Living with depression is a struggle
@karenw It sure is a constant struggle .
I like reading books , listening music and occasionally writing poems . These activities kinda give temporary relief.
@calmsoulmeet I do all of these, too. I think writing -- journaling -- is the most helpful because it lets me talk "out loud" to myself.
exercise, drawing
@karenw the thing i do when im depressed, at some point you forget it, but it returns. ive been alone over half my life, no friends, not married, no one. only me, i was told i will meet someone, but i am not so certaint, i might die alone.
- it is what it is
@Tobeias you sound very much like me. you get used to being alone. I gave up looking for a partner a few years ago. I'm in exactly same boat as you.
@karenw i still very much miss love of my life, it pains more everyday, but than i just smile for nothing, cos i not want to look like a fool. but in me its the worst when nobody sees.
@Tobeias oh bless you. Well if you do want love again dont give up. But just give yourself time to heal. And dont be afraid to cry. It's not good to hold your emotions in.
@karenw yes, but this much deeper than initially thought, because you see. my ex girlfriend is not alive. its almost been ten years. ive put myself in health condition danger because of it, using cocaine mixed with alcohol and other substances, to think in beginning it would somehow help forget abit of it, but non would no matter the high, her mother live near us in the same complex buildings, i remember the first day i met her, my father introduced me to theyre family, i met my ex girlfriend via that connection, since her death, her mom became an addict, in a case much more worse than myself, im blaming mostly myself sometimes and im gettin a pressure to my head i cant explain i just tear first than i break down then i get mad, once i destroyed my own livingroom and hitting the walls with my fists til my bones would be out of place and my fingers would drip with blood, only to after going out in the kitchen for cold ice brick to put on, i was swollon for days, im afraid to outsite and meet people because i somehow cant stand and concentrate when someone looks at me i break down from it and get the same pressure to my head as described before, i would than run away from everyone and find somewhere really dark in an alley or something, maybe even sleep there because too scared and bit humanoid of some people, i live with this daily and at many points i considered ending it cos the pain i couldn't bare it, i have a hole in my chest ever since she left, i been griefing for nearly ten years and its the same exat emotions everytime i get, these symptons, i have tried with psychology and talk about it to a professional several times, but either i would finish the meeting, oh i would leave before i even entered the room out of stress and degration from myself, its why i think i cant be helped and its a permanent scar im never gettin rid off. sometimes when i look at peoples face, i see her face, and when i sit in my room like now, sometimes i would see bright light on the walls like the walls would not be there, but when i look again its all normal, but before that the walls was not there and the bright light would be like stars about to burst at me.
i dont want to blame my ex girlfriend for all this, because i loved her, im just stuck.
i feel cursed in life because of all this, my ex girlfriend me and her was supposed to be married, cos we found back together after awhile, she died in childbirth both her and the child the same time, its one reason im scared of people, part of me think im of harm to other people because what happend, it must mean im a danger for someone else so i silently live on the edge.
well, about going to professional help, ive tried that, you wouldn't know how much i want to end myself everyday.
its not cos i want help, i just want to be sure somehow maybe i could change so i dont worry anymore, but it never will.thats the miseraple part of me, not cos i want to suicide either and in all that years am could done that long time ago, beeing me is so fucking pathetic im filled with hate hurting myself every now and than,when im seeing someone together who had made it though everything, i get jealouse of my past when i was living life good but now im here and not kno why. ive should had been dead so long time ago, it makes sence to me being a ghost really because people always live in they own bubbles minding own business while i just keep quiet wanting to say how i feel, but perhaps i just end up in the psycho mental institution for that aswell. thats funny as fuck. fuck people and society too, thats not all tho, i have the problem i feel good when im cursing, and i dont care if people tell me i should behave theire alreddy gone before i agree and put more pressure to end life in some way after, i cant use symphaty for anything, all i want in life is love.
but everyone seem so scared of it, run when you see me bitches, i dont blame them, my dna dangerous, someone alreddy dead cos of it.
@Tobeias I'm so, so sorry. I think that sometimes-only I think of it like I'm such a burden because of my disability that I make everyone around me have more difficult lives, or sometimes I think I owe a huge karmic debt, or just that God hates me for always being terrible at faith. But I dont truly believe in that stuff, either for me or for you.
The thing about deaths during childbirth is that they're usually preventable and to due ueto doctor error or they're a result of an unrecognized disorder. The Center for Disease Control says that about 60% of deaths during childbirth are preventable. What happened to you and your family was a tragedy, but it wasn't your fault. Dying in childbirth is one of the leading causes of death for women in this country, and we need to work on that, but you are certainly not to blame in any way. You are a victim of two horrible, heartbreaking losses , and now is not the time to push people away. You need people to support you now more than ever.
@Tobeias the other thing I wanted to say is that change is possible. I've seen therapy help a lot of people, and for some it took a few years, others decades, but their lives did improve. My own life is better because of therapy, but unfortunately my PTSD episodes keep coming every so often and making me a depressed, dysfunctional mess. But when they pass, the things I've learned in therapy are still there, and they still make my life soooo much better than the way it was for me growing up. I wanted every day to be the end by the third grade. And it lasted for many, many years. But therapy can help a person see things and see themselves differently, and it can definitely help with anxiety. Sometimes it just takes a long time. I spent years thinking it did nothing for me, until all of a sudden it did.
@DeterminedDandelion i hate myself its only question of time before im bored sitting alone in the darkness forever, until i figure out i dont want that anymore and open my window from 2rd floor and jump out with my head first, gettin the last feeling of my life, a crushed in cranium with under a second of noticing the impact of my brain splattered all over the concrete.
@Tobeias please dont do that. you said before thats not what you really want. you just want the pain to stop i understand that. but suicide is not the awnser you have been through a horrific experience there are trained people out there who can help you. please take the help its not sympathy its support.
