Need to get this off my chest

i havent been diagnosed with depression. But I think I might have it. I certainly have a lot of the symptoms.

Heh. Im seen as the overachiever, the organized one, the active, good time-manager. Im the one in many different school clubs. Im the assertive person you can always count on to get good grades. People think Im talented and I suppose they think I have a very bright future ahead of me.

Little do they know how much I hate myself inside. Im sick of feeling lonely and tired all the time. Im fat, I know I am. Just because my BMI, according to many different websites, is good, Im still self conscious about myself. Yes, I know, BMI is not very accurate… but still.

My arms and legs are very flabby, as well as my face being very round, and my stomach being large. I hate myself for eating food. I hate myself for wanting to eat those pretzels when I know the calories will not help me.

By all rights, I should be burning a lot of energy. I have swim practice almost every day. Though of course I suck at that too. Im not mentally strong enough for it. I always seem to give up, never try quite hard enough. I want to get faster, I want to improve. But I can never work as hard as I seem to need to. I have an amazing coach, but I feel like a constant disappointment to him.

I procrastinate way too much. I want to get assignments done quickly and do my projects when I first get them, but Im always so unmotivated to do my work. This is a problem. Yeah, in eighth grade Ive survived this far. But I have the sinking feeling that high school is going to be a whole lot different.

My room is an absolute mess, and I cant seem to find the time or the energy to fix it. Theres stuff all over the floor. I want to fix it, I want to take better care of my stuff, but for some reason it just doesnt happen.

Im an idiot. I feel so stupid whenever I talk to my friends, never knowing what to say, trying to guess how theyll react so I can base MY reaction off of that, only to guess completely wrong.

Im an attention seeker. I must be. So many people are going through much worse than I am, and yet I have the guts to complain about my life? I deserve this constant guilt I live with. I should learn to just take the pain. Im weak and I know it.

I feel completely out of control of myself and my actions. Slogging through life, day by day by day. I have hopes and dreams, sure. But Im not feeling happy now. I dont even know what Im saying anymore.

There is so much for me to worry about. My grades, my appearance, my actions, my words, my performance, my future. Im only 14 yet Im already terrified that I wont have enough money for college and beyond. Im panicking, knowing that I wont have enough and I should have been really saving money in previous years. Yeah, Ive never been a big spender. But I didnt do any jobs for money or put a particular amount of money towards college. Im so scared. Ive jeprodized my entire future.

I dont deserve anything. Sometimes I dont even feel this way. Why should I receive help for something thats my fault and Im not living with 100% of the time? Why do I want to just lie on the floor and be truly damaged like others? Probably because it seems easier. But Im a terrible person for thinking that.

I cant escape myself, the thoughts I have. I have done truly horrible things, things that fill me with a terrible guilt every day. I want to say I am broken, but thats stupid. Im pathetic, a poor excuse of a person. I dont matter. This is a low point for me, Ill probably feel much different in the morning. Im not like this all the time, so who cares? Why does it matter how I feel now?

Why do I feel so apathetic and pathetic? Why do I feel a physical emptiness? What have I ever done to deserve help? I dont need it. Im just weak.

I hate who I am and its starting to look like Ill never change who I am.