My Journey with Depression
I'm using this thread to document things that I've realized about myself and the world around me in relation to my depression. I think my depression has come back, but we'll see as time goes on. Hopefully it'll go away, but if not I know I just have to walk with it and learn more about it and it's effects on me in particular. I'd also like to ask that other people's posting to this thread be kept to a minimum. I'm not a listener so I'm not really using this to support other people in their journey with depression. My goal is to help myself keep track of what I'm going through and to help others by allowing them see this thread and how it compares with their experience. I don't mind some input if you have it, of course! I just want to make sure and keep the thread tidy so I can look back on it. Trigger warning: this thread might mention self harm. I'll put a warning at the top of any posts I add that mention it.
Mods / room support please PM if you need to guide / correct me on this post :)
I've decided to post again for now. I don't know if I'll continue, but school started in August and had a huge spike of cases. Things are crazy and we're currently at an all time high in cases - steadily climbing towards the peak in July. Without a mask mandate we'll likely surpass that peak, and schools will continue to refuse to shut down. As for my mental health... I have no idea where I am right now. I don't remember how I was doing back in July when I had this thread. I daresay I'm less suicidal now, and dissociate less, but my focus has gone completely out the window. I'm hardly a person at all anymore. I have interests but there's no substance to me. No opinions, no ability to hold a conversation, can't focus in any of my classes. My grades are tanking. I used to be an A student, and now I'm not even passing all my classes. I'm failing Macroeconomics and I have a low C in Chem, and the rest is a mix of Bs and Cs and two As in blow off classes. I had a consulatation to see about getting me diagnosed and the lady had the audacity to say I probably have bipolar disorder, which doesn't fit me at all. My mom, of course, is inclined to believe her since my mom doesn't feel kept in the dark. The clinic said they'd contact us to set up an appointment to have me tested for autism and ADHD. They never did. I'm finally having a doctor's appointment on the 17th for the first time in years. I don't have any hope of the future being worthwhile, and I know I won't prevent myself from getting to the future. I, like many before me, will go on to lead an unfulfilling life, never breaking away from the comfort and familiarity of an uncomfortable, meaningless life. I may never acheive my dreams, may never meet the people I love, may end up drifting away from those I care about because it's too much work to set boundaries with those who think they know what's best for me. It's likely I'll always be just barely stable, likely I'll never engage in the reckless behaviour I crave. I'm just like every other functional but unsuccessful person around me. I'll never be truly happy, but I'll never sink to the depths where I want to be. I'll continue, as always, to live without existing. I'll be in the most and least uncomfortable position, and that is no where.
