Storm
My mind is a storm of the voice screaming awful things to me, about me and there is a storm outside. It's a perfect match isn't it.
Standing outside the storm made me feel more alive than I have ever done. Having nothing to make the screaming stop, the storm made me feel better. The wind blowing hard through my hair, hitting me in the face makes me feel better because that is one of the few moment the voice seems to calm down. I could almost scream in the wind without anyone hearing me but I'm afraid that I will wake someone in the family up. Not good at all, I'll be yelled at for screaming.
I am so proud of myself anyway; while so many have the tendency to make a cut in their skin and making scars on their skin, I have never done that. I am already so full of scars and not all scars can be seen but they are there, I know that they are there.
But they are slowly starting to bleed again. Why? Well I have told someone some of my darkest secrets and I was so scared, I am so scared, that he will leave me because of what I have said. But so far he hasn't. The things he said was that he was proud of me. PROUD! I made someone proud and to be honest it feels amazing. He also said something that really took me by surprise. He told me that next week he has a day of so he will come home to me and spend time with me, have a sleepover just to make me feel better. He is doing so much for me, he is the best friend I have ever met. He is one of a kind. Had I told anyone else about my problems they would have told me to get over it and that it's just a fas, it will get better get over it.
But it has only gotten worse. This week has been hell for me. The voice has been screaming louder and louder for each day about how worthless and stupid I am, how no one will ever love me and so on.
There really is a storm inside my head and I hate it, but I must live with it for a while longer until I finaly find the source to it all and can cure myself free from it all.
it sounds like you have someone wonderful with you and the storm will pass there is always some sun ready to come out when you are ready for it :)
Storms don't last forever... A real outside storm can palliate it a little, as you have witnessed. It's as like looking who can shout louder: your storm or the nature's. But not only the loudest shout can win. What wins over chaos, is stability and harmony... I believe you will find yours. The friend that you told us about seems like an amazing person. So there must be some light in your storm as well, right? Don't lose heart and believe in yourself - calmer waves will make their way towards you and the sun will shine again, you'll see :)
@Jowzzey, that is an amazing piece of writing. You have experienced so much in your life, your past is full of scars and bruises, your head full of screams. And yet, your arms are strong from the constant holding on, your eyes focused on finding missing pieces, your tongue is trying various words, seeking the ones who can sing about hope and endurance, your heart full of love, like an ocean waves embracing the shore in the darkest of nights.
You are such a strong person. I'm glad that you find a kind mind who can see it, who can tell you how proud he is of your achievements. You are a warrior. You will be victorious, because you already have win the battles.
Thank you for sharing with us a fragment from your life. I feel honoured. I wish you all the best, wonderful.
Lots of love!
@Celaeno, thank you very much. I try to hold on as good as I can and to find all the pieces, but sometimes it's a tough challenge. I, as everyone else here, is just doing my best to defeat my demons.
I try to be strong for everyone and for myself, to not let the demons win and I am also glad that I have found someone who I can make proud, it took me a long time to do but I finally found one.
No, thank you for reading, leaving a comment and putting a big smile on my face. I must say it's a nice feeling.
Lots of love to you too!