Life with depression

I have had depression and anxiety since I was a teenager and people thought they knew me but they never did no one ever cared about the problems that I have been going through and knowing the fact that no one in my family ever cared enough to understand me and I've remembered so many times during my teens and young adult years in my 20's I was going through bullying that I've came so close many times to be staring down the edge of the blade of the knife and I still remember the times when I was almost close to ending my life but I always found this dimly lit flame in side of me that was very faint that it could have gone out in a split second and things just never Seemed to get any better but I always felt the warmth of my mother that I kept going but this time during the pandemic I never knew that I would again come closer to death but I had the courage to never give up but my willingness to defy death and hold onto that warmth of life but I always wondered what life would have been like I never existed and or if I had died