Sometimes I like to write letters to people in my life.

Hi Mom

I love you but I hate you too.

I love you and I hate you. I hate you because I didnt think you loved me. I hated you because I feel like you had hurt me. I hated you because you hit me, because you told me I was fat, because you told me you wished I had never been born and that I me ruined your life. I hated you because I blamed you for this crushing pain. But its not your fault. Its mine.

I liked to blame my pain on you as it made it easier to deal with that fact that my pain is non others fault than my own. You were right all those times you shouted the words You a spoiled ungrateful brat or gave me a good smack because I had stolen from you. I allowed what I perceived as cruelty to turn me bitter and unkind. I allowed myself to hate you.

I have lied to you my entire life. I know not when it started, most probably because I was greedy and wanted food or maybe because I was scared of you. I learned that if I lied there was no pain or nor shouting and no hatred. I would also lie to try to make you smile. I would tell fictional stories of my day in a hope you might find me interesting enough to love me. I will never forget the day on the landing in a fit of rage you told me you wished I had never been born and that I ruined your life after you discovered one of those lies I wore as armour to keep me safe. By this point I new I had a problem because I lied to everyone. I lied to people at school so they would think I was cool and interesting. I lied to teachers and friends so they would think I was fun and happy when secretly I was falling apart.

I am the source of my pain I allowed myself to grow into this person who will lie to everyone and anyone just so no one really knows me. So no one can hurt me. I manipulate people by telling them about what I do to myself just because im desperate for their presence. I tell them off what the pain is screaming in my. I tell them I cut, I eat, I vomit, and I tell them of the nights that my brain asks me to die.

I have no excuse. Other than Im sorry. Im sorry I lied to you to make myself feel safer. Im sorry I continued to lie out of fear you will hate me again. Im sorry I blame this on you sometimes for that pain in my head that I wish away every second of the day. This pain that hurts so much I chase it away with food self-harm and dreams of death. This pain is my shame.

I am ashamed of what I let myself become I apologies.

Just please love me ,

is it too much to ask.