybord is being awful. It is hard... Even my touchscreen is being silly!

The world is a cruel place and there's no escaping it

Depression Support / by sparklyseaweed

January 13th, 2019

...See more I'm not sure whether this should belong in the anxiety forum or stay here, but the world is a cruel place to be and nothing will change my perception that easily. Feel free not to read the entire thing if its too long. There is a lot here. And I know how frustrating these kind of posts can be. I've been very depressed over this for a while now... it makes me feel like I don't belong in this world... and I'm becoming scared to leave the house because of it... I don't know what it is that makes the universe react this way, but whenever I'm in the general public its very rare I'm treated like a person. Well, maybe I am treated like a person, but someone who deserves to be spat on and walked on and pushed out of the way... Strangers treat me with disrespect. I'm not asking for people to respect me as in I demand respect, but I at least ask to be accepted in a way... For example, I get easily pushed in front of in queues. It doesn't matter, they will happily overtake me. I've been overtaken on stairs! In school students used to roughly shove me out of their way and one case sent me falling down. Luckily I was on the last set of steps to the floor, and all I got was "WATCH IT!!!" Nobody else in the queue would get overtaken because they will overtake me. When I'm in public I become hyper-aware of everyone around me. I don't know why this keeps happening, but strangers always think I'm staring at them and I find myself recoiling internally. I then quickly look away because when we do make eye-contact its always a glare or a "what are you looking at!?!?!" sort of look. I see others around me simply existing like normal, everyday people. They are free to stare in any direction they want, yet I can't, because when I do others are glaring back at me. In school I was always told off by other kids for STARING and asked if I had a STARING problem. I remember looking out of the window, enjoying the view and a bunch of kids coming back from PE just happened to walk past. Window open "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT? STOP STARING AT ME. LOOK AT THEM, THEY'RE STARING" followed by mocking wide-eyed looks. I think something is wrong with me. I try my best not to make others uncomfortable, and use manners if someone opens the door for me. Today I was out and about, this woman I noticed was trying to reach for something and I was in her way, so I stepped out of the way as I didn't want to make it hard to get what she needed. What I got was an ugly glare from both her and the person next to her. Which makes sense, I was wearing heavy shoes so when I did step to the side it got the attention of her friend too. I feel like everyone has a perceptiom of me. That I'm either being deliberately rude or that I'm a quiet person who is great at crushing at the ground. I had strangers delight in teasing me on the streets, even as young as a kid I was laughed at by a group of adults for having sh*t looking shoes. And I remember accidentally bumping into another group of adults by accident and in their own words "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE F**KING GOING!" Oh, and this one time I was in the pool and water went into my eyes. I blindly bumped into two teenage girls (16/17 maybe?) and was screeched at for being a "p*rvert*. I was as young as 7. I was in a museum over the holidays and this lady saw me trying to read the sign so she smirked and stood in front of it. In restraunts I'm ignored. Whereas my family or friends get acknowledged, I'm treated with little respect. On buses when I thank the driver (most people do this when leaving and they get one in return) I get blanked. It's a line of people going "thanks!", bus driver saying "thanks!", and then me? "____" Online I get accused or ridiculed by others. On one forum I had a 30+ year old lady giving me a telling off for being a lazy, horrible person who only lives with their parents because I'm trying to get money off them and can't be bothered doing anything. Same form someone accused me of manipulating my therapist (no idea what that was about... I was going on about my anxiety problems and was looking for advice online...) Had another give me advice, and then throw it back in my face after following suit and calling me lazy and saying he shouldn't have bothered giving me advice. And the reason they thought of me as horrible was because I tried to defend myself... yet they saw me as the bad person. On 7Cups I had a few taking the p*** out of me for not going to college on a teacher review day (someone comes in, joins the class and ticks off boxes for that year) when I promised to be in. My anxiety about college is severe, somedays I freak out and find it hard to leave the house. Yet these people were saying "aww poor teacher!" and generally patronizing me. Over the phone on mental health support lines I have been ridiculed for my behaviour. One of them started mentioning how I'm only acting this way because I want to make others lives miserable and that I'm making excuses to be unwell which is unfair on others. Basically shoving the blame on me. I try so hard to make others not uncomfortable. I apologise for bumping in the way. I try not to look at them. I feel terrible when I do. I feel like no matter what I do... I'm treated horribly. Last year I was on a family outing and got ill. I was going to vomit whether I liked it or not, because whatever I ate at that restrurant (can't spell, oops) didn't agree. TMI... I had a mouth full of vomit and didn't want to make others uncomfortable by throwing up in the toilet block so I opted for the disabled. Silly me, before this a woman went in with her child because I didn't feel THAT urgent yet and kindly let her go first. 10 seconds later, vomit in mouth, this person was taking a while so cautiously I tapped on the door (I don't usually disturb or rush others but I was in a panic) hoping she'd hurry up for me. No use. By the time she came out another pushed ahead of me, and so I stopped her and apologised before running in and puking. I was embarrassed, they likely heard me, so I cleaned up afterwards so it wasn't foul for them. First thing I'm met with? DISGUSTED LOOKS FROM BOTH THE MOTHER AND HER PARTNER. I apologised, walked away and sobbed. I'm just tired... it is making me ill... going outside makes me ill... I just want things to be different but now I see how the world truly is... and it hurts... because no matter what I will always be treated like this... always...

Why does everyone leave me.....

Depression Support / by sparklyseaweed

October 17th, 2018

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