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Hope2come
99,339 M Moving Swiftly
PathStep 167 Compassion hearts5,308 Forum posts39 Forum upvotes27 Current upvotes27 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 15, 2016
Recent forum posts
I ate a kiwi
Eating Disorder Support / by Hope2come
Last post
 December 14th, 2019
...See more All I had was a kiwi and I'm crying over it. It's only (REDACTED FOR MENTIONING CALORIE AMOUNTS) cal and I have an unimaginably strong urge to vomit I'm panicky and a complete mess. i feel so stupid and out of control. My support has stopped for Christmas period it's only the 7th and I'm already sinking back into panicking that I ate a freaking kiwi. 😭😭😭 Edited by @piercetheaiden
Sometimes I like to write letters to people in my life.
Depression Support / by Hope2come
Last post
 April 5th, 2020
...See more Hi Mom I love you but I hate you too. I love you and I hate you. I hate you because I didnt think you loved me. I hated you because I feel like you had hurt me. I hated you because you hit me, because you told me I was fat, because you told me you wished I had never been born and that I me ruined your life. I hated you because I blamed you for this crushing pain. But its not your fault. Its mine. I liked to blame my pain on you as it made it easier to deal with that fact that my pain is non others fault than my own. You were right all those times you shouted the words You a spoiled ungrateful brat or gave me a good smack because I had stolen from you. I allowed what I perceived as cruelty to turn me bitter and unkind. I allowed myself to hate you. I have lied to you my entire life. I know not when it started, most probably because I was greedy and wanted food or maybe because I was scared of you. I learned that if I lied there was no pain or nor shouting and no hatred. I would also lie to try to make you smile. I would tell fictional stories of my day in a hope you might find me interesting enough to love me. I will never forget the day on the landing in a fit of rage you told me you wished I had never been born and that I ruined your life after you discovered one of those lies I wore as armour to keep me safe. By this point I new I had a problem because I lied to everyone. I lied to people at school so they would think I was cool and interesting. I lied to teachers and friends so they would think I was fun and happy when secretly I was falling apart. I am the source of my pain I allowed myself to grow into this person who will lie to everyone and anyone just so no one really knows me. So no one can hurt me. I manipulate people by telling them about what I do to myself just because im desperate for their presence. I tell them off what the pain is screaming in my. I tell them I cut, I eat, I vomit, and I tell them of the nights that my brain asks me to die. I have no excuse. Other than Im sorry. Im sorry I lied to you to make myself feel safer. Im sorry I continued to lie out of fear you will hate me again. Im sorry I blame this on you sometimes for that pain in my head that I wish away every second of the day. This pain that hurts so much I chase it away with food self-harm and dreams of death. This pain is my shame. I am ashamed of what I let myself become I apologies. Just please love me , is it too much to ask.
What is it doing to me
Eating Disorder Support / by Hope2come
Last post
 November 21st, 2018
...See more Okay, i hear everyone say what it does to you all the time but I feel like these side effects only effect you if your getting skinny or enough food. I only purg once a day and not 2 acid just till Ive had enough. Id kinda like to know if it will still hurt me even if I am maintaining the healthy normal weight.
I don't know what to do
Eating Disorder Support / by Hope2come
Last post
 November 27th, 2018
...See more I just want to tell someone real. someone who cares about me whome i know in real life. i want them to tell me its all going to be okay and that they can fix me. I want to talk to someone and tell them that everytime i eat i feel like a failure. That every bite is so filled with so much shame and discust with myself. All i can think about is how discusting i am and even after ive thrown it up i just feel ashamed that i left myself eat it. that i havent been abel to get it all out that its still in me. I want them to know that sometimes I bindge to stop myself cutting to end the pain that i dont understand. I want someone to help me carry the pain thats how selfish i am. i just want it to all stop. i want my life back.
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