My partner is pushing me away
Hello,
Basically me and my partner have been together for 4 years, however we had this argument and since then she broke down and is depressed, well she was always depressed due to her family issues but she was always happy with me, like we loved each other a lot and we always did things together. I do regret getting into the argument with her and I blame myself everyday for it as now she is pushing me away.
At first it was, I need a few days to myself before I can get back into our relationship, then it was less contact and un-responsive, like she couldn't say I love you back no matter how much I do say it. What makes it harder is, it is a distant relationship, so even though we would talk everyday or even see each other on Skype, we weren't physically together.
It has been over 3 months with her feeling like this, yes I have seen her physcially since then and she seemed herself with me, but soon as I get back home, she is her normal depressing self.
Just yesterday she blocked me from WhatsApp, saying she feels so guilty for making me suffer like this and that I should move on with someone as I don't want anyone etc etc. That she can't stop crying and yeah, basically wanted me to leave her alone.
I said so many times that I love her and just want to support her, I said you should try makng a doctors appointment as it will help (but she replied with, all the doctors in her area are useless) as I think she tried before. I even said I will come to you and we can go together, but she doesn't want me to come and that even if I do come then she won't see me.
So I don't know what to do now, I tried comforting her by saying I'd never leave you and that I think she is so beautiful and amazing, but she doesn't believe me and said I am fake and that if she was so amazing how come no one seems to like her, I even said but I love you so much and I like you very much. But yea apparently I don't count.
So what do I do? I mean she's the love of my life and I just want to support her, yes this is killing me as I hate seeing her like this (which is why I think she wants me to leave her) but again I can't walk out on her as she is beyond special to me
Firstly, it's very kind of you to support your girlfriend through her depression and care for her. I salute you.
Sometimes people with depression feel like they don't deserve the people who care for them (or anything good for that matter), so don't take it personally or think that you don't matter because you probably matter to her a lot. Telling her you love her is certainly a good thing, but again, simply being loved isn't a magical cure for depression which is why your declarations may not be getting through to her. It is, however, a very important supporting factor for her to feel loved so please do not misunderstand when she seems to push you away.
Other ways to support her can simply be to listen to her worries and let her feel heard and understood (rather than telling her not to feel sad because you love her). And of course, having self-care and setting healthy boundaries is equally important for your own emotional health. By doing your own thing to look out for yourself (but still taking time to come back for her) may also make her feel less like she's holding you back.
Best of luck!
@LilGreenBird
Thank You so much, she is worth it...
A very helpful post and I have been learning more about depression, and to why she may feel guilty when all I do is be nice to her, I think it is because she can't say I love you back or she can't show me the same level of care that I show her, makes her feel sad and guilty that she can't (well that's what I think)...
So has said I deserve better as I am so lovely and nice and to be happy with someone else, I know she does love me deep down as when we met last week she felt her normal self, we held each other and she said that was heaven, also she did say I love you back even though yes she wasn't magically cured, it was just a moment of happiness for us both...
Although yes it is hard to be told "leave me alone" or "just move on", I won't give up on her. I have stepped back from messaging her a lot daily and will only ask in how she is and that I am here for her anytime without making her feel more guilty and that I miss her or want her to get the help she needs
To be honest, I am not sure if I should say "I love you" to her as I am afraid it might make her feel guilty or upset, but then again I want her to know that I do and I want to remind her that. So yea it is a difficult place to be for me but I am learning thanks to this wonderful website.
@seekingadvice12
Hi there! Yes, it is possible that she feels sad and guilty that she can't support you in the same way, possibly because of how depression affects her emotionally. But that example you gave of how she said she loved you back when she was feeling her normal self illustrates it exactly! When the depression lifts, she feels much better and can fully enjoy your relationship together, it's only when the depressive symptoms are bearing down on her that it affects her negatively. The depression is a part of her, but it doesn't define her.
As for saying "I love you" to her, there is no real right or wrong answer. So if someone ever tells you "stop telling her you love her" or the opposite, do take it with a grain of salt! Communication is key in every relationship, and especially when mental illness is involved. So don't give up, keep learning, and if you ever need help, make the most of the resources on 7cups!
Hello again,
She just told me yesterday that she can't do this anymore and that she is "done", and that by the end of the week she will block me from all forms of contact. I mean what have I done wrong? All I told her was I can understand what you're going through, I love you and want to support you in this, I am a strong person and I can handle this, you can talk to me anytime etc etc. I even said you're my best friend which replied with "not anymore" and that she doesn't need anyone.
The thing is, she said she wants to try improve her relationship with her mum, which is a great thing but why can't she do that with me? Her mum is always horrible to her and I am always nice and loving to her yet I am the way she is pushing away.
I feel so sad at the moment where I am man enough to admit that I occasionally hide away to have a little cry, I just think of all our happy moments and how I so wanted to marry her, we waited 4 years and next year was meant to be our plan to marry but then this happens.
She is afraid I will end up leaving her, and will divorce her and doesn't want to risk it, which i reassured her that I will never do that and said isn't this proof that I wont as no matter how much you are pushing me away I am still here. Which she replied with "I just cant risk it"
After she said all that to me, we did call on skype, we did laugh and smile (well I made sure i had a brave face so it doesn't upset her), she felt like her normal self as we joked and remembered the old times (where I was being silly) and she drifted off to sleep and that was the most special thing for me as I watched her sleep... I did message her before I did hang up that "I really enjoyed watching her sleep and wish I could always do that and that I am always here for her"... I just don't know what else to do or say, I was thinking of giving her 1 final message saying I love her and I am always here and that I won't move on, I will wait for you etc etc I will give you your space and won't bother you anymore so please dont block me and please know I am here for you... It is so sad for me having to think of this but I have no other choice really
