Just me ranting a bit.
This few days I've been felling really, pardon my French, shit.
I haven't been able to sleep well and when I get some sleep I don't wake up until the late afternoon and to be honest that makes me feel worse. I don't want to sleep all day and be up all night. That doesn't work, I can't live like this.
I had a bit of joy today though. I talked to a friend and he noticed right away that I didn't feel well so he started asking me about it and I couldn't hold my mask anymore and broke down, I cried while talking to him, I told exactly everything that was on my mind. Everything from me being scared of being left by the ones who means something to me, to me hating myself. Though I haven't told him I am or have been suicidal. It's been a while since I thought about taking my own life and that makes me proud of myself.
I just wish I could talk to him every hour, day and night but I can't. He needs his sleep and I don't want him to miss out on any sleep because of me. I'm just glad he is still in my life as a friend. I just wish that everyone could be that understanding like he is and maybe one day, I'll tell him about my suicide thoughts and tries. Just maybe, I don't know, I'm still scared to tell him about it because what if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
How I hate to think like that but it can't be helped, that's who I am and what I do. It's a a work in progress and hopefully one day I won't think like that and just tell people what's on my mind even in my worst days.
That's enough of my ranting. I don't want this nonsense to be a bitch to read for those who read it.
First, I must commend you on your French! It is superb. 
Not sleeping is a special circle of hell. I suffered from that for most of my life. (I'm on sleeping medication now.)
I can understand how you feel like you don't want to 'burden' your friend; that is commendable. How about writing to him (even if you never show it to him)? I am a writer by birth, and I find that it clears up my thoughts.
Please try and be patient with yourself. Show yourself compassion and loving kindness. Don't ever forget you are deserving!
I'm glad I saw your post, and I hope to read more. Continue to be courageous.
@JeffWM
Thank you I try my best with my low knowledge in French :)
It sure is and I don't want to be on more medication than I already am, it's not good for the body.
I write to him a lot as well, I'm just having real issues to trust people and the fear I have of people leaving my is huge so I don't really bring things up about my own feelings. Also saying to someone that I'm suicidal is a big step for me. I have just said it to one person and that was to save her life, she is like a sister to me now.
I am trying my best, but some days are tougher than others and today I had enough and came back here after a few months and I'm glad I did.
@Jowzzey
Of course, you are right about the meds. They all have side effects that we know about. But, sometimes the potential good out weighs the risks. That is a decision only you can make. I'm glad you are taking all of this seriously. (I ignored my 'feelings', like a jerk, and self-medicated for too many years.)
I don't believe that 'life' or 'happiness' are destinations, rather the voyage (I figured I'd throw some French in). If you think that outside help might help, go for it. That is not a sign of weakness, but of strength.
Deep down, I do believe we are all suffering in our own unique way. This uniqueness and the inability to describe this pain indeed leaves us alone. But, it is the very fact that we can acknowledge each other during our 'tumble' or 'fall' that brings us together as a community of sentient beings.
I believe it is a Joyful Path. Do we fall? Of course! Do we need help? Of course. But sometimes that only brings us closer together.
I won't say 'good luck' because luck has nothing to do with it! I will say, as the French do, bon courage. (Yup, if you didn't already realize, that means be courageous.)
@JeffWM
I also don't want to mix meds with each other meds either. Especially when a type of meds I'm gong on is making me almost high. (I did too at first, but realized that, that won't help me at all, it only made it worst.)
No it's not, that is true but yet I can't seem to stop thinking about it as a destination. I've tried to deal with it myself, tried to find the answers I need to find but I've come up with nothing and finding a person who actually listens to me and understands what I'm going through is something really special and hard to find. I don't really trust people if they can see or know who I am, but here I feel safe, no one knows who I am and I can just write down what's in my head without getting judged, because we all here are dealing with our demons and we try to help each other even though we are strangers. I like that. I'm glad I found this webpage.
I believe it is a Joyful Path. Do we fall? Of course! Do we need help? Of course. But sometimes that only brings us closer together.
Of course we fall and need help, it's only human. But being able to admit that we do need help (especially for me.) is the hardest thing ever. I like to deal with my things my own way and when someone tries to help me I'm scared they will destroy everything I've done, so I tend to push people away.
I agree, luck has nothing to do with this. We need to be courageous and fight our battles and never give up.
@Jowzzey
You sound that you have really have your thoughts together! Just, because I'm projecting my personal experiences, while you are well, make a plan of what you will do if things start going down hill. That's just the way I think-- I'm a worrier.
You are wonderful just the way you are t this very moment! Take a second to acknowledge that.
I am truly fortunate to have come across your posts and hope to see many more!
@JeffWM
I try to have my thoughts together for my own sake, but it's really hard to have the together when everything is going down hill.
Thank you, I try to acknowledge everything that people say about me but somehow I just never believe what people say.
I think there will be more someday. I only write when I feel like it, I still want to keep somethings to myself.
