Just needed a rant
?Hey :) it has been a while once again since I've been on here. Haven't felt the need but since the UK has gone into lockdown things have just been getting worse and worse, mainly because I can't see my girlfriend and our relationship is pretty fragile due to my ex hating both of us and not leaving us alone which makes it pretty difficult especially since there are a few issues between me and my girlfriend due to differences in religion but that's a matter for another time.
But right now I just don't feel like I deserve anything. I have made a few mistakes recently which has made it pretty difficult but that's due to my drinking problem (got a bit excited and sad really when I found out id be leaving sixth form 3 months early and wouldn't sit exams) but I made my girlfriend feel like I didn't love her which I really really do. But now my old issues have come back and I genuinely hate myself and I can't shake it. I don't know why but I just feel like I don't deserve anything and I don't know what to do. I can't help but blame myself for everything that happens to it but I honestly believe everything is my fault much to my girlfriend's protest but I can't help it.
But I find using this website best to rant really. I can't talk in person or to anyone I know. So I don't expect anyone to respond I just needed to get it out which I hope is okay But thanks anyway if you read this :)
@Hyperion8400
I've only recently joined as i found it on an ad and thought it would be helpful as i dont like talking to people i know or can actually see so i dont really know what im doing. But im from the uk too and im finding it really hard, like i had my birthday the other day and couldnt see anyone so i can imagine not seeing people to you is hard, so i can understand if you find it hard. Im not in a relationship but i can understand not seeing the person you love difficult, do you think all of this will effect your relationship with her? do you think it is a healthy relationship if there are so many difficulties the way it sounds here? but with the drinking thing theres all the typical responses you can give like, it makes depression worse etc but do you feel it works? do you still drink? and is there anything a little healthier you could replace it with, that can maybe make you feel just as good? I really hope everything sorts itself out as it sounds like your having a really difficult time. And i dont think you should blame yoursefl i can understand why you do it and that its kind of an automatic response but if your girlfriend doesnt then doesnt that show that your not to blame if she was the one who mainly got effected? Maybe try and talk to her about all of this if you havent already tell her what your finding difficult... this is if she is understanding, or maybe find a friend. I know this messgae isnt really in order but i know you mentioned a religious thing, im not sure if this is similar but i was with someone who was catholic and i wasnt religious at all.
this is probably a rubbish response but i really hope you get into a better place with it all 
@smunch02
Sorry, this is quite long but it really helps me if I can just type it all out.
Hey, actually your response here was quite helpful. It genuinely helped me put things into perspective so thank you!
To answer your questions though, it's put a really heavy weight on our relationship as there's already soo many differences between us which make it hard like the differences in religion, shes Christian and I don't believe in anything so it's already quite difficult there. But it's only made worse when we can't see each other and people who don't like either of us won't leave us alone by bombarding her with abuse, really putting her down, feeling insecure; making her really doubt whether or not we can work. It is just hard. I blame myself for the abuse she is having to deal with because it is my ex-girlfriend and her friends who won't leave us alone and I cannot do anything about it, so I just blame myself and feel really awful because she's putting up with all of it for me. However, though there are a lot of differences between us, we seem to make it work really well when we don't have other people causing issues for us. We're both really happy and support one another with our own issues. Erm, I don't really drink anymore. I used to because it helped me stop thinking but it ended up with me drinking a litre of vodka a week which was both expensive and just bad for my health. I started to drink through the week and turned up to sixth form with a lot of hangovers. It also really didn't help with the depression but I think that was mainly due to the fact I needed to drink more each time to stop thinking; I was in a really low place. But with the help of my girlfriend now and some other friends I stopped for the most part and only drank socially. That was going well for a while until lockdown happened and my sixth form closed; I'm a year 13 student so I won't ever go back and in September, hopefully, ill be going to uni. So like regular 18-year-olds do I went out with my friends on our last night together and got really really drunk. I spent a lot of money and made some mistakes that night which impacted my relationship further. I didn't cheat or anything, I just made my girlfriend think I didn't love her and that I loved someone else but I was blackout drunk so I can't remember what I said. But we've slowly gotten past it and are okay right now until my ex started causing issues. But I know now, because of what happened that night, I don't want to get drunk for a very long time. I want to stay sober because I don't want to cause any more issues.
I speak to my girlfriend about all of this but that's only because she asked to know, I don't think it helps me but it helps our relationship so I don't mind as much. I know she doesn't blame me but I can't help but feel awful for everything she has to put up with.
But hey I can really relate to finding all of this difficult. Luckily my 18th was in January but for a lot of my friends, their birthdays cannot be celebrated due to the lock down. An 18th is just a big turning point I feel for all of us. We were planning on going on a couple of nights out but obviously that cannot happen now which is unfortunate. But all of them, all of us really, just want to be able to celebrate their birthdays together so yeah it's hard.
But again thank you, you really helped! :) I don't know how useful I am at responding to other people but I listen well so if you ever needed to talk I will more than happily listen! All we can do during this time is talk to each other, those close to us and even those who we don't know. So if you ever wanted I would happily talk to you anytime if you wanted.
@Hyperion8400
Hey Im not sure if i should respond to that or not but i will anyway as it seems like it is hard for you. i can relate to the shes religious im not thing as i was in a relationship like that and we both found it difficult to understand each other it ended up with me finding ways to believe as i loved her that much (not saying you should just a i understand what your going through) is it more or an issue for you, her or is it mutual? we broke up because she moved to australia. can i ask if its your ex that is causing so much harm did you have a good relationship with her? and how long ago did it end? (you dont have to answer) but if it was awhile ago she needs to be put in her place. If she is feeling bad because of it maybe just reasure her etc and for her doubting your relationship, do you see it lasting? and do you want it to last? i think those are the most important things to think about in a relationship, and i guess if you do for both fight for her? and to do with the whole your not in a good place as a relationship because of you making her feel like you loved someone else, she has obviously fogiven you if she has stayed with you, doesnt that show you that she loves you. you obviously mean a lot to her and you shouldnt continue to blame yourself for a mistake that is in the past and she has moved on from. and talking to her might just help her like im sure if she was feeling really down youd like her to talk to you even if it didnt help.
thank you this site is good as you can talk to people without feeling pressured. you dont have to respond but theres something...i hope your feeling better.