Self-Love

Ever since I was a young boy, I had this deep yearning to feel loved. I mean I had a loving family, but my parents were so busy fighting with one another that they basically just forgot about me a lot. To cope with this I played so much Counter Strike, it was really all I felt I had. But after playing games like that you lose your social touch a bit. After leaving middle school I had gone to a school away from where I was originally from and I did not understand how relationships worked. I was an a-hole to people. I thought being mean to people was how you made banter but it just made me look bad.

At the end of my freshman year of hs i realized that i really had no one that wanted to spend time with me. So I just played more video games to keep my mind from losing it. I felt so alone, i mean i cant even describe how alone I felt. My parents fighting was reaching a boiling point, I had no one to talk to, and all I did was just isolate myself.

Just as I had started to make friends my sophomore year, I got kicked out of school my junior year. I was back to nothing, the two-three friends I had were ripped from my hands. I was demoralized, I went into some major suic episodes, i felt so broken. I hadnt made any friends at my new school to be honest. I felt like a ghost walking around all day(still do quite often). I didnt know what to do with myself and quite frankly i have no idea how i am still writing this for you to this day. But somehow I managed to pull through.

So how does this all tie into love? Well, my ex and I had just broken up a couple weeks ago, I was crushed at first. All that progress gone. It feels like all the progress in my life always just vanishes, but then this made me think. Somehow I keep progressing in my life despite these constant setbacks. Somehow I am still here, and that has to be for a reason.

Then it all dawned upon me, I control my whole life, I am my own writer, author, artist, sculpture, etc. I am what I am. And that made me realize I need to love me for me. All these years of anguish and hating myself were to show me that I have to be me because I cant change who I am.

Its still hard getting used to it, Ive been starting to pray to god more recently…hopefully that continues. Life is a journey, you create your own path, you choose where you go, you make your own adventure, you are you and there is nothing you can change about it but embrace it. Love yourself, as thats all you may have one day.

-slixy <3