The future exists
Ever since I started university I haven't been able to stop thinking about one thing. I keep thinking back to when I was 16 and secondary school was ending. It was the first time I really had to think about the future because I honestly didn't believe I had one, and by that I mean I thought I wouldn't be alive at that point. Finishing school was not an idea that really occurred to me.
Then sixth form began and I was doing a bunch of classes while also having people around me talking about university and future plans and what they want to do. I guess I always had interests but I never really considered any future so it was hard for me to try to make plans when it struck me so suddenly that the future exists and it's happening now.
Flash forward to now. I'm in university. I love my classes. I love what I'm learning. And it just keeps hitting me that I'm alive and doing things that I didn't think possible 3 years ago. I'm close to turning 20 which is a terrifying thought because it just sounds so grown up and I don't feel ready to accept that. I don't feel grown up, I don't feel much different, I'm still depressed, I still have doubts about the future. But somehow I managed to make it here. I have no idea how I did that.
When I was young the idea of getting older was unappealing. I didn't want to get older, I didn't want to try navigating my way through life because it looked hard. But the way I've gotten through it all can only be summed up in one quote: Just keep swimming. That's what I've been doing this whole time, trying to swim through it all because I can't let myself drown.
I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here. Just that life keeps going even if you think it'll stop I guess. I have too much reflection time.
That was a lovely read, @discreetAcres6234. And you're right, whatever life throws our way, we'll deal with them the best we know how at the moment.
You raise a good point here, I wonder how many of us feel or have felt that way entering our 20s, or finishing university? I'm a little older than you are, and turning 20 was definitely a "Wait, I'm not a teenager anymore, no one's responsible for taking care of me, I technically know how to adult with bills and laundry and groceries. Wait, what I'm done school? What skills do I actually have?" moment for me. But the fact that you've navigated through university life with all its personal and social challenges on top of school/busy work is something to hold tight to - you've been through ups and downs, and you'll keep going through them as long as you breathe! You've got this! (plus this site for if you ever need more support!)
Plus, this is what I kept thinking when I read your post - we all have these days ;)
@Jadie thank you for your response and lovely dog picture (I laughed)
I still think I'm struggling with coming to terms with the idea that no one is responsible for taking care of me anymore, it's all up to me. And I'm managing pretty well but it still gets scary at times to think about how this is what adult life is like, just taking care of yourself with no one else around to take care of you.
I feel like going through education is like going through steps to the future. And once that's all done I have no idea what happens, there is no structure or guarantee of anything, there is no next step after university, it's all up to me to create that step. For someone who didn't think they'd make it to age 16 I definitely exceeded the life span I thought I had (very dark thoughts for a kid, I know)
Adulting is a challenge
@discreetAcres6234
Congrats for making it so far, I am glad that you have! It really is a sign of resilience, and posting about your worries here is vulnerability, and both of these together make me believe that you'll be okay, even when hard times come back around again, or new challenges come up.
@Jadie I kept these feelings to myself all my life and I'm just not capable of keeping it to myself anymore. Opening up helps me.
My counsellor called me resilient all the time, thank you for saying so :)
@discreetAcres6234 Here's another one for ya! I love it :)
@Jadie haha that's really cute :)