My vicious cycle
I thought I could get off my medication when it was going well and ( surprise surprise ) I took a major hit. I quickly fell back into my patterns of snapping at others, getting very angry very quickly, seeing the worst at all times and having no motivation or happiness or want to do anything. My Hubby didn't understand how I could go from so happy and great to so terrible from something as small as the absence of a little pill in my life ( he comes from a family that does NOT understand mental health issues AT ALL). This only hurt the problem of course and made me feel worse for needing to have that pill to enjoy life when "we have a great life" and I don't know...I feel really bad right now and I hate that I have to have medication. I hate my children have to see their mother take medicine to be happy and enjoy life and I hate that I'm this person right now. I'm normally such a strong person, like....confidence of ten thousand suns type of person but lately I've taken so many hits and I feel like I'm so low and I'm struggling with so much. I feel so guilty for having to take those pills now, like I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother which I know is ridiculous...I'm an educated person..I know depression is a medical thing...I know it's a chemical imbalance and this isn't me and I can fight this but I've been fighting it for so long and I really thought that maybe I had beat it and now I'm wondering if I'll ever beat it and maybe its not depression and what if it's something worse? My family has a history of Bipolar and I've been terrified to find out that what if I too have that? And if I do....what will my husband think then? If he doesn't understand Depression and Anxiety how in the world could I ever expect him to understand Bipolar??
I don't honestly know why I'm typing this...I just..I don't know...I feel like someone out there might be able to relate. I know that what I'm doing is helping myself for the future...I do know..it's just, right now I feel like no matter what I do I can't win and that this is a never-ending fight you know? I'm having family stress, I can't find work, I have migraines, money problems because of the lack of work and of course all of this is piling on and causing extreme stress which causes anxiety and depression which my husband just does not get because "we still have a great life" which we do, we just bought a home, our children are healthy and I understand that....which makes me feel guilty all over again for feeling depressed...it's like a never ending vicious cycle.
@AddiG I hear you so well and so clearly-- mostly because you did an amazing job with thoughtfully creating this thread. But also, because I experience Bipolar symptoms, primarily with depression, and these issues strike home with me so very strongly.
I am currently really messed up because I am taking my last attempt at meds since there are no other categories/combos left for me to try after over a decade of painfully hunting for pharmaceutical assistance from several psychiatrists to accompany my psychological therapies. If I go off meds, I am a complete nutjob (sorry for the unclinical description and potentially offensive terminology, but that is how it feels). But sometimes, like now, when I go ON meds it changes me so completely I might feel objectively so much worse. Right now it's the constant, low lying nausea that is dragging me down, with more acute nausea at night when I take my meds that have me running into the kitchen several times to try to find a healthy snack to put my stomach back to rest. And my irritability level has shot THOUGH THE ROOF which is keeping me unable to maintain any healthy relationships with anyone I am struggling to remain stable with.
You get torn into between which of 2 negative things might be best for you-- meds or no meds. And, how can you possibly choose? When you have friends and family to care for, as well as yourself, whose priorites come first, and where to start drawing lines?
I also understand how vicious the cycle is, as you so clearly explained. We are educated, we are intelligent, there are so many great aspects to our lives. And what "right" do we have to be depressed? If we take the pill, things are bad. If we don't take the pill, things are bad, only in different ways. And how is it okay to have all the things in our lives that matter to us dependent on those 1 or 2 or 3 or more pills to keep us as balanced as possible, even when they might hurt us? Sometimes my life feels like this teeter-totter that makes me sick, and when I go up or down, I am just as sick either way. But, I am not allowed to get off that ride. Just not allowed by the biological playground monitor (not to overextend the silly metaphor).
Life can be a terrible and confusing experience for us when we have to grapple with these issues and there SEEM to be, and in actuality MIGHT BE, no correct answers. You do cycle viciously, and can't fight away from the spin of it all.
I hope you find peace somewhere in your struggles AddiG. Please know that so many of us in the 7 Cups community can relate to your fight. And, even those that have no direct experience with how you may be feeling are willing to support you and be both welcoming and understanding to support you. <3
@ladylazarus1971 Thank you SO, SO very much with your kind words. It helps to know that there is at least someone out there who understands and it's clear you do. I found myself nodding along to your story and words. It's just hard right now I suppose and I hated writing it all out, I don't like writing negative things, I try to stay positive but today was just one of those bad days I guess. I like your metaphor...today that see-saw refused to lift me up in the air. I just wanted to send a message to you in thanks that your kind words helped me so much, just that gesture that you too have been where I am...it truly means a lot and I hope my words didn't drag anyone else down today. The playground sucks right now and the merry-go-round doesn't seem like it's going anywhere great anytime soon but I'm thankful to have people in my life who are supporting my crazy "circus" ride and people here who support and understand me in ways that they can't and in times when they just wont. For some reason I feel very much like the Tightrope Walker girl in the painting from the Haunted Mansion:
Serene and calm but dangling precariously over an alligator. Balancing trying to be so much for everyone and not really even happy with where you are but what other choice do you have? Ughhh, I don't want this post to go sad again. It will get better, I know it will. I just have to keep at it.We all have to keep fighting through our challenges and over our alligators! I am thankful for your support, I truly, truly am. I hope you too find your way to the other side my friend.
