Parenting

You want to give them your best but at the same time you just need a break and some alone time. Its hard to take care of your self and your relationships when you feel like all you have the energy for is the basic care your kids needs

@emichelle

As a parent and having had a partner who suffered post-natal depression, I certainly can relate to what you are saying. It's not like a job where you can take a sick day to get your head straight, you know? It's incredibly hard, even more so when you're feeling below your best.

From the words that you're using, it is clear that you love your kids dearly but the way you're feeling just makes it so hard for you. Be easy on yourself here. You're doing the best that you can do in the circumstances that you are faced with.

If you'd like someone to listen then I'd be more than happy to listen to you. Roadie

i do feel the same i love my kids but i cant take it and my husband doenst help looks fon any excuse to no take care of his daughther and i dell really like just givong up i dont know what to do anymore

I get how this feels. My daughter turns one this month and her father has two kids from a previous relationship, we are doing great together but on some days I just can't keep up everything for the step kids, they don't deserve someone who will resent them and I dread the day when I snap and say something I don't mean. I love all my kids so much and it's been getting harder to keep everything up :(

@Mommaviper113

Isn't the first few months of a new baby so busy? It's something that you can tell parents to be but you just can't understand it until you live through it. My partner, for example, was stuck in the endless cycle at 1 month of age and had no time aside to help with other kids (if we had them).

My point is that you have a 1 month old and they need a lot more care and attention than your step kids. Have you talked to your partner about your concerns? It would surprise me if he expected any more than the amazing work you are doing at the moment :)

What makes it even more challenging for me is that my daughter has some special needs, and when I am at my lowest it is very hard to be the best parent I can be for her... She takes a lot out of me, and at the end of the day, sometimes there is nothing left, even on my "best" days....

Hi @Chiana

One of the frustrations for me as a parent are societal expectations upon parents to be the perfect parent and to give 100% of ourselves 100% of the time. In fact, that is often observed by people who either have no children of their own or see you at that one moment when something goes awry.

The reality of the situation in your case is that you are doing an amazing job. Be kind to yourself there. You're an amazing parent who should look in the mirror and pat herself on the back for filling the two basic roles of a parent: love and support (in all of its guises)

thank you so much for your kind words, I tend to take everything so personally, I take everything to heart. I am my biggest critic, my worst enemy. I find it very hard to look in the mirror and pat myself on the back. and I have no one else around me to either. Being a single parent to a special needs child with my own demonsto battle is highly challenging! Even though my daughter is adopted I see so much of myself in her, but that is for another post. Again thank you Roadie :)

@Chiana

Wow! You're a single parent raising a special needs child??? My goodness! You're amazing! You really are an amazing parent! :)

And I love what you say about seeing so much of yourself in her. Some of what we see in our children is nature and some of it is nurture. It's an amazing thing seeing yourself reflected back, no matter what it is :)

Thank you! Again such kindness... Thank you! Next time we are having a meltdown I'm gonna need more kind words! LOL

You can always send me a message, @Chiana :)

How and Why Should We Teach our Children Self-Regulation?

Joey has no control over his emotions at times. He gets frustrated easily and has anxiety at times. When he feels this way, he loses self-control. He hides under the table, he tries to run away, he may even hurt a sibling or his parent. Emma has controlmost of the time, however, when she gets frustrated, she refuses to listen, throws things, destroys her room, shuts down, and just gives up. These are two examples of children (not real names)not yet having the skill of self-regulation. Sometimes when under stress, our brains go into fight or flight mode. Children can begin acting out and cannot control themselves. This canhappens to adults as well when under stress. You may have a child likeJoey or Emma or you may react to stress this way sometimes as well.

Sometimes we forget thatalong with academics, children need to learn how to deal with their emotions and what to do with these emotions. If children cannot handle their emotions, they cannot or will not learn, and they may also disrupt others from learning. How can we help kids learn to self-regulate their emotions and behaviors?What can we do as parents to help our children?

Research tells us that early intervention targeting self-regulation has long term effects on children's social, emotional, and academic success. We must spend the time teaching our children these life skills in order for them to be happy and successful in school and in life. So, whatcan we do?Be aware that things will vary according to the age and developmental level of your child.

12 Quick Tips to Help Your Child Learn Self-Control:

Pick a strategy you like and try it today!

1. CONNECTIONS- Make an authentic connection with each child every morning. Have siblings greet and connect with each other. Check in with them to see how there are doing every day. Make your home a place where children praise each other for making accomplishments and by modeling the language of encouragement. They will learn very quickly and begin doing it on their own. It can be amazing to see them encourage one another.

2. EXPECTATIONS- Give clear and simple directions. Then, have your child clarify or restate the directions. Set clear expectations and be consistent.

3. SENSORY- Use multi-sensory toys or activities, if possible, even Velcro is great or squeeze balls. Prevent situations before they occur by having a calm home with a routine. Prepare your child for loud sounds if they have sensory issues. Allow them quiet time daily and always make time for play and outside time every day if possible.

4. HELPING-Teach calming techniques such as deep breaths, using a squish ball, ballooning, positive self-talk, calming chants,and other interventions to help them calm down. Try to teach these calming skills at a time when they are happy and not out of control.

5.FEELINGS-Display pictures of feelings faces (you can print these forfree from the internet)so that your child will begin to become aware of theiremotions. Have them choose a feeling picturewhen they are feeling upset. They could also draw a picture or act out a situation. They are learning to become self-aware of their feelings which is a life skill.

