My journal of my Journey 12-20-20 (Wish weekends were easier)
Sunday was ok until around 1230. I hadn’t heard from my son (who is in college and an adult) and started getting anxious and depressed. This is another one of my triggers I am trying to work through.
It’s not that I need a conversation, just if I don’t get a “good morning” or “hello” I start to freak out. Anxiety followed by extreme nervousness and then depression. It’s usually when I feel my worst. I’m usually not worrying about anything in particular about hime (I know he’s safe and has his own life.) It’s just that I am no longer seeing him and in control of what he does.
Three weeks ago I hit the lowest point I’ve ever been at. My college son hadn’t sent me a text for awhile, I was looking around being overwhelmed by my filthy house, and I just couldn’t do anything. I hid in bed and napped when I could, but was a wreck.
I forced myself to go out and get gas then something to eat. Or so I planned. After pumping the gas, my will just left me. I sat in the car and started to cry. About nothing. (My son not texting, filthy house, his breakup with his girlfriend, money….life.)
I skipped dinner and went home. At home I started to lookup surefire and painless ...well you know. I JUST WANTED THESE FEELINGS TO END.
I got up and called my son. I know he’s an adult, but I needed to talk to him to calm down. I hate the fact that my peace revolves around him and know it’s not healthy. I also don’t want him to feel he has to be my savior. I’m trying to learn to let him lead his own life and not be so needy on my end.
Sparky
Hello! How are you doing? I hope you and your son are doing good.
It is difficult for sure to cope without your kids when they leave home for various reasons. I feel you have anxiety . It would be good if you could see a good professional doctor .You are not alone feeling this way. Most parents feel lonely when their children don't talk to them for a while specially if they don't live with them.
I am sure your son also knows how much you love him. Have a good day and wish you and your family a very happy New year.
@Actuallynobody017 Thanks for the support. I actually consolidated my entries into one post that I keep adding to and just discovered there is actually a Diary Forum here that I guess I should be using.
I've had good days and bad days since I originally posted this, but since Tuesday afternoon I've been feeling pretty good. So much so that I have resisted posting in my journal because it makes me think about the bad times (and then start stressing if / when the are coming back.)
I'd need and would love to get some pro help, but it is just not in the budget. I'm thinking about trying the online therapy here, but even that is a bit pricey for me.
I actually had a long talk with my son, too. I explained some of what is going on and how he can help me. Just a "good morning" text when he gets moving...no more needed and I won't bug him with additional conversation. He's been doing it and it seems to set my mood for first half of the day.
Thanks again for the support.
@Sparky45
@Sparky45
It is wonderful to know you are doing well now and I am 100 % sure that you are thinking in the right direction. I wish you good health overall and you feel better with time.
Best wishes of the new year ahead, to you and to your family.
It sure helps to have a chat with your son. Just like how there's a transition for him in college life and living away from home, there is also a transition for the parent who are used to having their child at home, suddenly move out for college. Your son, as an adult now, I'm sure he'll understand your worries and will work it out with you until you're able to live through the day without the anxiety. It takes time for the parent for this transition. Seeing how you had a chat with him, it sounds like the two of you have a good relationship. I hope everything works out for you and your son~
@Sparky45
So I never knew what anxiety or depression was till I was 11 when I started showing signs me now a just a teenager looking back how did I not know till now I've been at my lowest for about a few months like I can't just be happy for a second I know I'm changing I know I'm starting to care less to be more apathetic it's hard some days but I have to work through it
I hear what you're saying about professional help not being in the budget, but I would google things like "free community counseling [location]." There are lots of free or sliding scale (~$7 a session) options, especially right now.
As for your son, I have been in a similar situation, only from his end. I'll just say: it's a heavy burden having a beloved parent's life weigh on you in that way. It would be a valuable gift to him if you could work things out on your own.
Good luck to you both.
@nordurnStar
Thanks for the suggestion - I'll look into it.
I also hear what you are saying about my putting the burden on my kid. I've spent also four years not telling him what is going on because it is my problem. Unfortunately, my episodes kept getting worse and effecting life more and more. What started as anxiety build into depression. I said something to him so he'd understand what was happening and how I was working to fix it.
My asking for a quick hello was just that. Send that text, I'll acknowledge and you can go on with you day. I hope it doesn't overload him too much, but it is (for now) the only solution to a situation that is becoming dire for me.
