Just a thought on the bathroom floor (trigger helplessness)

I don't know if I have depression. I'm not going to therapy and I haven't ever let anyone know about my struggle. I'm playing the role of a normal person since I can't remember when, but around me no one noticed. Guess I'm good in something after all. Smiling to my mother, to my father, taking care of my sister, joking, laughing, having"fun" around people at my school. But little do they know, I'm dying inside. I could spend pages on my past problems and situations of which existence no one besides me knows. But lately it's worse, so bad that I'm worried.

Lately' Im losing this ability of faking. The strength of acting is leaving me. My classmates started noticing my expressions, gym class became hard and humiliating, social time is overwhelming and breaks or lunch times scare me to death. I don't want to talk with anyone, everytime I try I get hurt. I don't want to share with anyone, everytime I do it I regret it. And no I don't feel like listening to you talking about how cute is that new guy of yours, because I couldn't care less.

My mind is blank, it happens more often now. I switch to a state of mind in which the world around me feels so bad. It's blurred, noisy, overwhelming and the crowd of a classroom is hell for me. Like it wasn't hard enough, people in my class make fun of me. They say I'm depressed, they say I ruin the mood. "Smile" they say "what are you even depressed for" they continue "my god it seems like you're about to kill yourself" one said once while laughing. Tears start forming in my eyes but I stay silent. What's even the point of trying to talk back.

I hide often in the bathroom. I sit there and cry my eyes out until it hurts. I sob silently waiting for the pain to go away, but it never leaves. I look for advice on the internet while tears keep spilling, but I can't find anything that would help me immediately. I fail in classes, I fail in friendships, I fail in creating myself a future, I fail in even washing my teeth on some days. But I keep on smiling, for my mum to not suffer, for my dad to not worry, for my sister to have a positive example. I survive bullying, speeches, gym and loneliness everyday. I get over that voice in my mind that tells me to lay down and sleep, to skip classes, to stop reacting and to let the darkness take over me. Not gonna lie the thought is sweet, but the world expects me to do things, so I'll do them. I wipe my eyes and get up. I walk to the classroom and take notes. I ignore everyone and try my best to understand topics that are just pointless for me. I go back home and smile and act, even if not that well as I used to.

If I can't find the reason then I maybe should stop looking for one.

If I can't find joy then I should accept it.

As long as I don't hurt my family, my struggles can live inside of me.

It's just me, myself and I in the end.

And the pain in my head almost feels comfortable.