Just Another Depressed Day

Hey Everyone! This is my first time sharing something personal with people. I have had quite a shitty live since forever. My father has schizophrenia and i have never seen him normal. My mother is always preoccupied with my sister and never have time for my needs and desires. Financially, the focus has always been my sister. I only got what was necessary. It has destroyed my personality. I don't know since when and how long i have been dealing with depression, anxiety and trust issues. No one in my close circle knows because I can't open up. I can't trust them enough to understand me. Now i earn for myself, i am studying, i have a relationship. Yet things keep getting tough. I keep having episodes of depression. My health is messed up I don't feel hungry. I try to fight and make things better but it's just feels like a never-ending struggle. Lately, i have no will to live. There are days when I'm fine, happy and enjoying. But there are days when i feel it do hard to even get up. I don't want to use medicines to help with depression I want to do it myself. I try different things but something keeps reminding me of past and how lonely I'm. I don't know what to do about it.