My Journey with Depression

When depression hits for me, I notice some of the same signs. I get exhausted and irritable. I want to be in control of things in my life. I get reckless. As soon as I see the signs and realize that it's back, I immediately have this idea in my head that I don't want to get better. It's like everything's okay and I'm fine with feeling that way. After talking about it with my mom (a long, awful conversation), I've come to realize that I associate my depression with the good feelings I get when I try to feel better. That might sound confusing, but basically when I'm depressed I feel either angry, sad, or nothing for the majority of my time. I do certain things to make myself feel something, like acting recklessly and making bad decisions. I get a sort of mini high off of that, and it feels good. Because of that, I've conditioned myself to associate depression with good feelings. That's part of why I subconsiously tell myself that I don't want to get better and I'm better off stuck in my depression.

Lucky for me, I'm very goal-oriented. This makes it so I always get things done that I need to. I feel like I have to turn in every assignment and take care of every problem that involves me. I think the stress and pressure of school contribute to my depression, but at the same time I think constantly having deadlines is a big part of what keeps me from giving up on everything. I can see every grade and absence I get in school as soon as my teacher puts it in the gradebook. I put so much of my own value on those numbers that even when I can't do much else I force myself to at least turn something in so those numbers don't drop to 0s. For now, I'm just living from goal to goal and trying to get through this. It's like I'm in a sorta survival mode. I can't think or function properly, but I can do tasks. Each task takes time and I just live from one to the next until I can get back out of this. I feel like I'm stuck right now, but I'm preoccupied with tasks and assignments, so I don't really have time to give up on things. I'm able to manage for now at least.

Side note: it's okay with me if people post to this thread as long as it's relavent to what I'm talking about and there aren't too many people commenting on here. I just don't wanna get overwhelmed or lose my own writing in what other people post.

K

**TW: Mentions of SH, suicide**

Things are getting worse. I started this thread after having relapsed (SH) and I was worried it would continue. I've done mostly alright with that but I've been having suicidal thoughts too. I know there are people who care about me and would be upset if I was gone, but I just don't care about myself. I won't act on it and I have a plan to keep myself safe, I'm just not doing well right now. I have such a hard time communicating with people when I'm depressed, and this time has been hardest of all. I could never admit to my parents what I'm going through and I don't want to be a burden on my friends. I know that sounds cliché, but it's accurate for me right now. I've been lucky enough to be able to see my therapist every week throughout quarantine over video call. My next appointment isn't until the 26th though, and by then it'll have been a little over two weeks since our last session. I know that might not sound like very long, especially people who haven't been able to see a therapist at all, but I still don't want to have to wait longer than usual. I know I won't be able to explain how I'm feeling anyway, I just wish I could. I've also been having trouble with that kinda toxic masculinity. I know that it's okay to go through what I'm going through and to have feelings, but sometimes I feel like a loser because of it. Plus a lot of my interests are not very manly, which is fine of course, I just feel insecure about it sometimes. I just wanna draw and watch musicals in peace, y'know? Anyways, I know I'll be okay and I'll make it through this by doing what I said in my last post, it's just so difficult.

TL;DR: I'm having a really hard time right now for various reasons and not knowing how to communicate what I'm going through makes it a lot worse. I'll get through it, it just takes time.

One healthy way that I cope is by spending time outside. I know that's not possible for everyone, and often it's a huge struggle to get myself to get up and go outside, but when I do it typically improves my mood for the day at least somewhat. Lately I've been dealing with not being interested in anything. I don't really get much enjoyment out of anything I do and I spend most of my time just listening to music or watching Youtube, which is good to have but for the most part I just do these things so I don't have to think. Watching youtube, scrolling through Instagram, playing games on my laptop, these are all things that I do to distract myself, but they don't really make me happy at all. I still feel numb, but at least I don't feel anything negative. The great thing about going outside is that spending time in the sunlight and breathing in the outside air really does make me feel good. There are so many things to focus on outside, and nothing beats going out barefoot when the ground is warm. It's hard to get myself out of the house but whenever I do I feel so much better for a while.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist. It was delayed by a day cause I slept through it on Tuesday 😅

I told her about what I've been going through lately and how I've been feeling and mentioned some of the problems depression is causing for me, like being worn out and exhausted most of the time. She asked if I've been eating normally. I explained to her that lately I've been waking up very late and not eating much during the day, sometimes eating something at night if I can. She reccommended I try and incorporate more protein into my diet in hopes of having more long term energy, but it's hard at times since sometimes I just don't feel like eating. I'll try my best though.

