Life after getting past suicidal ideation/attempts (for people who've been there & their loved ones) [trigger warning - suicide]

Something a lot of people don't know about suicidal ideation is that there's usually a lot of back and forth between extreme attitudes toward life ranging from thinking you can't survive another day to apathy or even blissful periods of seeing the good in others and the world and seeing life as a gift. It's a roller coaster and you never know how long it'll last and when the next low will be or whether you/they are actually better now or if it's just the calm before another storm. It's easy to get discouraged and wonder whether the storms will ever end and if it's even worth fighting, whether you/they will ever truly be able to experience what it's like to genuinely want to be alive or just that contrived feeling when you've convinced yourself so, but it hasn't sunk all the way into the inner workings of your mind and body yet. As someone who's been on both ends, I can tell you it is very much possible to get 100% past this and look back at it as a bump in the road. You will be able to trust yourself/them (as much as any other clueless human anyway.) It usually takes years, though short term wins can come much sooner, and it is 100% worth it.

People consider ending their lives when they can't see any way to better a situation that's literally killing their will to live. Though necessity is the mother of invention, sometimes we're stumped. We might not have access to the right information to help ourselves or even people who can help us get there. We might even be surrounded by supportive people but still miles away from a single clue how to fill the unique hole in our unique life. Concepts like loneliness, failure, illness, financial stress, and abuse for example, seem relatable enough but it's hard to know exactly what a specific person needs, even when it's yourself and it's even harder to know that that something you don't know you're looking for exists. I say that instead of if because I guarantee it exists. The world is full of people, experiences, and ideas to fill that hole. We grow up exposed to a very limited fraction of the scope of human life and are forced to endure whatever it is until 18. That's plenty long enough to give up on venturing out in search of something better. Then, the search can be exahusting and lead you down a bunch of dead ends that make you give up even more, but along the way, you find pieces of hope.

When you're watching someone contemplate, all you want to do is make sure they never need your sight, but venturing out is exactly what they need to get better. You can try to find some pieces of hope for them, but for the most part, they'll need to feel their way along their path to happiness themself. They don't know what they need well enough to articulate it to you and only they'll know (more like a long, hard to explain process of moving toward knowing) when they find it (more like little pieces, enough to keep them going.) The one exception is if they send you goodbye messages. Then they either need immediate professional help or are crying out for help in a really manipulative way that's not conducive to their healing or your sanity. Either way, getting them professional help will either prevent them from hurting themself immediately if they were actually planning to or teach them to reach out in a more healthy way. However your learned about their ideation/attempt(s), they've talked about it with you by now and they almost certainly will again if they're thinking about acting on it in the immediate term. If they don't actively say it, there are behaviors to watch out for like givng away all their posessions, isolating themselves from everyone, stopping showing up for work etc.

Despite momentary/day long/ week long etc. lapses, depressed people want to feel better and are drawn to things that make them feel better. We passively seek out what we need even when we've actively given up. They might run into some trouble along the way as depression blocks some healthy/self preserving thought processes and leads to desperation. While it's good to warn them about bad situations you could see them getting into and help them through these situations if they arise, keeping them couped up will only give their harmful thoughts way too much screen time. That new job or college experience might be exactly the perspective they need. If they want to venture out into the world, it's important to recognize that this is already hard for them without reminders about what happened last time. Depression can also promote some positive thought processes like openness to new perspectives and high empathy and it's important to channel the desire to do things that could make them feel more connected to the world and themself. Giving them space also gives you a chance to take care of yourself. You constantly worrying about them isn't good for you or for them, and the fact that they're seeking out new life experiences shows they want to get better and not give up. The one caveat is dating, since relationships can put a lot of pressure on people and getting too close to the wrong person can do a lot of harm on a deeply personal level. While this can happen in work and school settings as well, in settings involving large groups, you're rarely alone in your struggles and bad experiences tend to feel less personal.

If you're going through this yourself, it can be extremely hard to trust yourself. While you'll know how much pressure is too much for you at any given time, it's important to see yourself as someone with potential for having healthy relationships and a place in society, as ridiculous as that idea might seem right now. Whether it's a personal project or being part of a larger movement like a humanitarian effort or work project, these exeperience build the sense of value, capability, accomplishment, and belonging that you need to get past this. You can start with short commitments like making an art piece, dabbling with a new skill, or volunteering at a food pantry. You need to allow yourself to have healthy interactions and feel all the emotion that comes with it. Know you're worth it. Don't define yourself by your bad moments. Don't define youself at all. Life is for exploration, not predestination. With the fear of dying, you can lose a lot of other fears of petty things you realize don't matter that much in the long run. You might feel invincible. Use that. Do things your fears are no longer holding you back from doing and things they're still holding you back from doing. Channel that feeling that today could be your last into doing things you've always wanted to do and things you hadn't put much thought into that seem like they could maybe be fun. You're on the path to finding your why(s) (We all have many. Let's stop boxing ourselves in.)

Then comes the epiphany(ies,) your unique reason(s) (you will eventually find more than 1) that life is worth living for you. For some, it's a progressive, pragmatic realization. For me, it was instant bliss. I learned a condition I'd been shamed for and seen as defective my whole life could be framed as a gift both for its inate symptoms and the lessons it taught me and persepctives it gave me. It might feel like something good came out of the pain or it might seem unnecesarry (usually both.) While I'm glad I've developed the perspective and maturity I have now, I definitely could've got there without a decade of feeling unworthy of the air I breathe.

After suck epiphanies, it's common to think you're out of the woods, and if you're lucky, you just might be. Then there usually comes a heartbreaking next lapse. Some experience disproves the often sole truth that gave you your will to live. It can be as little as a comment someone had no idea could hurt you this bad or the 1st or umpteenth failed attempt at a goal. I wish someone would've told me sooner that you don't find your why but you make it, 3 steps forward and 2 steps back at a time. There's a saying that those who fail most are those who try the most. Unlike most people, you have an existential need to care. Use it. Don't let the world disuade you. You have the rest of your life to build your why. Don't put so much pressure on yourself all at once.

Relapses alsolutely does not invalidate your progress. On both ends, you wonder if it was all in vain and if the struggle will ever end. This is when you need to trust that you/then made your why once and you can make it again. Adapt it, broaden it, or start fresh. Your why's will accumulate and grow stronger and more robust until you eventually stop questioning if it's worth it.

Then comes a flood of emotions and thought processes you haven't experienced in years or might never have experienced if you're young. The idea of your future becomes real and there's pressure to think 2, 5, 10 years into the future. Sometimes, I still need to think 1 day at a time. When I think about where I want to go and how unprepared I feel, I remember how I thought I'd never get to where I am now. There's good to it too, a lot less pressure to accomplish your life's work before some self-determined due date when you got a lifetime. By far the best part is finally being able to trust myself that no matter what happens, I'll know my life is deserved and worth living.

P.S. If anyone has any scientific explanations for the stages I'm describing, I'd love to hear it.