6. REFLECTION- Once your child has identified their feelings, reflect them back to them to get to the heart of the matter, for example, "Joey, I can see that you are feeling angry." If they are not yet self-aware of their feelings, mirror their behaviors back to them, for example, "Emma, your actions are showing me that you are feeling frustrated." This allows the child to understand how to become more self-aware and it also opens up the conversation for them to talk to you about what is really going on in their hearts. We want our children to be able to unpack their own feelings. Reflecting is a good way to do this and it validates the child?s emotions. We all need validation.

7. QUIET TIME -Once your child has identified their feelings, allow them to have some time to deal with their emotions in a safe, private area in your home with possibly feeling cards and faces,paper, crayons, books,and squishy balls.While they are there,they may identify their feelings, then they can take some time to calm down. They may also draw, write about their feelings, or use a squishy ball. Limit adult and child interactions during this time. Allow your child to come out with dignity when they are ready.

8. DEBRIEFING-Later, when your child is calm, speak with them privately. Ask them what they were feeling and what made them feel that way. Sometimes, itmaybe because of their choices that caused them to spiral out of control but the time to talk about is not when they may be out of control.

9. CHOICES-If they are still out of control give your childtwo choices, then say, I can see by your actions that you choose.... they usuallymake a choice quickly after they are calm. Always be an active listener and believe what they tell you. Get down on their level when speaking with them. At a later time, ask your child what choices they are making when they are stressed. You may need to teach them about what stress is and how it affects our brains and bodies. Ask them if their choices are hurting or helping them. Ask what they can do differently the next time they feel out of control.

10. CHANGE- Ask yourchildto help you make a plan for when they feel out of control. Make this plan very specific and measurable so they will know exactly what to do whenthey begin to lose control. It can be words or even pictures Give specific, positivefeedback for making good choices. Use a visualso that they can see themselvesmaking progress.

11. RESPECT-Always treat them your child with respect no matter how they are behaving or reacting. When they calm down, ask them what they did to calm down and how it helped them. Let them know it is normal to have a lot of feelings and that they will learn to express and control their feelings. Have a heart for your child their social and emotional well-being. Tell them you care for them and you are always there for them, no matter what. They will trust you and begin to share their emotions with you appropriately.

12. ME TIME- Take care of your own mental and physical health. Spend some time aloneor doing something you enjoy.Do something nice for yourself. Use positive self-talk. Make yourself a priority. Everyone in the family will benefit.

By helpingchildren with their social and emotional needs, their academics, self-concept, and behaviorcan improve dramatically. Let them know they can trust you and can talk with you about their feelings instead of losing control. They will learn itis a better choice and everyone at home will have a more positive experience, including you. You will find that the time you took to teach self-regulation will have a positive outcome on your child?s behavior and also your home environment.

Your home can be a fun, challenging, safe, and calm environment!

by dreamAngel69

For me, this is the worst thing in the world: 6 months ago I was a happy, confident father to my 5 year old.

Depression set in after some sudden life changes and now - even when I have the energy - spending time with my daughteris painful because I can't help but think about how it used to be different.

Meanwhile she gets older everyday, and the regrets pile up. This has been going on for 10% of her short life now.

@RessurectMe

Depression is a nasty thing, isn't it? It can rob you of the enjoyment of those special times.

I struggle to keep myself out of depression from time to time and in those times it certainly is difficult to focus on the children. A couple of things that you may wish to look into that help me are mindfulness (being there in the moment) and a tip that was given to me when coursing depression was to keep my mind on the little things. To appreciate the little things, which may be your child's smile, their laugh, finding something that gives you a bit of a boost that includes your child.

It's important to appreciate the little things. Something that may be helpful for you at this time?

I am a new mom and I am having a lot of trouble its hard taking care of a baby by yourself granted I am married but my husband thinks it all my job to care for him. It's hard to only have a 8 month old baby to talk to during the day.

Taking some time alone is fine, and every parent needs that from time to time. I like spending time with my baby, but sometimes, I feel too exhausted, and I believe that many parents can understand me. I have the best lightweight travel stroller to go walking with my kid, and we do that pretty often, but I'm glad that I have my partner whom I can rely on when I need a break.

I think most of us parents have felt that way at times or during certain stages. I take an afternoon "nap" but usually I don't sleep. I just need some time to myself so I'm re-energized to hang out with my daughter. I'm a single parent of an autistic child. She'll be 9 in a few days. She's challenging on a regular basis and I've looked forward to bedtime quite a bit. Having depression myself I understand how hard it can be to take care of another person, let alone yourself. Hang in there. Someday the kids will be grown, but in the meantime can you find some time in the day to have a quiet moment to yourself?

@Emichelle Parenting is the most difficult job there is and you obviously want to do your best for your cherished children. You obviously love them very much. It sounds like your tank might be on empty right now, which happens when your energy becomes depleted. Lack of sleep and rest are major contributing factors to stress, depression and chronic illness. Take care of yourself, be easy on yourself, and as you may have heard before, put your own mask on before you help others.

@Emichelle You are doing the best that you can. We aren't perfect parents, and we could not be no matter how we might try. Have you enjoyed any activities with your children in the past? Do you think that a brief daily connection would be possible for you? Give yourself grace. These hard days will pass in time. Children are resilient. And if they are aware of your struggle, they might gain strength in observing your recovery process. Best of luck to you. Hoping that you are able to make some progress. And remember, this is not your fault.

@Emichelle

Hey there @Emichelle ! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this. Depression can be so rough and being a parent can sometime make that even harder. I'm a mother to two beautiful children and I understand this difficulty. ❤️ you are not alone.