Just echoes...
I need to get away. I just don't know where to go or what to do.
I have no good childhood memories that I can remember anyway?My mother was abused when she was little, and once I got to the age where I accidentally talked back to her, she was convinced that I would become like him. So she believes that I will always try to conspire against her. Someone once told me that if you try NOT to be someone hard enough, then you'll end up becoming them. I...I don't want that.
I want to run away so they can be a happy family without me.
When I was eight I tried to find a different form of escape by locking myself in my room and whispering my problems to myself to get the thoughts out of my head, but my mom took the door off its hinges (she literally pulled out the pins with a hammer and threw the door to the side) and started yelling at me again. She was even madder that I locked my door and I learned a few colorful curse words that day?
I LOVE to write and I do so as often as I can. I wait until I?m sure everyone is asleep (I?ve even memorized that my dad wakes up at almost exactly 11:30 at night to get a cup of water) and open up my glitch-y computer. It helps to create a world where I can control what?s going on and ?escape? for lack of a better word. There I can create my own friends and family and finally feel safe and wanted. It?s the only place where I can be myself and express myself in my stories and not be laughed at or judged. It was all I had.
My mom is fond of calling me a witch and told my little brother in no uncertain terms that he wasn?t ever to listen to anything I said again, and if he wanted something that I couldn?t get him, then he was to come directly to her. I?she threatened to take my computer away (the one thing I have left). She said I would never become an author and even if I did write anything worthwhile I would be too frightened to actually try to submit anything. She says I?m pathetic and that?s probably the only thing the both of us agree on.
I?m spiraling down deeper into depression each day, and I?m feeling more and more alone. My two little siblings have grown to despise me, and if I look at them wrong, it?s taken to my mother. I?m still missing a chunk of my hair where she ripped it out. I remember when she did, and it was just because I walked by her without looking her in the eye when I answered a question. My little sister saw it as my mother grabbed my hair and threw me as hard as she could against the floor. My sister screamed and started crying because she was scared, but mom told her that I was a witch and that it was okay. There?s nothing worse in this world to hear your little sister stop crying over you. There?s NOTHING worse.
Who could care about me? Who would talk to me outside of people on the computer where I can pretend I?m not waiting until my parents have left to talk to? Who could I ever talk to?
I?want to run away so bad. What could be worse than this? But something holds me back. Maybe some last bit of lingering pride? Maybe hope? Fear? I don?t know what it is?but I don?t know what to do?
Ember, from what you posted here I can tell you're a very strong person. Your life right now isn't exactly peachy ; far from it.
Living like what you have described and being treated that way must be very painful, physically and emotionally. But the simple fact that there is something that holds you back is admirable, wherever that feeling comes from , pride or hope, or maybe even love for your family in spite of everything.
And I do think that, in reality, what's holding you back is a combination of all of those things. And maybe even fear of leaving your family , (again) in spite if everything that already happened. It is not true that there is nobody you can talk to. Heck, if anything, all of us on this website are here for each other. To be helped and help through listening to each other.
In my own experience, just knowing you are sharing your problems with someone that's listening to you is helpful. And there's people who would care about you outside of this forum too. Authorities that are involved in fighting child abuse are always there and there's others too.
You haven't mentioned whether you have any other relatives you can talk to like uncles or aunties etc, but if you do I'm sure they'd be happy to talk to you. It's not true that there is no way you'll become a published author, that's definitely not true. Because the two things you need most are determination and talent. Talent you already have, and determination ... You do have it, but you just need to find it within yourself . And I know that inside you feel suffocated, and depressed and helpless .
But trust me, there is always a way out of every problem, because everything has a beginning and ending . It's only a matter of finding the right thing for you . And you might not think so, but I feel like maybe deep down your mother still loves you, no matter how hard that is to believe. You don't deserve to be treated like how you are, nobody should rip your hair out or harm you emotionally - but all of this must have begun somewhere. I can't help but wonder, if you'd try to talk to your mother, what she would say about why she treats you like that. What other reason she would give, besides " because you're a witch" , which , really, isn't a plausible reason/ excuse, as not only are you most definitely not a witch, but also because it is using an unjustified insult as a way of justifying .
Your siblings seem too young to understand any of this. They've known you for their whole lives, but that isn't that long if we think about it. They take what they're being told at this age as a fact because they have never known anything else. If your mother told them you're a witch, they cannot help but believe its okay what's going on with you. But they do love you in their way , don't think they don't.
The conclusion here is that for now, you've come to the right place. Don't let yourself be swallowed by the negativeness of your situation, even when it seems more overwhelming than you can possibly deal with. Take care . You are not alone, I promise. Things will get better, especially if you reach out .