As for reckless behaviour, I've come up with a middle ground for myself that allows me to feel independent and excited while still being safe. It's just small things that I decide for myself, but not asking permission from others is a big help for me. Of course, I have to make sure not to get in trouble, but things like going off in the woods by myself without asking my parents first is a great help for me. Even just going and playing Minecraft without asking is a nice feeling (although I can't always do that). It's really nice to just not tell people where I am or what I'm doing. I feel like I'm my own person and I'm allowed to do what I want. Maybe it's a stereotypical teenage want, but just not having people always keeping tabs on me is awesome.

I haven't posted in the past week or so cause I haven't had much to report, but I'll continue posting when I have something new to mention!

I've been needlessly angry lately. For the past few days I've just been so full of hate for some reason. It's not even towards anyone in particular, though I do take it out on certain people at times. I know I shouldn't and I don't exactly mean to, but I don't know why I've been feeling this way. There's probably a lot of factors causing this, like stress, restlessness, and things I've mentioned previously, but I hope it stops soon. I feel pretty awful. I've also been super stressed lately with everything going on in the news where I live. To be honest, the worst part is social media. I don't watch the news much but people are talking and talking about so so many bad things all the time and it just keeps piling up. There's so much yelling and I don't want to contribute to it. People get upset with me for not saying anything, too. I'm trying to manage so many things at the moment and I just can't add that right now. I have a lot to say but I can't say it and I'm having a hard time with a lot of things right now.

It's been a while since I've updated this! I've started drawing again which is great news. I'm proud of the work that I've been able to do. I've been really overwhelmed with current events and I just started going back to work, but things are starting to calm down and I am too. My head is foggy a lot of the time, but I might be making some improvement. I haven't been so unhappy lately. I'm not really happy but I'm doing better. I'm not angry or sad for the most part, but of course those will never go away completely. The past week has been alright. The week before was not good, but one good week is still progress. I still spend most of my time in bed and I'm probably just having a week that's a little better, but maybe it'll last. I recently read a book called Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson (one of my favorite authors). It was kinda triggering but I enjoyed it. I haven't really gotten much enjoyment out of reading in a while but it seems like I've gotten back into reading and drawing and more into video games. I want to try to get real with my therapist, and I've been trying but it's hard.

My therapy appointment on Tuesday was cancelled, which is tough but I'm just a few days away from the next. I've been doing alright the past few days, making art and yesterday helping my dad build a deck in the backyard. I have trouble with feeling terrible about myself when I make a mistake, and it's not cause I feel bad about letting anyone down, I just feel like a loser. When I mess something up that I want or expect to do well with I just diappoint myself so deeply. Even little things like forgetting to post a picture to my art account today or not progressing quickly with skating get me so down. I cried twice yesterday, which is insane cause that's just not something I do very often. I was frustrated with myself the first time for burning out and not being able to carry quite as much wood as I wanted in one trip and my parents kinda poked fun at me about it, and I was just so frustrated with myself. I guess it was probably the final straw on a build up of things that led me to crying, but I went to my room to take a break and clear my head and I just sat and cried for a bit. I had a breakdown last night, too. Nights are tough. I have so much time alone with my thoughts and it's harder to distract myself, so I spend a good number of my nights battling with too many thoughts to keep track of. I'm about a week clean I think, which is probably good. I have work tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty anxious about that. I'll probably update again on Tuesday.

It's been a while!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long, I've been so caught up in things that I haven't really had anything to say. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately and the other day I had 2 sleepless nights in a row with naps in the day. I managed to get 2 nights of sleep in, 6 hrs each, but last night I got less that 2.5 :/ I'm really tired which causes trouble for me in terms of communication and leads to me dissociating more, but I'll get through it. I'm super stressed about school in the fall because where I live all schools are required to open at full capacity. I think I'll be pulling out of school and it's super stressful. I'm very tired right now which is making me lose my train of thought and forget some things I wanted to talk about, but that's the gist of what's going on with me right now. Take care for now :)